Nobody Gets Email:
(Thanks to JR)
Danish writer Mikael Wulff and cartoon artist Anders Morgenthaler, “the creative duo known as Wumo,“ have created a brilliant series of graphs that illustrate some of the basic painful truths of everyday life in the Western world. Their graphs and diagrams are snarky and sarcastic but, for the most part, true. This, coupled with their simple and official-looking design, makes them a delight to look at. Wulff and Morgenthaler share these images on Wumo (formerly known as Wulffmorgenthaler). If you think you may have seen their work before, it should come as no surprise – they are a fairly successful cartoon duo. Their rise to success started in 2001, when they entered and won a cartoon competition. When they won, they received a one-month run of their comic strip in Politiken, a national Danish newspaper. Their popularity soared with the new exposure, and they soon found more and more publishers, including several blogs and newspapers throughout Scandinavia and Germany. Their most recent accomplishment was becoming a regular cartoon strip in the New York Times.
Nobody Gets Email
That does it. I will always choose Southwest Airlines if I EVER fly anywhere in the United States again.
Enjoy! (Thanks to JR)
Admit it…everyone at sometime in his life gets lost. I once got lost in East St. Louis, by missing my turnoff at the highway crossing over the Mississippi. I put on my baseball cap, hunched down behind the wheel as low as I could, and prayed…nobody would notice my white skin, because it was about 2 O’clock in the morning. I truly thought I was as good as dead. And this was in 1975.
So, this week, I thought we talk about a few lost souls that got lost last week: Two Teens in Canada VS John Kerry.
Let’s start with the two teens first. Being typical teenagers, they thought that, “Hey dude! Let’s go get stoned in the park!” would be fun. Teenagers going into the woods to get stoned has been happening ever since The Whole Earth Catalog showed everyone how to grow marijuana in their backyards. It’s something that happens probably more often than bears shitting there.
Anyway…there they were, in Canada, roaming a 50-acre undeveloped park, wandering around lost, and decided, in their infinite wisdom to call 911 and ask for help because..they probably ran out of Oreo cookies.
When a police dispatcher asked one of the young men if there were any landmarks around, he responded that he saw trees. So the dispatcher tried asking him to shout “Help” to alert the searchers, according to Acting Sgt. Adam Morris. Instead, the man said “Yeah,” in a quiet voice.
“Our dispatcher was able to determine they were on something,” Morris said.
I swear to the Godda di Vida, I have NO idea where John Kerry is at any given moment in time…he is all over the place. Even HE doesn’t know where he’s at. I guess the plan when you are Secretary of State is not to make phone calls, but to GO to the actual place and talk to whomever will see you. And if they don’t see you, no problem: you can eat at some pretty nice restaurants. John Kerry goes to so many places, you can’t tell me he remembers where he is at, at any given moment, and I don’t think he really cares. He just wants to talk…to anybody. Like those two teens, the reports we get from him are just as clueless and nebulous as those teens. Yesterday, he was in South Korea, and last week he was treading all over the middle East trying to get a deal with Iran. Now he is trying to write global laws for the internet:
Speaking on behalf of the Obama administration, Kerry said that Internet policy is “a key component of our foreign policy.”
First, no country should conduct or knowingly support online activity that intentionally damages or impedes the use of another country’s critical infrastructure. Second, no country should seek either to prevent emergency teams from responding to a cybersecurity incident, or allow its own teams to cause harm. Third, no country should conduct or support cyber-enabled theft of intellectual property, trade secrets, or other confidential business information for commercial gain. Fourth, every country should mitigate malicious cyber activity emanating from its soil, and they should do so in a transparent, accountable and cooperative way. And fifth, every country should do what it can to help states that are victimized by a cyberattack.
It’s that last part where John seems to find his place: Yes. Every country should to what it can to send money to other countries that need our help. When it comes to redistributing the American taxpayers money, John Kerry is NEVER lost.
