I told you that this kid would be a big star.
Here’s his first commercial.
(Let’s hope he stays off drugs.)
Nobody Gets Email—
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein
(And to Joan from me: Of course you shouldn’t have called Michelle a Tramy…remember what happened in 1942? —-What? )
And so, Enjoy a few more Jewish Jokes and have a toast the next time you’re out telling jokes–to a very funny lady. We are going to MISS her.
(Thanks to Kris)
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
All day long I was going to write about Hillary Clinton claiming that “climate change” is the most pressing issue on HER mind as well as the planet. Nothing is more important than millions of liberals being able to FORCE the world to leave all the steaks and filets for the rich elites!
But I got bored.
So, since this is the hottest video on Youtube right now, I posted it so that my Mensa friends can see, and rejoice, that they lost the revolution! And for good reason.
Actually, the music is pretty good.
Nobody Get Email
(Thanks to Kris)
The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
I have wondered, and it is beyond my comprehension, that certain groups of people stay mad and angry at things that happened, not only long ago, but so long ago, it seems pointless to muse, get yourself emotionally upset and bent out of shape for something that’s already happened.
Also, these people continue to want “payback’ for something that nobody in this lifetime even cares anymore about.
IF—- our founders had outlawed slavery, would our world be any different today? Maybe, but no doubt there would be other problems instead. One thing for sure, more blacks would know how to swim.
IF— Britain had won the war of 1812, would the United States be better led by the Queen? She’d be more likable, but then again, England would be Germany. And airplanes might never have been invented. OR light bulbs. OR computers…but tea at three? We’d all have better manners.
Having pondered this: I have to give a good laugh at the British diplomats in Washington, who celebrated the burning of the White House with typical good humor…
British diplomats in Washington are apologizing for Twitter posts that made light of the 200th anniversary of their troops torching the White House in the War of 1812.
The apologies were prompted after the British Embassy posted a picture Sunday of Patrick Davis, deputy British ambassador to the United States, with a caption saying he was participating in “the anniversary of burning of the White House with a BBQ.”
This week, we have the subject of two separations: Rupert Murdoch VS Burger King.
Hey! I didn’t even know (or care) about Rupert Murdoch’s love life, but there it was in Vanity Fair: Rupert’s young Chinese wife of 14 years, Wendi, had been having sexual affairs with other men—- and not just any men. Tony Blair, Google’s Eric Schmidt, and co-founder of MySpace, Chris DeWolfe. (How she missed Bill Clinton is anybody’s guess.)
Get the feeling she likes to feel connected?
Really, what’s a billionaire mogul to do? His mother tried to warn him to stay with his last wife, who wanted him to retire, but Wendi saw her way to riches, and Rupert saw his way INTO China, and with the help of science, he was off to another marriage…his third.
It’s not the shock that a young women took advantage of an older man’s riches, it’s that she had to bed the one man Rupert had put into power, Mr. Blair, and she did it in their own house…and yacht…and who knows where else? Probably even in the Tower of London!
Rupert had raised LOADS of money for Tony, who really doesn’t need more either. But in the hall of fame gold-diggers, Wendi choose carefully: ALL these men …were powerful, rich, and mostly married.
And then we have the divorce of Burger King and its money, from Obama. Yes, Burger King is taking its big Whoppers and moving its headquarters to Canada where it will pay less taxes.
Obama has called this exodus of major American companies to other countries…unpatriotic!
After all…Walgreens wanted to move, and stopped cold after hearing those words, so, should we all be mad that Burger King is NOT going to pay its fair share, and you and I will have to fork out even more? Is it really their fault?
Who wins the Nobody’s Perfect award for the week? (No, it’s not Al Sharpton, I’m sick to death of him.)
Is it Rupert Murdoch, who failed to see that he was marrying a gold-digger? Rumors are he lost over $1.7 billion. Wendi got him into buying MySpace, which he paid $545 million and sold for $35 million. Uh….not exactly what you would expect a smart man to do.
