My liberal friend J.R., who has never been married, loves to send me…off colored jokes. While I hesitate to post too many, I thought this one was funny…
Enjoy! (or not)
Nobody Gets Email
It’s hard to believe that we can’t tell these kind of ‘racist’ jokes anymore. It may be racist…but it’s funny! Like many good jokes, it helps if there is a bit of truth to it.
(Thanks to my liberal friend, JR)
Wow. I HAVE been in a funk lately. This week I tore a hole in Rush Limbaugh, Obama, Glenn Beck, and let’s not forget the Pope. Okay. You could blame it on the weather. It’s been flooding here, and I have not been able to swim FOR A WHOLE WEEK! Doesn’t God realized that I wait the whole winter just for the moment when I can go swimming in his glorious sunshine? WTF is it with all this rain?
Is Moscow controlling our weather?
Okay. I can’t complain about God. While I wish understandably that I would win the Powerball so that I could buy my OWN pool, heated, ever ready, God always just sends me what he thinks I need. For instance….One Christmas I really needed exactly $1500.00. Part of that would go to Christmas presents for my son, part of it for medical expenses. And sure enough, God came through. While trying to get on the highway one day, one of those massive tractor trucks came zooming around the corner at about 50 MPH, and I was NOT about to get in front of that baby, so I stopped.
The lady behind me who was accelerating to get on the highway, ran right into the back of me. I’m sorry…I had to pick the lesser of the two evils…death by a 50-ton truck, or a fender bender. But hey! As I told her, “Last time I looked, in Missouri, if someone hits you from behind it’s THEIR fault.” (You can imagine how she reacted to that statement)
Thank you God.
And you all know I sometimes get carried away with my own gloom. I blame this on my mother, who woke up every single morning...depressed about the world. Talk about the cup half empty…to my mother there WAS no cup. She was pouring acid water filled with the dead souls of a million dead bumper baby regrets down a black hole, every single day. I’m surprised I even survived my childhood. To be fair, it wasn’t her fault. She had genetically inherited this gloom from her ancestors…and passed it on to me, and I’ve given it to my son.
Truly, it wasn’t our fault.
It’s a good think John and John Quincy had good jobs, THEIR sons did not even find a cup to climb into. And in that respect, I’ve been lucky. God has always thrown me a line.
I was getting so down after this last incident in Charleston, that I just had to get out today. So I put on my windbreaker, my worst tennis shoes, and sloshed through the rain. I had been trying to figure out how to get myself out of this funk, and then I read in a book that you must soar above yourself and see what’s ticks you off…to recognizes your ‘push’ buttons…
Hey—have you listened to the news lately? OMG. Give me a cup to THROW at somebodies head! My buttons are pushed out. Do NOT reset them.
But…God came through just in time today: For some damn reason, on the bookshelf at my local library was a P.J. O’Rourke book: One dollar. What a bargain. And reading upon this, as I stood dripping from the rain… I came to this passage:
Consider it a God moment—if you please…humor me.
Let us, for the space of this book, quit worrying and go take a look at what we are worrying about. And let us take a look not only at the worry but at the place where the worry is happening, the context within which the worry occurs, and the people who are doing the worrisome thing or having done it to them. And let us keep in mind about these people that, whatever their language, culture, or religion, whatever peculiar thing they are wearing through their nose, whatever caliber item they have pointed at our head, they are people , too. They are just as dumb, stinky, and ridiculous as we are.
And worry itself is fairly pointless. Worrying is a futuristic matter. About that future, Sydney Smith said almost two centuries ago, “We know nothing of tomorrow: our business is to be good and happy today.” To worry is an act of sublime ignorance. However, we can guess a few truths on the subject. One is that the usual solutions proffered for the usual worries are usually wrong.
I love it when God talks to me. Combine this with the movie I just watched about James Brown, and he is downright being the God he always turns out to be. He gives me just what I need, when I need it.
And so, picture if you can…ME. Dancing and singing..”Get up off of that thing, Dance and you’ll feel better.”
And I did. And I DO! Maybe God wants me to make this a morning ritual. (Ya think?)
God bless James Brown, P.J.O’Rourke, and whatever power in the universe who keeps…filling my cup up when I just run out of gas.
