—What I usually think about on Sundays. I have trouble getting my car fixed, can you imagine how hard it was to fix the Hubble Telescope?
Nobody Gets Email
Hey! It’s Saturday…the weekend over most of the world, and we can forget politics for two days…
I thought it was a good reminder of what happens when we watch Presidential debates…our brains might need a little rest:
(Thanks to JR)
SELF-EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE…It takes less than 15 seconds.
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
| | | | | | | | | |
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s
You are a Pervert
Nobody Gets Email:
They had me at number one:
(Thanks to JR)
New and improved perspective…
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a person’s mood just by their hands. If they are holding a gun, they probably upset.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
—- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
———- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Mark Dice—can’t even believe this one himself. He is getting people to sign a petition for a “male white privilege tax.”
Ha ha ha ha…ha ha! :) Okay. It’s not so funny when you see all the stupid people signing it.
Enjoy…or not. I haven’t decided yet.
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s the afternoon laugh from my liberal atheist friend, who loves off colored jokes about religious people.
Of course, I get a lot of ‘sexual’ jokes, and I find most of them boring…BUT…if they are clever and make me laugh, I try to picture Ronald Reagan telling them to his buds, and if I CAN…I then tell myself, life is too short not to laugh on a Sunday, right?
Almost Did It…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’ Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’ Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’ Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’
Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
how the liberal press is going to react to the fact that in Sharknado 3 tonight, there was a busload of conservatives having fun! Ann Coulter was the Vice President! And she was left alive. God bless the writers! Michelle Bachmann also had a few lines, and Mark Cuban played the President…a man as controversial as Donald Trump and big fan of Ayn Rand. Anthony Wiener ALSO had a cameo.
None of them were eaten by a shark. As you know, I was hoping for a sequel in which sharks would eat all the politicians in Washington, and even though they didn’t do it, they did destroy D.C.
Sharknado 3 was just too much fun, and a much-needed laugh…
And boy do we need a laugh…because this last week, we saw Obama make an unbelievable progressives blunder by giving Iran a pathway to nuclear power, along with who knows what else in that secret deal that he won’t let Congress see. It was a week of various strange vegetating almost Sharknado anomalies of unknowable consequences…so let’s get started on a few of them:
Right after five Marines were blasted away by a young Muslim wannabe Allah companion in Tennessee, our ‘President’ went on Jon Stewart’s program to basically flash his big grin and be adored.
Nobody Knows how he can be having so much fun, while the rest of America was in mourning, or WHY it took him so long to lower the flags on the White House for the Marines, but Jon reminded him.. the clock is ticking:
“You don’t have that much time to take away Americans’ guns and declare martial law… if you’re going to do that, you better get started,”
Nobody Knows how he answered that, or if Obama worked out before hand for Jon to make that statement—because I don’t watch Jon Stewart. In the name of Harry Potter’s scriptwriter, he is a witless wonder..but it’s his program and if he wants to be a PR man for the President, then why should this Nobody care? Obama will just find his replacement, who will be…black. (count on it)
And speaking of programs…
Ever since the fortune 500 companies took over the world and decided that America needed to be JUST like China…people have been complaining..because it costs more to live in America than China now, since we have only 5 companies that run the country..and these five companies have run the small businesses out. America is one big strip mall.
To make us all feel better about all these monopolies running our lives, the politicians have forced the companies to pay their employees more because they know the shark population is growing by the nanoseconds: But there’s a problem with it–for instance…in Seattle where it is law, there IS a problem.
Seattle’s $15 minimum wage law is supposed to lift workers out of poverty and move them off public assistance. But there may be a hitch in the plan. Evidence is surfacing that some workers are asking their bosses for fewer hours as their wages rise – in a bid to keep overall income down so they don’t lose public subsidies for things like food, child care and rent.
Oh boy, that’s a hard decision. To work…or not to work? That IS the question. Not only is California running out of water, they will be running out of waiters to SERVE the water they don’t have.
So, does a single mom with two kids work MORE and actually pay for food? Or work less and let the government keep paying her food stamps?
That’s a question it seems the government has already figured out.
Here are the 39 companies that have directly funded Planned Parenthood.
- American Cancer Society
- American Express
- Bank of America
- Bath & Body Works
- Ben & Jerry’s
- Deutsche Bank
- Fannie Mae
- Johnson & Johnson
- La Senza
- Levi Strauss
- Liberty Mutual
- March of Dimes
- Morgan Stanley
- Susan G. Komen
- United Way
- Wells Fargo
Nobody Knows if all of these companies are run by liberals—but we can make a good guess.
I looked at all these companies…there is only two that I do business with…that will certainly change. Who needs Coke? Have you seen what it does when you mixed it with Alka-Seltzer?
You might as well swallow a shark.
And speaking of sharks…the shark fest on Donald Trump…continues, and Nobody Knows how long it will go on.
Hey everybody! Look what Donald Trump made Lindsey Graham do! Because Trump gave out his cell number after Lindsey said THIS:
On Monday evening, Graham told CNN that Trump was “becoming a jackass.”
By Tuesday, Graham was appearing on “CBS This Morning” and calling Trump “the world’s biggest jackass.” Even “the jackasses are offended” by Trump’s remarks, Graham added.
Asked whether he thinks Trump can sustain his place at the top of Republican presidential primary polls, Graham — who is also seeking the nomination — said no.
“I think the beginning of the end has come. The beginning of the end has arrived because he’s crossed a line with the American people that will not be tolerated.”
He also mentioned that Lindsey had once came to his office begging for money.