And even though she signed a pre-nup, she got the Rockefeller triplex on Fifth Avenue ($70 million), the house in Beijing ($40 million), $14 million for each year she was married, jewelry and half of their art collection.
Or does the trophy go to Burger King, who just couldn’t stand to keep paying Obama’s high taxes?
It’s obvious isn’t it?
What a man will do for a pretty face, and a busty oriental beauty.
We really can’t blame Burger King for wanting to desert America. That fault goes to our past Presidents (of BOTH parties) who threw America out the window with the bath water when they dreamed up globalization.
Burger King doesn’t need us anymore…it’s in every country in the world now, and its the American people who continue to lose.
As for the REAL loser of the week…Al Sharpton……go ahead……fill in the blank………………………………………
Nobody Gets Email
Boy! Am I glad it’s the weekend! I’m also glad some of my email friends know what makes me laugh.
(Thanks to J.R.)
Just a short report on my visit to the Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, IL.
The local maps…are a joke. They have all the sights and only a few main streets, and we got lost about 40 times. Ask directions.
We kept hearing that Lincoln was a poor man: Nevertheless, he managed to own a house which by all accounts, would be considered upper middle class in 2014.
It contains the ugliest wall paper this side of the Atlantic.
Lincoln was the best dad a kid could have, the kids could play baseball in the living room.
He liked to torture himself. For instance, this was the desk in his bedroom. My only conclusion is he took off his legs to sit down.
WHY the local citizens decided to build the rest of his neighborhood is beyond all reason. Go to Main Street in Disneyland, it’s much more entertaining.
Not even George Washington has had more books written about him.
Do NOT…I repeat, DO NOT, wear any symbol of the American flag on your person or you will be followed around the city by big, burly, men packing weapons and looking mean.
The Capitol building where the representatives of Illinois come together has more marble than probably the Vatican. Of course, nobody was there, leaving the billions of dollars worth of marble, looking very lonely.
The Governor’s mansion has lots of democratic parties. (For the looters in Ferguson) let me inform you that the chandeliers alone are worth, about as much as the Mona Liza. They will also tell you that this mansion is the biggest in the nation. right. sure.
The best part of the visit was the museum itself. Disney helped and so, you could see Mary’s various dresses, and a room of political cartoons that made you sick because they made it into a fun house, and five politicians in 3D holograms yelling at you about how Lincoln was a black lover, or put it more succinctly, it was like having Al Sharpton and Harry Reid on each side of your head, yelling at you in Chinese. VERY effective to make you want to GET OUT of the museum.
We didn’t go see Spielberg’s props, as they wanted more money.
In the Library, they have given a cast of Lincoln’s hand to a few very famous people: Bill Clinton, Steven Spielberg, and The Pope. By the way….Lincoln had VERY tiny hands. Big feet, and evidently, a blond girlfriend.
At the end of the day, because it was rush hour, we finally made it to his tomb, which is HUGE! But, don’t make the mistake that it’s just a grave. You can go into it, and walk for what seems miles, into an endless underground maze of….MORE marble, and then you come upon his big marble coffin. His family is on the other side.
So, what did I learn? If our government spent even a ‘smidgen’ of the taxpayer’s money they put into building themselves monuments and Presidential libraries, and instead, spend it on the people, we would not own China one penny.
Italy is going to sink from lack of marble.
Besides all of that, I had a great day!
PS. My husband would like to add: “What was a Muslim, doing at the tomb?”
Answer: Looking for her emancipator.
Nobody Gets Email
If you have ever seen the famous skit “Who’s on First” by Abbott and Costello, you’ll find this, a I did, a very clever remake.
Enjoy! (Thanks to J.R. )
Lou Buys A Computer
|You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
—–the troubles I’ve seen ….(I miss the ETRADE BABY already) Okay…quote:
Nobody Knows..why every single cable channel in America last week, had to make us watch, hour after hour, the news, that two doctors who had caught Ebola in Africa, were being shipped back home. It got almost as much coverage as the JFK funeral. I almost expected O.J. to jump out of the ambulance at some point.