Tell me he doesn’t exist, and I’ll show you WHY you should never mess with a hummingbird.
It’s Sunday. It’s a day traditionally held for Godly worship.
And so, I’d like to dedicate this to the Pope, who not only thinks people pay WHY too much attention to their dogs…
But has now stated that there are WAY too many people on the Earth.
If the Pope keeps this kind of thinking up, I’d say that, not only has Elvis left the building….GOD has left the Vatican.
Hey, news flash MR. Pope: the rest of us earthly mortals love dogs and people…maybe you should get a dog.
So THIS is why parents give little girls dancing lessons!
Her name is Johanna, and she was born to be the next queen of soul…all she needs is singing lessons.
…Just when Michelle Obama is going to start this in all American companies? How would you like your boss to make you exercise twice a day? When will you get a raise based entirely on your waist size? :)
This makes me want to go out and get a supersized Quarter Pounder.
(Video was posted in 2008)
I used to love it when I was performing in bars….I really miss the people. These two women remind me of many of the customers that I used to see in bars…and every night some women who looked like these two, would want to sit in and sing…..after having about a pitcher of beer they became…brave, and would want to sit in and sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline.
And then her FRIEND would want to do it. And then somebody else would want to do it. I of course, encouraged it. I loved it. Easy money for me.
I loved it, not only because I could get a break and not have to do anything but laugh, but I was always amused at the sheer audacity of the women, who all thought, they sang Patsy Cline better than Patsy Cline. I would just play the keyboards, and have myself entertained.
And so, instead of having to write tonight, because it IS a beautiful summer night in St. Louis (yes, even in Ferguson the weather is great!)..and I want to go out and enjoy it…I’m going to let these good YOUTUBE nobodies take over and do my work for me.
By the way…Wal-Mart has a policy for the security to NOT interfere with physical confrontations. Remember that when you go there.
I thought the funniest part was when the lady who was so disabled she had to ride the store in a scooter, then got up—- and you realized, she could have walked around the store.
Jesus! A Miracle!
Those disability checks have kept her in good health.
So, enjoy some of the comments from the peanut gallery…I sure did.
Who won the fight? From what I can see….Nobody.
Not sure what is sadder. The women fighting, the kid who’s being raised to be a thug, or the fact that everyone is standing around filming and not doing anything to stop it.
When are we going to learn as a technologically advance society to turn our fucking phones horizontally when good shit is going down.
This is obviously sad in so many directions. First off, mom, you are not raising your son right. Secondly, if you do not need a scooter, you should probably not ride around in one. Finally, instead of standing around letting a child see and be a part of this kind of violence, someone should have stepped in and stopped this, or do we even care?
Still better than pacquiao vs mayweather
I feel bad for the bottle of Pert Plus that got thrown on the floor. It didn’t do anything wrong. It just wants to make your hair look nice…and these people said “no”.
Nobody Gets Email:
(Thanks to JR)
Danish writer Mikael Wulff and cartoon artist Anders Morgenthaler, “the creative duo known as Wumo,“ have created a brilliant series of graphs that illustrate some of the basic painful truths of everyday life in the Western world. Their graphs and diagrams are snarky and sarcastic but, for the most part, true. This, coupled with their simple and official-looking design, makes them a delight to look at. Wulff and Morgenthaler share these images on Wumo (formerly known as Wulffmorgenthaler). If you think you may have seen their work before, it should come as no surprise – they are a fairly successful cartoon duo. Their rise to success started in 2001, when they entered and won a cartoon competition. When they won, they received a one-month run of their comic strip in Politiken, a national Danish newspaper. Their popularity soared with the new exposure, and they soon found more and more publishers, including several blogs and newspapers throughout Scandinavia and Germany. Their most recent accomplishment was becoming a regular cartoon strip in the New York Times.
Nobody Gets Email
That does it. I will always choose Southwest Airlines if I EVER fly anywhere in the United States again.
Enjoy! (Thanks to JR)
Admit it…everyone at sometime in his life gets lost. I once got lost in East St. Louis, by missing my turnoff at the highway crossing over the Mississippi. I put on my baseball cap, hunched down behind the wheel as low as I could, and prayed…nobody would notice my white skin, because it was about 2 O’clock in the morning. I truly thought I was as good as dead. And this was in 1975.
