Nobody Gets Email:
It’s Saturday! Let’s get right to the good stuff:
(Thanks to Kris)
Marked dollar bill You don’t think we’re in a war?
A lady in Monte Vista, CO had this dollar bill. This is her story. After dinner she took a $1 dollar bill out of her purse and displayed it on the table. Underneath the words “In God We Trust” someone had stamped the dollar bill in red ink— NO GOD BUT ALLAH. We asked her where she got this dollar bill. She said it was part of her change in Alamosa , CO .
We took this picture of her dollar bill. These are beginning to show up all around our country! If anyone tries to give you one of these dollar bills as change, please refuse it and ask them to give you a dollar bill that has not been defaced.
Send this on to everyone you can. May God bless our USA — And quickly, before what we know and love is forever gone!
This week, we don’t have to go any further than that great melting pot of talent called New York.
We have a Nobody’s Perfect contest between the people who dress up as Cartoon Characters in Times Square, VS the newly crowned Miss America, who, you guessed it— is from New York!
This is going to be a tough one.
First: Let’s take the dweebs that harass tourists in Times Square. It seems there are ways to make a living, and there are ways to…make a living and not pay taxes. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Times Square, but since Rudy Giuliani cleaned up the “LIVE SEX ON STAGE!” acts, ALL the men from Wall Street have gone mad…wait….no…. the corporates have moved in and made it a very family friendly experience— you know, a place you can take the kids and watch Batman and Spiderman duke it out…for REAL. Several weeks ago, Spiderman hit a cop, and yes, Batman and Spiderman were arrested for fighting.
Cookie Monster has been known to grab at other things besides cookies.
Since I can’t figure out why Marvel doesn’t sue these people for using their trademarked and copyrighted images, it seems the city of New York has let this go on. But, too many people are showing up dressed as Cartoon Character (70?) and that means too many guys bantering for the same $5.00.
Second: And then you have Miss America…
Kira Kazantsev, the contestant from New York, won the Miss America contest last night, and everybody today is having trouble understanding why. In the talent contest she decided to sit on the floor and play…not four, not fifteen, not twenty, but ONE plastic cup. And that was even hard for her.
I couldn’t figure this out. She had a decent voice, WHY distract from it? You can’t imagine the horror of all New Yorkers…a place that has been known to produce some of the finest talent in the world. And this insult after the fantastic funeral from a REAL New Yorker…Joan Rivers.
I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t make me want to visit Broadway any time soon.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Frankly, I didn’t watch the Miss America contest, so I’m going by the video here. I’m guessing she looked pretty good in her swimsuit, or somebody donated a LOT of money to the right judge. While the rest of America wonders what in the world this girl did in college to learn how to play cups besides drink shots of vodka, we can only wonder why she didn’t just sing the song standing on her feet. Still, there have been worse acts to come out of New York…Hillary Clinton for one.
Shame on them. I’m almost tempted to get a plane to New York, dress up as Wonder Woman, and throw them both out of Times Square!
(Ha! Ha!) Sure. Maybe I’ll just follow them around and beat loudly on a plastic cup, while singing “I’m Henry the VII I am!” and drive them crazy enough that they quit and get a minimum wage job like the rest of us.
So, it’s official—- the Mayor of New York wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week.
Be the draconian progressive that you are Mayor De Blasio, and make these people pay taxes like the rest of us, or let Marvel take them to court.
Didn’t you learn ANYTHING in Russia?
Al Gore said that by now, the Antarctic would have completely melted, and Florida, along with the lost chads of Al Gore, would be sunk in a sea of rising (and no doubt very cold) arctic water.
BUT…that hasn’t happened, instead it’s actually gaining ice!
The amount of Antarctic sea ice is at record levels this year, but scientists insists that doesn’t disprove global warming. Satellite images show that almost 12.5 million square miles of sea ice surrounds the continent. That’s the largest amount since records have been kept in the early 1970s. “That is roughly double the size of the Antarctic continent and about three times the size of Australia,” Jan Lieser of the Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Cooperative Research Centre told ABC. The discovery was made late last week.