And everyone was in a panic. First, they scare you half to death with the instant deaths that could spread as fast as it does in Africa if these doctors infect someone, and THEN they get doctors, who look straight at the camera and say “Don’t worry. You’d have to take a bath in the vomit to catch it.”
One minute, you imagine hospitals overflowing with dead bodies, and a minute later..it never gets here, and everyone don’t worry, be happy. Ebola just sounds bad. Really, no problemo.
Nobody Knows …why they are NOT reporting the fact that there really is no worry from the two doctors who were so well protected, they couldn’t even infect themselves again with the care they got. But there IS real worry from all the illegal’s from those very countries that are being dispersed though-out America now.
Illegal immigrants from more than 75 countries are attempting to enter the United States, including some from countries with outbreaks of the Ebola virus and others from terrorist hotbeds Meanwhile, Texas Gov. Rick Perry insisted in an interview on CNN’s “State of the Union” on Sunday that his state is seeing “historic record highs” of people being apprehended from countries “that have substantial terrorist ties,” including Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Syria. Add to the disease carrying illegal’s flooding the border, and add to them Muslims with virgins in their eyes: “And when you think about the idea that some of them are from countries that have substantial terrorist ties, whether it’s Pakistan or Afghanistan or Syria, we are at historic record highs with individuals being apprehended from those countries.”
And speaking of other countries.
Nobody Knows why Obama went on as planned with his African “I’m going to save Africa, and give them my expert business advice” conference.
And why are the American Airlines still flying to these ‘hot’ places while the British Airlines has stopped? You would think by now we’d follow the British, who by the way, got the hell out of Benghazi.
Nobody Knows how many pharmaceuticals companies are salivating at just the dream of a massive world Ebola outbreak. The CVC already has a patent on a strain of it! How wonderful! Get ready for your local drug stores to be advertising “Get your Ebola vaccine her! ” Better yet, if we get outbreaks here, just think of all the executive orders Obama could dream up. He’s dreaming them up right now, as we speak…on the golf course…
And speaking of outbreaks
Nobody Knows, why Obama is so mad that companies are leaving the United States.
“They’re basically renouncing their citizenship and declaring that they’re based somewhere else, just to avoid paying their fair share,” Obama said recently.
Now that companies are people, they have a RIGHT to go live anywhere. What’s the matter with him?
And speaking of going to live anywhere…
Nobody Knows, but here in St. Louis County, Executive Charlie Dooley, a black democrat, was defeated by another democrat Steve Stenger, who was white, and had the unions behind him. Dooley was defeated badly. Dooley was a Marion Barry wannabe, and the county is starting to look like Detroit’s ugly step-sister.
Nevertheless, Dooley didn’t seem upset, so far, no race card was played— so Nobody Knows, but I would not be at all surprised if Dooley doesn’t move on up to Washington D.C.
And speaking of Washington D.C.,—-
What’s VERY clear, is my dweeby generation will go down as the most screwed up, drugged out, idiotic, hedonistic, greedy, and selfish bunch of morons to ever run the nation.
Having said that, Nobody Knows that I have disowned them all.
I am now…19. Wait. No—I’m 95.
Next week, we will explore the brain of Jimmy Carter, and whether the the UFO he claims to have seen, actually abducted him, since he now claims Hamas are legitimate human beings.
In the meantime, if you’re wondering what the hack happened to your country?
Once in a blue moon, a nobody kid makes it to the big time. If you haven’t seen this kid already, no doubt you will see more of him.
He’s money in the bank…”Apparently” will become the new buzz word.
“Apparently” Obama knew you couldn’t keep your doctor.
“Apparently” Obama knew about the crisis on the border.
“Apparently” precocious Noah Ritter can pick his own TV show.
And it’s a great way to end the day.