So, this week, I thought we talk about a few lost souls that got lost last week: Two Teens in Canada VS John Kerry.
Let’s start with the two teens first. Being typical teenagers, they thought that, “Hey dude! Let’s go get stoned in the park!” would be fun. Teenagers going into the woods to get stoned has been happening ever since The Whole Earth Catalog showed everyone how to grow marijuana in their backyards. It’s something that happens probably more often than bears shitting there.
Anyway…there they were, in Canada, roaming a 50-acre undeveloped park, wandering around lost, and decided, in their infinite wisdom to call 911 and ask for help because..they probably ran out of Oreo cookies.
When a police dispatcher asked one of the young men if there were any landmarks around, he responded that he saw trees. So the dispatcher tried asking him to shout “Help” to alert the searchers, according to Acting Sgt. Adam Morris. Instead, the man said “Yeah,” in a quiet voice.
“Our dispatcher was able to determine they were on something,” Morris said.
I swear to the Godda di Vida, I have NO idea where John Kerry is at any given moment in time…he is all over the place. Even HE doesn’t know where he’s at. I guess the plan when you are Secretary of State is not to make phone calls, but to GO to the actual place and talk to whomever will see you. And if they don’t see you, no problem: you can eat at some pretty nice restaurants. John Kerry goes to so many places, you can’t tell me he remembers where he is at, at any given moment, and I don’t think he really cares. He just wants to talk…to anybody. Like those two teens, the reports we get from him are just as clueless and nebulous as those teens. Yesterday, he was in South Korea, and last week he was treading all over the middle East trying to get a deal with Iran. Now he is trying to write global laws for the internet:
Speaking on behalf of the Obama administration, Kerry said that Internet policy is “a key component of our foreign policy.”
First, no country should conduct or knowingly support online activity that intentionally damages or impedes the use of another country’s critical infrastructure. Second, no country should seek either to prevent emergency teams from responding to a cybersecurity incident, or allow its own teams to cause harm. Third, no country should conduct or support cyber-enabled theft of intellectual property, trade secrets, or other confidential business information for commercial gain. Fourth, every country should mitigate malicious cyber activity emanating from its soil, and they should do so in a transparent, accountable and cooperative way. And fifth, every country should do what it can to help states that are victimized by a cyberattack.
It’s that last part where John seems to find his place: Yes. Every country should to what it can to send money to other countries that need our help. When it comes to redistributing the American taxpayers money, John Kerry is NEVER lost.
So who win the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Is it the two teens, who probably dropped Acid and got so lost, the thought of having to sleep in a big scary forest at night without their X Boxes was just too much to bear?
Or is it John Kerry, who never recovered from losing the run for the Presidency to George W. Bush. He’s in some kind of weird “I can’t believe I lost” perdition.
Let’s put our hands together for John Kerry!
John Kerry….has no clue..that he is. Like the teens, he is just taking a long lost walk—- in the woods.
Somebody dial 911!
(Thanks to Readers Digest)
The old preacher was dying, as he sent for a lawyer and an IRS agent from his congregation. The lawyer and the agent were puzzled, since neither had been a close friend to the preacher.
As the two men entered the dying man’s room, the preacher motioned for them to sit on either side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, signed contentedly and stared at the ceiling. No one said anything. Finally the lawyer asked the preacher, “Why did you ask the two of us to come to your deathbed.?”
“Jesus died between two thieves,” the preacher answered, “and that’s how I want to go too.”
Well…it’s been a fun week has it not? So let’s get right to the reason for exploring the amazing world of “we just don’t know” according to Nobody, and the many reasons it’s probably a good thing:
While this may seem unimportant, I couldn’t help but wonder, why a mayor whose city was suffering from riots, would make an appearance to address the nation, in a sports cap. Especially since it was announced that for the FIRST TIME IN BASEBALL HISTORY, a game was going to be played, but nobody would be allowed to attend. Uh.
Was this so the players would still get paid? Can we do this to football too? Who needs those slobbering fans?
Was she going right from there to the game? After all, she’s the mayor. She could have a command performance. So I naturally thought, since the outfit looked like it was very expensive, that she was going to the ball game.
Ha ha haha! White people are so funny! It took me at least an afternoon to realized that it was her way of letting the hip hop rioters out protesting that she was ‘with’ them. (Or maybe she was doing both.)