But, never fear, the global warming believers have found a global warming answer for that:
They say the sea ice is actually growing around Antarctica because stronger winds, caused by global warming, are facilitating the process by which sea ice is made. The ice is made in “sea ice factories” called polynias.
Yes. I would like to visit these sea ice factories, wouldn’t you? I have no doubt they are being run by the evil Koch brothers who are changing under-minimum wages to Salvadorians to produce this ice that is destroying the democratic dreams of domination.
We can only hope and pray global warming scientists don’t read any Michael Crichton books, because they might get the idea to actually set blasts of dynamite in that manufactured ice, and set a chunk of ice bigger than Australia out to crash into that lovely country.
I told you that this kid would be a big star.
Here’s his first commercial.
(Let’s hope he stays off drugs.)
Nobody Gets Email—
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein
(And to Joan from me: Of course you shouldn’t have called Michelle a Tramy…remember what happened in 1942? —-What? )
And so, Enjoy a few more Jewish Jokes and have a toast the next time you’re out telling jokes–to a very funny lady. We are going to MISS her.
(Thanks to Kris)
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
All day long I was going to write about Hillary Clinton claiming that “climate change” is the most pressing issue on HER mind as well as the planet. Nothing is more important than millions of liberals being able to FORCE the world to leave all the steaks and filets for the rich elites!
But I got bored.
So, since this is the hottest video on Youtube right now, I posted it so that my Mensa friends can see, and rejoice, that they lost the revolution! And for good reason.
Actually, the music is pretty good.
Nobody Get Email
(Thanks to Kris)
The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
I have wondered, and it is beyond my comprehension, that certain groups of people stay mad and angry at things that happened, not only long ago, but so long ago, it seems pointless to muse, get yourself emotionally upset and bent out of shape for something that’s already happened.
Also, these people continue to want “payback’ for something that nobody in this lifetime even cares anymore about.
IF—- our founders had outlawed slavery, would our world be any different today? Maybe, but no doubt there would be other problems instead. One thing for sure, more blacks would know how to swim.
IF— Britain had won the war of 1812, would the United States be better led by the Queen? She’d be more likable, but then again, England would be Germany. And airplanes might never have been invented. OR light bulbs. OR computers…but tea at three? We’d all have better manners.
Having pondered this: I have to give a good laugh at the British diplomats in Washington, who celebrated the burning of the White House with typical good humor…
British diplomats in Washington are apologizing for Twitter posts that made light of the 200th anniversary of their troops torching the White House in the War of 1812.
The apologies were prompted after the British Embassy posted a picture Sunday of Patrick Davis, deputy British ambassador to the United States, with a caption saying he was participating in “the anniversary of burning of the White House with a BBQ.”
Nobody Gets Email
Boy! Am I glad it’s the weekend! I’m also glad some of my email friends know what makes me laugh.
(Thanks to J.R.)
Just a short report on my visit to the Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, IL.
The local maps…are a joke. They have all the sights and only a few main streets, and we got lost about 40 times. Ask directions.
We kept hearing that Lincoln was a poor man: Nevertheless, he managed to own a house which by all accounts, would be considered upper middle class in 2014.
It contains the ugliest wall paper this side of the Atlantic.
Lincoln was the best dad a kid could have, the kids could play baseball in the living room.
He liked to torture himself. For instance, this was the desk in his bedroom. My only conclusion is he took off his legs to sit down.
WHY the local citizens decided to build the rest of his neighborhood is beyond all reason. Go to Main Street in Disneyland, it’s much more entertaining.
Not even George Washington has had more books written about him.
Do NOT…I repeat, DO NOT, wear any symbol of the American flag on your person or you will be followed around the city by big, burly, men packing weapons and looking mean.
The Capitol building where the representatives of Illinois come together has more marble than probably the Vatican. Of course, nobody was there, leaving the billions of dollars worth of marble, looking very lonely.
