Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Who’s Got the Most Inebriated Drunks? Britain or the USA?

Nobody’s Perfect

Today, after I saw these pictures, I decided that we really need to discuss who can get drunk with more audacity: The kids in the United States, or the kids in Great Britain?

This is really going to be a close call, because you see, despite the pictures that you see of these fine young women who passed out on the streets in Cardiff, England..I think the real reason they fall down is —-those shoes.

American women are much more sensible. When they get drunk, they take OFF their shoes before they fall over. And they also have the common courtesy to not wear underwear. Usually, they don’t stay in the street when they can’t stand up. NO…in America, they go to McDonalds and I-Hop to pass out. They welcome drunks there with open arms, because drunks are usually not paying attention.

Waitress: “Uh…here’s your bill.”

Drunk: “I ordered two hundred dollars worth of food?”

Waitress: “Yep.”

Drunk: “Oh nooooo…here’s my card.”

Yes, they love them.

Does England have a 24-hour breakfast restaurant to go and vomit in? NO…the poor drunk people in England have to sit among the trash to vomit and sober up. American kids vomit in their cars!

It’s another public service we are good at.  

Having said that: I know, soccer matches in England are notorious for drunken rivals pouring out of the games and vandalizing whatever gets in their way, but the American men, do NOT wander around…and fight..oh no.They are much smarter. They find the nearest toilet, or table, and sit or “lay” till morning. If they are in a bar, they just pass out on the floor. 

If a man passes out in a bar in America their friends will be very careful to step over them on the way to the dance floor…so as not to disturb their slumber. We are…after all, a compassionate people.

Americans are very smart: We have drinking festivals, just like the Germans. Mardi Gras is the place to go to get smashed. There are so many people in the street that it’s impossible to pass out. The person next to you will hold you up just because—he can’t move either. You could not fall down if you tried.

And drunk women in America, will not only take off their big high heeled shoes, they will take off their tops…just ask them!

The real reason that Americans have such an advantage over the Brits is that when it comes to  getting drunk, we have got it down to a real actual college course: “Drink till you Drop” 101. This course has been passed by every freshman since the boys at Harvard starting getting drunk and going naked. At Harvard, Drinking has been evolved into a very fine art.

Over the years fraternities have perfected: “Get In the Bathtub” fruit punch, the “Knock her out” fruit punch, the “Alpha Pi Me” fruit punch” and the “Final Exam” fruit punch”  The last being the most popular so that when you flunk your exams you have a good excuse.

Most college grads in America know how to pour every alcohol beverage ever made into a bathtub and comatose at least 50 people at once. The recipe to Purple Passion has been more guarded than the formula to Coca Cola.

Let the Chinese beat us in math. WE have drinking games! Our young people do “shots” games, and many try to pass out from the sheer fun of having someone pour vodka down their throats. American parents actually give beer parties and  “watch” their kids pour beer down their throats till they pass out. It’s the least they can do for the little darlings.

Yes, American parents are keeping the high school drunks off the streets until they go to college, where they will have safe dorm rooms to pass out in. Love goes a long way.

But…there is one thing that even this Nobody has no way of measuring properly. Who urinates in the street more after a sporting event: The USA or England?

That’s another lovely side effect of drinking: alcohol usually exits when you least expect it to.

I don’t mean to brag, but every night across America,  at sports stadium in every city, the men come out, and piss wherever they can find a spot. Most of the time, on someone else’s car.  There is no way that England can beat the drunk Americans in using the ground as their public toilet.

OR…can they?

Having said that: We MUST give the British credit for one thing: How to get drunk and go rousing the storefronts.

Yes, now we have the American black teenagers doing the “flash mobs” going into local mini marts and stealing whatever they want. and most of these people are …

Dare I say it? Sober.

Pathetic. We will lose our edge if we keep this sober business up.

But, have faith— Americans are trying very hard to make soccer matches popular her in the states. And if that happens, the Brits might as well move here, because they will never beat us at getting sloppily drunk and falling over at the nearest sidewalk.  

(Nobody Does NOT make this pitiful stuff up, but she certainly can make fun of it. Be glad I didn’t write a serious piece about this…You might have to go have a drink.)— (thanks to amfortas)   

 

Nobody’s Perfect, but four more years of Obama, and I expect more of the same.

October 3, 2011 - Posted by | American Culture, British, education, Just life, Uncategorized | , , ,

2 Comments »

  1. I am STILL laughing at what Amfortus wrote! :-)

    Like this

    Comment by Pattie | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  2. This comparison is the stuff of intellectual advancement. We have stadiumsfull of scientists sequencing Neanderthal genes to see where they differed from Homo Sapiens, only to find that it was probably the ‘lesser’ mob from the Neander Valley that brought language to humanity. Whooda thunk?! Personally I suspect that eventually they will find an explanation for Americans talking through their noses.

    Early Sapiens interbred with the ‘on-the’way-out-of-it’ Neandies, probably when they were too pissed to notice the smell, and let’s not gloss over the way folks smell when they get pissed. It ain’t just the rivers of leaking bladders. At least back then we all lived in caves which were usually up in the hills so that pee flowed away downhill. Now we have made plains in towns and called them Plazzas, the rivers form lakes. The English girls are wise to keep their shoes on.

    One has to mention the difference in ‘Lady’ behaviours. Removing one’s underwear before going out for a night on the vodka and lime does anticipate the likelihood of peeing in your pants. It is easy to lose your knickers when pissed and carrying a spare pair in the handbag does not do anything but add to what can be lost. It is tough enough when you have lost your dignity and integrity without having to cope with losing your knickers too, so best leave them all at home.

    This is foresight. It is what Homo Sapiens brought to the party.

    NB: Any mention of ‘Homo’ in this comment is not evidence of Homophobia. It has nothing to do with pooftas.and I ain’t anywhere near as scared of a mincing nancies as I am of pissed Neandies You can find a lot of them at a footy stadium..

    Like this

    Comment by Amfortas | October 3, 2011 | Reply


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