It seems fitting that Presidents have to “pardon” turkeys before Thanksgiving. (Most of them having been turkeys themselves.) So, I thought we’d compare the style of a few of them:
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The world is crazy, and I’m sleeping in today…so it’s important that we keep our sense of humor, right? Right.
Some of these sayings could go into Nobody Wonders.
My favorite was the one about evolution. Such fun. What’s your favorite?
(Thanks to Kris)
. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?’ SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?’
. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW SIGNS?
. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE AN ‘S’ IN IT?
. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
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One of the subjects that I share with my liberal friend, is our love of animals…and so, I got these from him last week.
These pictures are just fabulous….I just thought I’d share them, and I imagined, what the animals may be saying….
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Attached to this email, JR (my liberal friend) said this was a VERY old email.
It’s still pretty funny!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of Chicken 2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: What? Did I miss one?
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Here’s a cute joke of the day, with a little Bible Twist:
(Thanks to Kris)
“Left” and “Right” ….. A Bible study. Remember what Jesus said: ‘Goats on the left, sheep on the right’ (Matthew 25:33).
Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish. John 21:6 (NIV) …
He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) – “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.” Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
It surely can’t get any simpler than that. Spelling Lesson :
The last four letters in American………. I Can
The last four letters in Republican…….. I Can
The last four letters in Democrats……… Rats
End of lesson ! ….Test to follow on November 6, 2014. Remember, November 2014 is to be set aside as rodent removal month.
Please share this Bible Lesson with all your friends and email buddies to help achieve that goal.
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A new twist on an old joke:
(Thanks to JR)
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell… Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted..”
Think carefully and vote wisely next month!
New polls show that women, are feeling very unprotected by Daddy Obama State. Obama, doesn’t seem to care about the threats from ISIS, or Ebola, or the electrical grid going down from a Sun flare, but we had proof today, that..he DOES care.
Homeland security is protecting us from…unlicensed underwear.
A lingerie shop owner in Kansas City says her store was raided by Homeland Security agents Monday morning over a few dozen pair of panties she made in honor of her hometown baseball team.
Peregrine Honig, owner of Honig’s Birdies Panties shop in Crossroads, said she designed the Lucky Royals boyshorts that were set to go on sale Tuesday. They told me they were from Homeland Security and we were violating copyright laws.”
While she was NOT jailed for the offence, I for one, feel so much safer knowing that Obama is making sure that the Kansas City Royals get their full share of profits from only licensed multinational companies, and those 7 pairs of home designed underwear do not get ANYWHERE near the underwear bomber.
Nobody Wonders who is running Homeland Security? MLB?
Nobody Gets Email–
And SPEAKING of the meaning of words—–here’s an email which takes a simple word to the full extent of its meaning…
(Thanks to Kris)
Here are six conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:
- America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.
Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.
They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.
Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.
The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
Think about it!
That, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st century.
Makes you wonder who is doing the math.
These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the
direction of our current government and cultural environment:
We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.
And here’s another one worth considering…
Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. Think about it…..and last but not least,
Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens?
Am I the only one missing something?
Last night I had a terrific cold, along with aches and pains, and as I sat down to write, my computer mal-functioned.
To which I said, “%#@&” it.
Be rest assured that the Nobody Knows column next week, at this time, will be much more entertaining.
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Not awake yet? Then don’t miss this…One-of-a-kind, rather incredibe version of the Star Spangled Banner….then applaud! (LOL)
(Thanks to Conservative)
“You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly,” said Paltrow, who “consciously uncoupled” from her husband, Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin, earlier this year. It would be wonderful,” Paltrow said of Obama, “if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”
So, Nobody Cares if I translate what she said OFF the mike, probably in her bedroom, while little Moses and Apple were being entertained by her illegal immigrant housekeeper
“Oh…I just can’t speak, I’m breathless with excitement! To have you here, so close! I promise I WILL sign your contract! Here, I have it in my drawer…next to the bed. My lawyers told me there were at least 300 shades of gray in this contract, but, I don’t care. I promise to be your submissive, and you will do anything you want to me, and even punish me when I’m bad, Yes, I WANT you to punish me, because you are just so HOT!”
“Want some blow? It’s better than cheese!
Yes, getting those black voters out in November is not going to be easy, so the next step; THE WOMAN! We have to get the women all hot and bothered again.
Obama is HOT! He is good-looking, he will leave you speechless! (and your children sick or dead.)
Go to the voting both and VOTE, like Gwyneth. Give your entire life and your children over to this man.
So, how much was this ditzy, horny woman paid to say this to Obama? (Message sent.)
After all, the liberals KNOW the power of movie stars, and they use them all very effectively to get out their agenda’s. Look what happened to Chevron—
Actress Mia Farrow is under attack for secretly being paid $188,000 to promote a lawsuit against Chevron for allegedly poisoning the jungle and harming indigenous peoples. An Ecuadorian court ruled against the U.S. oil giant, ordering it to pay more than $9 billion in compensation.
By the way, Paltrow’s children, Apple and Moses, (Uh…why doesn’t she just change her name to EVE?) look VERY embarrassed about their mommy acting so…’sexual’ towards a man, who is not their daddy.
IF we can survive, not only our current political bozos in Washington D.C., but the horror of our educational system.
What else explains these people? (besides daily use of various mind-blowing drugs.) Then again, what if they KNEW who he was, and thought he was cool?
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Hey, some of you DID send some things! Cool!
Not to let Australia get by alone, this was sent by a reader who took these while he was in Alaska.
It seems, people in Alaska have a favorite pastime!
CLUE…find the bears.
(Thanks to John Cooper)
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This just in from my friend amfortas, who lives in Tasmania! And it’s good to know, that email is pretty much the same all over the world. If you have ever gotten a “customers of Wal-Mart” email, you know what I’m talking about.
Here’s a few of the lovely pictures of life down under. (Thanks to amfortas, who lives in a much SAFER neighborhood…I hope.)
Go ahead and send it to me—so everybody can enjoy!