So who win the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Is it the two teens, who probably dropped Acid and got so lost, the thought of having to sleep in a big scary forest at night without their X Boxes was just too much to bear?
Or is it John Kerry, who never recovered from losing the run for the Presidency to George W. Bush. He’s in some kind of weird “I can’t believe I lost” perdition.
Let’s put our hands together for John Kerry!
John Kerry….has no clue..that he is. Like the teens, he is just taking a long lost walk—- in the woods.
Somebody dial 911!
(Thanks to Readers Digest)
The old preacher was dying, as he sent for a lawyer and an IRS agent from his congregation. The lawyer and the agent were puzzled, since neither had been a close friend to the preacher.
As the two men entered the dying man’s room, the preacher motioned for them to sit on either side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, signed contentedly and stared at the ceiling. No one said anything. Finally the lawyer asked the preacher, “Why did you ask the two of us to come to your deathbed.?”
“Jesus died between two thieves,” the preacher answered, “and that’s how I want to go too.”
Well…it’s been a fun week has it not? So let’s get right to the reason for exploring the amazing world of “we just don’t know” according to Nobody, and the many reasons it’s probably a good thing:
While this may seem unimportant, I couldn’t help but wonder, why a mayor whose city was suffering from riots, would make an appearance to address the nation, in a sports cap. Especially since it was announced that for the FIRST TIME IN BASEBALL HISTORY, a game was going to be played, but nobody would be allowed to attend. Uh.
Was this so the players would still get paid? Can we do this to football too? Who needs those slobbering fans?
Was she going right from there to the game? After all, she’s the mayor. She could have a command performance. So I naturally thought, since the outfit looked like it was very expensive, that she was going to the ball game.
Ha ha haha! White people are so funny! It took me at least an afternoon to realized that it was her way of letting the hip hop rioters out protesting that she was ‘with’ them. (Or maybe she was doing both.)
And speaking of history…
Since our government is not suppose to make decisions in matters of religion, because of the democrats always shouting that we can’t mix church and state, and therefore Jesus cannot be displayed in our schools or military, but taxpayers have to “kill’ unborn children whether they want to or not…what gives the Supreme Court the RIGHT to make a decision pertaining to historically religious unions between a man and a woman? Why don’t they just solve the whole thing, and get rid of everyone having to get a marriage license. Get the state out of it completely. Then everybody could just go get married where they wanted to, and any priest could refuse. Open Las Vegas style “marriage” celebrations for gays in every city.
And why is everyone always interpreting the “pursuit of happiness” to mean whatever anyone can think up? If my idea of happiness is making sure that no more American hating Muslims move into my neighborhood doesn’t that mean the same thing as gays wanting to marry each other?
I don’t think Americans care at all if they marry each other—- go find a tree and declare your love, why should we care? What isn’t fair (and unconstitutional) is saying that if you don’t like gays getting married, your discriminating and the state can punish you. I once had a dentist refuse to treat me, because his assistant didn’t like me. So, I went to another dentist.
I was upset, but I got over it. Where is OUR freedom of thought? Of speech? Of the right to have our own opinions? And by the way, of COURSE the founders would have thought it absurd. They were mostly Christians.
And speaking of nothing in particular. Tonight I went to a seminar on hormones and their effect on the thyroid system. The Dr. said that to do 12 minutes of getting your heart rate up is more effective than an hour pumping iron. The lady in back of me, who was at least 65, then said..
“So, you mean short and hard is better than long and soft?”
Everybody laughed, but she really didn’t get it.
I know. She really was…in this day and age, that innocent. God bless her heart.
And speaking of sex…it seems the techies can’t WAIT to have sex with machines: They now have robots pole dancing in London:
The robots will be pole dancing for the remaining four days of the event, along with presentations from leading figures in the technology industry.
So far, Stephen Hawkins has not made a comment on this particular use for machines, but he seems to think we all need to get off the planet because the machines are going to kill us all.
And they are even going to do this without suffering from PMS. That’s progress.