The Governor’s mansion has lots of democratic parties. (For the looters in Ferguson) let me inform you that the chandeliers alone are worth, about as much as the Mona Liza. They will also tell you that this mansion is the biggest in the nation. right. sure.
The best part of the visit was the museum itself. Disney helped and so, you could see Mary’s various dresses, and a room of political cartoons that made you sick because they made it into a fun house, and five politicians in 3D holograms yelling at you about how Lincoln was a black lover, or put it more succinctly, it was like having Al Sharpton and Harry Reid on each side of your head, yelling at you in Chinese. VERY effective to make you want to GET OUT of the museum.
We didn’t go see Spielberg’s props, as they wanted more money.
In the Library, they have given a cast of Lincoln’s hand to a few very famous people: Bill Clinton, Steven Spielberg, and The Pope. By the way….Lincoln had VERY tiny hands. Big feet, and evidently, a blond girlfriend.
At the end of the day, because it was rush hour, we finally made it to his tomb, which is HUGE! But, don’t make the mistake that it’s just a grave. You can go into it, and walk for what seems miles, into an endless underground maze of….MORE marble, and then you come upon his big marble coffin. His family is on the other side.
So, what did I learn? If our government spent even a ‘smidgen’ of the taxpayer’s money they put into building themselves monuments and Presidential libraries, and instead, spend it on the people, we would not own China one penny.
Italy is going to sink from lack of marble.
Besides all of that, I had a great day!
PS. My husband would like to add: “What was a Muslim, doing at the tomb?”
Answer: Looking for her emancipator.
Nobody Gets Email
If you have ever seen the famous skit “Who’s on First” by Abbott and Costello, you’ll find this, a I did, a very clever remake.
Enjoy! (Thanks to J.R. )
Lou Buys A Computer
|You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Once in a blue moon, a nobody kid makes it to the big time. If you haven’t seen this kid already, no doubt you will see more of him.
He’s money in the bank…”Apparently” will become the new buzz word.
“Apparently” Obama knew you couldn’t keep your doctor.
“Apparently” Obama knew about the crisis on the border.
“Apparently” precocious Noah Ritter can pick his own TV show.
And it’s a great way to end the day.
Geraldo Rivera has denounced the Drudge Report for carrying news stories that show some of the negative consequences and dangers from allowing vast numbers of youngsters to enter the country illegally and be spread across the country by the Obama administration.
Okay. Geraldo is like the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to him.
How can he attack Drudge? Really? Whose side is he on? Where else can you get so much information in one place? If not for the Drudge Report, I couldn’t have found my two losers for today! (Thanks Matt)
So, let’s get started:
Today’s contestants: Marion Barry VS Arwa Damon.
And it seems, he took another wrong turn:
Councilman Marion Barry, the former mayor of D.C., was spotted driving the wrong way down Pennsylvania Avenue before colliding with another car, MyFoxDC reported.
The cause of the crash was being investigated. Police said Mr. Barry was cited for driving on the wrong side of the road, expired tags and not having insurance.
Of course, when you’ve been a democrat as long as Mr. Barry, you have to expect a wrong turn every couple of hours. No doubt he just took a wrong turn trying to find the White House.
And then we have Arwa Damon, a reporter for CNN:
Arwa Damon, described by the cable network as a senior international correspondent, was intoxicated and abusive to a medical team stationed on the grounds of the embassy, where Damon did not have authority to be, according to the $2 million lawsuit filed in Manhattan on Monday.
CNN is being sued by two EMTs who say a foreign correspondent for the cable news network bit them in a drunken rage outside the US Embassy in Baghdad.
Wow! Sounds like something Geraldo would to.
Nobody Wonders if MS. Damon was having trouble finding another feminist in Baghdad? Really, I’d get drunk too if I felt like I was not being respected by the men in Baghdad, and being told that should cover up my body.
Okay, so I wouldn’t. Baghdad is not on my ‘need to visit’ bucket list.
Still the real question here is WHERE did she bite these EMTs? Since Geraldo wasn’t there to report, we might never know.
Nobody Gets Email:
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”
The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
And Allah replied, “Who said they were women” ?