And speaking of history…
Since our government is not suppose to make decisions in matters of religion, because of the democrats always shouting that we can’t mix church and state, and therefore Jesus cannot be displayed in our schools or military, but taxpayers have to “kill’ unborn children whether they want to or not…what gives the Supreme Court the RIGHT to make a decision pertaining to historically religious unions between a man and a woman? Why don’t they just solve the whole thing, and get rid of everyone having to get a marriage license. Get the state out of it completely. Then everybody could just go get married where they wanted to, and any priest could refuse. Open Las Vegas style “marriage” celebrations for gays in every city.
And why is everyone always interpreting the “pursuit of happiness” to mean whatever anyone can think up? If my idea of happiness is making sure that no more American hating Muslims move into my neighborhood doesn’t that mean the same thing as gays wanting to marry each other?
I don’t think Americans care at all if they marry each other—- go find a tree and declare your love, why should we care? What isn’t fair (and unconstitutional) is saying that if you don’t like gays getting married, your discriminating and the state can punish you. I once had a dentist refuse to treat me, because his assistant didn’t like me. So, I went to another dentist.
I was upset, but I got over it. Where is OUR freedom of thought? Of speech? Of the right to have our own opinions? And by the way, of COURSE the founders would have thought it absurd. They were mostly Christians.
And speaking of nothing in particular. Tonight I went to a seminar on hormones and their effect on the thyroid system. The Dr. said that to do 12 minutes of getting your heart rate up is more effective than an hour pumping iron. The lady in back of me, who was at least 65, then said..
“So, you mean short and hard is better than long and soft?”
Everybody laughed, but she really didn’t get it.
I know. She really was…in this day and age, that innocent. God bless her heart.
And speaking of sex…it seems the techies can’t WAIT to have sex with machines: They now have robots pole dancing in London:
The robots will be pole dancing for the remaining four days of the event, along with presentations from leading figures in the technology industry.
So far, Stephen Hawkins has not made a comment on this particular use for machines, but he seems to think we all need to get off the planet because the machines are going to kill us all.
And they are even going to do this without suffering from PMS. That’s progress.
I vote we send that guy to Mars, with a pole dancing machine.
Better yet, send some of those pole dancing machines to the White House. One more speech about police brutality and maybe…the robots will attack and save us all from two more years.
(NSA…that WAS supposed to be a joke. Thank you. Go back to your normal porn station.)
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s some thoughts from the opinions about the sexes from one man’s point of view. I read this to my husband who thought some of them were…stupid. So…there you go.
Enjoy! (I did.)
(Thanks to JR)
Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear “ the rules ” From the female side ….Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!
- Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one
1. You can either ask us to do something…Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cricket.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.
It’s Earth Day, and elites everywhere are concerned that all us nobodies are still polluting the planet, despite their relentless attempts at stopping us…by making sure everyone can afford an abortion that couldn’t before Obamacare.
Right now, Obama is taking about the pythons in the Everglades, but we have more pressing concerns: According to the Globe, Obama is so weak, he is being pushed around in the White House by wheel chair.
Do you skip pass the tabloids headlines at your local supermarket? I do. But yesterday, I just couldn’t help myself…there was a picture that was simply priceless of our President, trying hard to imitate, FDR.
You are not hearing this being reported on any of the news organizations.
According to this article, sources say Obama is trying to hide…throat cancer. Now granted they don’t SAY he has throat cancer, just that he’s a longtime smoker and drinker, and being an “African-American” he is at high risk for it. And he’s depressed.
“I start tearing up in the middle of the day and I can’t explain it.” Obama confesses. “why am I so sad? I need prayer.”
Funny, I find myself tearing up every time I hear you speak on TV, Obama, and I’m AM praying, but so far, nothing is happening to relieve MY depression.
Nobody Wonders why he just doesn’t go to the Mosque in the White House and get to it.
It also says, he’s so weak and so vulnerable to a heart attack, he could die.
What does this have to do with Earth Day you may ask?
Nothing, because Nobody Cares about Earth Day except people who were born to invent schemes to annoy everybody else.
The Globe, on the other hand, is paying attention to the more important issues of the day.
Like…what happens if Joe Biden becomes President? Would Hillary Clinton survive?