I vote we send that guy to Mars, with a pole dancing machine.
Better yet, send some of those pole dancing machines to the White House. One more speech about police brutality and maybe…the robots will attack and save us all from two more years.
(NSA…that WAS supposed to be a joke. Thank you. Go back to your normal porn station.)
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s some thoughts from the opinions about the sexes from one man’s point of view. I read this to my husband who thought some of them were…stupid. So…there you go.
Enjoy! (I did.)
(Thanks to JR)
Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear “ the rules ” From the female side ….Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!
- Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one
1. You can either ask us to do something…Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cricket.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.
It’s Earth Day, and elites everywhere are concerned that all us nobodies are still polluting the planet, despite their relentless attempts at stopping us…by making sure everyone can afford an abortion that couldn’t before Obamacare.
Right now, Obama is taking about the pythons in the Everglades, but we have more pressing concerns: According to the Globe, Obama is so weak, he is being pushed around in the White House by wheel chair.
Do you skip pass the tabloids headlines at your local supermarket? I do. But yesterday, I just couldn’t help myself…there was a picture that was simply priceless of our President, trying hard to imitate, FDR.
You are not hearing this being reported on any of the news organizations.
According to this article, sources say Obama is trying to hide…throat cancer. Now granted they don’t SAY he has throat cancer, just that he’s a longtime smoker and drinker, and being an “African-American” he is at high risk for it. And he’s depressed.
“I start tearing up in the middle of the day and I can’t explain it.” Obama confesses. “why am I so sad? I need prayer.”
Funny, I find myself tearing up every time I hear you speak on TV, Obama, and I’m AM praying, but so far, nothing is happening to relieve MY depression.
Nobody Wonders why he just doesn’t go to the Mosque in the White House and get to it.
It also says, he’s so weak and so vulnerable to a heart attack, he could die.
What does this have to do with Earth Day you may ask?
Nothing, because Nobody Cares about Earth Day except people who were born to invent schemes to annoy everybody else.
The Globe, on the other hand, is paying attention to the more important issues of the day.
Like…what happens if Joe Biden becomes President? Would Hillary Clinton survive?
Last week, we had two examples of protesters who just refused to be ignored. Their missions were heartfelt, emotional, and like most protests, rather pointless.
First up: Doug Hughes, a mailman from Florida, decided that he wanted to tell the world that the corruption of big money in politics had to stop. So, he did what any normal postman would think of doing…delivering his 535 protest letters to Congress via gyrocopter.
He made it to the West Lawn of the Capitol, then crashed.
You have to ask yourself, why he didn’t just put those letters in the mail himself? Because he was on a mission. So he planned this for two years, even called the FBI and told them what he was planning so they wouldn’t shoot at him, and it worked!
“As I have informed the authorities, I have no violent inclinations or intent,” Hughes wrote on his website, thedemocracyclub.org. “An ultra light aircraft poses no major physical threat – it may present a political threat to graft. I hope so. There’s no need to worry – I’m just delivering the mail.”
Everybody wonders WHY he wasn’t shot down? But why should he be? Most everybody in the country knows that Congress is NEVER at work. And it’s Hillary’s main message: Get the money out of politics…which means the Koch brothers need to be stopped in all future elections—it certainly doesn’t hurt the Clinton message that the people want to get money out of politics so badly, they are willing to sacrifice their own lives to make the plea.
Second: PETA decided to stage a protest of a circus, because the animals are being mistreated according to them…so they showed up at the Ramos Brothers Circus in Southern California, and it didn’t turn out so well—it seems the PETA protesters and the clowns got into a big brawl inside the tent:
Circus workers allegedly tried to stop the activists, who had been picketing outside the property where the family-run show was performing, from forcing their way inside the tent.
Two protesters were arrested following the big top brawl and Ringmaster Oliver Ramos claimed his lip was split after he was hit in the face with his own megaphone.
The ringmaster said it was the activists who were acting like animals.