Geraldo Rivera has denounced the Drudge Report for carrying news stories that show some of the negative consequences and dangers from allowing vast numbers of youngsters to enter the country illegally and be spread across the country by the Obama administration.
Okay. Geraldo is like the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to him.
How can he attack Drudge? Really? Whose side is he on? Where else can you get so much information in one place? If not for the Drudge Report, I couldn’t have found my two losers for today! (Thanks Matt)
So, let’s get started:
Today’s contestants: Marion Barry VS Arwa Damon.
And it seems, he took another wrong turn:
Councilman Marion Barry, the former mayor of D.C., was spotted driving the wrong way down Pennsylvania Avenue before colliding with another car, MyFoxDC reported.
The cause of the crash was being investigated. Police said Mr. Barry was cited for driving on the wrong side of the road, expired tags and not having insurance.
Of course, when you’ve been a democrat as long as Mr. Barry, you have to expect a wrong turn every couple of hours. No doubt he just took a wrong turn trying to find the White House.
And then we have Arwa Damon, a reporter for CNN:
Arwa Damon, described by the cable network as a senior international correspondent, was intoxicated and abusive to a medical team stationed on the grounds of the embassy, where Damon did not have authority to be, according to the $2 million lawsuit filed in Manhattan on Monday.
CNN is being sued by two EMTs who say a foreign correspondent for the cable news network bit them in a drunken rage outside the US Embassy in Baghdad.
Wow! Sounds like something Geraldo would to.
Nobody Wonders if MS. Damon was having trouble finding another feminist in Baghdad? Really, I’d get drunk too if I felt like I was not being respected by the men in Baghdad, and being told that should cover up my body.
Okay, so I wouldn’t. Baghdad is not on my ‘need to visit’ bucket list.
Still the real question here is WHERE did she bite these EMTs? Since Geraldo wasn’t there to report, we might never know.
Okay. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe my imagination is going too wild. Maybe I’ve been spending too many hours reading, lying in the sun—maybe I should not be concerned:
There IS a scientific explanation for everything…right?
Here’s what’s bothering me.
Not too long ago, I got a new modem, and a brand new router. I have faster internet. AND yet,
Whenever I go to the Glenn Beck site, I get kicked OFF the internet. Within seconds. .
I can visit any other site on the net, and this doesn’t happen. It’s bugging me.
Could this be a virus? Could there be something out there that keeps people from logging on to Glenn Beck’s’ site?
The other weird thing I don’t understand is cell phones.
Just this morning, my husband and I were discussing going to see the new Movie “Guardians of the Galaxy” and on the table beside us, was his cell phone.
He picked it up to scroll down his messages and then all over a sudden we heard, (and very loudly I might add) two people having a conversation.
It took us a few minutes, but we recognized that it was a conversation we had had several days ago. In fact, it was a very long conversation.
I’m sure WE did not record that. (We have the cheapest cell phones money can buy) Neither of us had any idea that you could record whole conversations on your cell phone. It just popped out at us…and frankly, it was disturbing.
Since I don’t claim to know much about the internet, OR cell phones. Anybody out there who can explain either of these weird happenings in a common sense way, I’d appreciate it.
Will cell phones just record at random different conversations all by themselves and play them back to you for fun?
And more importantly, is this happening to anyone else?
The computer? I can easily assume that there are many people who would want to block websites.
In fact, is this just the beginning? Didn’t Obama give the internet up to the ‘world’?
The Cell Phone? I like to think that, IF someone has been monitoring our phone conversations, than I’d like to thank them for letting us know for sure. After all, we still believe that even though our leaders have gone completely out of their minds, most Americans are decent people.
We were discussing….rose bushes. I had a lot to say on the subject, you can imagine.
Anyway, if the NSA, or the Obama administration finds amusement in my little patriot world, may I end with one statement…
“Don’t you have bigger fish to fry?” LOL!
Nobody Gets Email:
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”
The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
And Allah replied, “Who said they were women” ?