While Donald is scoring points with the America people by bringing up the obvious failures of the politicians–the politicians are fighting BACK! The Obama way! By making funny video’s so that all the young voters will think Donald Trump is a square.
But…what does smashing your cell phone have to do for the veterans?
He says at the end of the video: “This is for the veterans?” Really? Do all the veterans have money to play golf? Many of them can’t afford a cell phone.
Proving again what Donald Trump says is true: the politicians have done NOTHING–nothing to help our veterans. Lindsey Graham has done …nothing. How smashing his cell phone is going to help any veteran get anything is beyond me.
To most of us it says: Hey! Lindsey! Jackass! You lost that one…you COULD have sent all the veterans a free cell phone—.instead of making an Obama video.
Nobody Wonders at the stupidity of the GOP. I heard a conservative radio host today make fun of Donald Trump because…he will probably wear a suit and tie to the border.
Really? You’re OFFENDED that Donald Trump refuses to dress down like our basketball playing, ghetto rapping lover, put-my-feet-up-on-the-Oval-Office-desk, President?
Go on. Is that all you got?
Ever since the ‘camera’ was invented, people have LOVED to take pictures of themselves….but what if you’re alone? This has been a problem until now…until somebody invented the LONG stick.
And the newest and funniest thing to do, is to take a picture of yourself. It’s called the selfie. (What, you thought I was going to complain about Donald Trump bloopers? Silly you.)
It seems some people just LOVE to see their own image, and they just can’t get enough of their own good looks.. but sometimes, one can go overboard, as you will see, MORE than a few of these people did.
(Don’t miss number 17 though…it goes into the archives of mysterious deaths list of democratic politician’s cover-ups)
So, this week, we have a contest between Obama and the above photo-shooters….a vast collection of humanity who just can’t get enough of themselves.
Who is the bigger narcissistic photo hog?
You have to watch the above video first…the nobodies of the world, just being creative with their normal selves, and wanting to express their achievements, through a well thought-out selfie.
And then we have Obama and his fondness for taking his own picture.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for loving themselves so much they can’t stop taking their own picture? Obama of course: In this case beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, it’s the face that launched a million suckers. TELL me those teeth aren’t capped.
Nobody Gets Email
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a ¤100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the ¤100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the ¤100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the ¤100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the ¤100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ¤100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the ¤100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.
At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the ¤100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything – No one earned anything – However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek government hopes to fix its economic problems.
Once a year, I usually make a visit to the St. Louis Zoo, so that’s where I was most of the day. It’s one of the best zoo’s in the country, and it’s still free. Well, free if you don’t park in the $15 dollar parking lots.
What was different about this year? They had a new polar bear exhibit, which was nice, but also, something I had never seen before: Mexicans right off the border!
I counted THREE Mexican family’s walking around pulling all their families belonging behind them in suitcases. Tell me, who carries their suitcases through a zoo?
They were all well dressed, looked very well fed, and very excited.
So what? Does the border patrol fly them to St. Louis, ask them were they want to be dropped off and they say the Zoo?
They go to the Zoo before they go to whatever house or hotel or apartment? Or do they have to waste a few hours while the border patrol finds them a nice place to stay?
In an area south of Mission, Texas, known as Rincon Village, border crossers are smuggled across the narrow Rio Grande River on small rafts. Once on this narrow peninsula, the illegal border crossers have nowhere to go but right into the hands of waiting Border Patrol Agents. This is by design. They want to be captured as quickly as possible because they know they will be sent on to their destination at taxpayers’ expense. They also know they do not have to fear deportation.
Evidently, not only do they have to fear deportation, they have a visit to the zoo so the kids can have some fun after the long plane ride!
Amazing. No wonder they want to come here.
Nobody Gets Email
I don’t know why this cracks me up, but it does. We can’t send our rockets into space anymore, but maybe we could send R2D2 over the White House fence.
(Thanks to Kim Komando, who says she WANTS one.)
Nobody Gets EmailHere’s a bit of silliness for a Saturday morning, that could have very well been written by Lindsey Graham…Good luck!(Thanks to J.R. )*****************Many of us are of the age where we askARE WE SLOWING DOWN OR ARE WE STILL”THE WAY WE WERE”..The below 11 questions will be an indication that”we still have it” or ”we are a wee bit off our game”…********************
1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named
April. The second child was named May.
…What was the third child’s name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
….What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
…what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole
…that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language
…is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
….How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
8. What was the President’s name
9. If you were running a race,
…and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,
… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Here are the Answers1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named
April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very
good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three
feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera
to take pictures.
8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd place. Well, you passed the person in
second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The
yolk of the egg is white”?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all
in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
You can’t make this stuff up. Satan’s home in Arkansas?
Since the Ten Commandments are being allowed to stay on Courthouse grounds in Arkansas (No, the Supreme Court evidently has not gotten to this yet) the Satanists want this wonderful statue of Satan to be displayed also.
Nobody Suggests it would be better displayed at the Clinton Library….after all, many believe that two of his disciples got their start there.
Also notice, the steel bar coming out of the young boy’s back to help hold Satan up. What kind of God needs to sit down all the time?
We should at least be GLAD that Allah doesn’t like his image shown everywhere too. Makes sense. Ban the Confederate Flag, and raise statues of Satan.
How the Owl in the Bohemian Grove feels about his? I suggest Gaia, Buddha, Obama, and Bruce Jenner, should have the same right….after all, if men are all equal, so are their gods…right?
(Don’t answer that, the NSA is watching.)
The feeding frenzy of Donald Trump begins! This pretty much portrays what everyone in the media was doing to the Tumpster last week….Will he survive? Stay tuned!