“These people are just crazy fanatics … it has to stop,” Ramos said. “These people are getting out of hand.”
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Was it Doug the mailman who practiced flying his gyrocopter in order to become the only man in postal history to deliver mail by gyrocopter? Was this a way to get rid of those gas guzzling trucks and make the postal men just fly onto your front lawn? Will he still get his pension?
Or was it the PETA protesters who got so mad and vicious, the clowns had to put them down?
Who wins? NOBODY! Heck, I protest the govenment every single day, along with millions of others who are protesting our govenment every day, and what good does it do?
They just don’t make protests like they used too…the Boston Tea Party. .now THAT was a protest.
If you protest now, they just send in the drones. BUT..if I had to pick a winner it would be….
Sorry, I’m late here this afternoon….I’m having one of those “I‘m have more to do now that I’m retired, busy life” days.
Why not enjoy another one of these fine lessons in Reagan wisdom?
(I love these cartoons.)
Nobody Gets EmailI love some of these, and I am seriously thinking about tattooing number 4 on my right hand.Enjoy!(Thanks to JR)****************************Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings worth remembering:****1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.****
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.****4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.****5. Always drink upstream from the herd.****6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.****7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.*****8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.*****9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.*****10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.*****11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.*****12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about you’re age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Listen to how this guy still talks to his own mother, and he’s 72. And listen to how his mother can’t stop laughing.
Don’t you wonder how old SHE is?
As promised, a day away from the gloom and doom of the world… and simply humor.
Here’s a few jokes out of that poor man’s bathroom entertainment, the Reader’s Digest:
(Thanks to RD)
Mortified doesn’t describe how Jane’s parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, “Dear, he doesn’t seem like a very nice person.”
Four guys are driving cross-country each from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.
“What the heck are you doing.” asks the man from Nebraska.
“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of look at them!”
So the guy from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the windows.
So the Floridian ask, “What are you doing that for?”
“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”
Inspired, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
New arrivals at the Pearly Gates are comparing stories on how they died.
First woman: “I froze to death.”
Second woman: “I had a heart attack. I suspected my husband with cheating, so I came home early to catch him. I found him alone, but I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I ran all over the house looking, from the attic to the basement, in every closet and under every bed. Finally I keeled over, dead.”
First woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer–we’d both still be alive.”
Nobody Gets Email
(Thanks To Kris)
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
This week, we have a Secretary of State, John Kerry, who seems to be on the side of “Allah”, instead of what he should be saying he is on: the Christian, “God.”
Let’s start with John Kerry first.
By all accounts, John Kerry is trying to help Iran, the country that has said “Death to America” so many times, it might as well be a bumper sticker in Tehran. He is desperately trying to give Iran the power to develop enough nuclear bombs to blow us, and just about everybody else off the planet. And so, when he goes around saying things like Iran will get her nuke ….“If Allah Wills it.” you have to wonder why is he doing this to his own country?
John Kerry told reporter Laura Rozen this weekend that a nuclear deal with Iran is possible, “Inshallah.”
And then there’s Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was so furious that her boyfriend ate all the salsa She jabbed a knife into his stomach, AFTER she jabbed a pen into his pelvis.
Clearly, her priorities were not in order here. CLEARLY this woman has issues, beyond her own unfortunate birth.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Is it John Kerry, who wants Iran to get its own nuke so badly, he willing to become a follower of Muhammad? (Like his boss?)
Or is it Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was not about to let her man steal her salsa ever again?
John Kerry Wins!
When you can’t see that given Iran the ability to nuke Israel off the map, after all they have done to our boys overseas, then, you truly are less than perfect, in fact…we won’t say what you are here.
I do have my reputation to consider. (What reputation, Joyanna, you might ask?)
Congratulations John Kerry! You just won the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the century if your deal goes through.
As for Ms Phyllis. I suggest she just stock up on salsa and some meds.
And…stay single. Hopefully Michelle has taken all the salsa out of the lunch room prisons. Or…maybe not.