We live in a world bombarded by headlines, and it’s getting unreal. I read so many headline during the day, I have to deheadline myself with a bottle of vodka and two donuts, and …
(just kidding,..I usually just eat ONE doughnut and skip the vodka.)
But, the very first thing I do each day is hop on my computer and read the daily headlines, and NOBODY does headlines better than the Drudge Report.
Since I have NOT been paying attention to headlines today due to the important task of trying to find gutter covers for my gutters…I’ve grabbed today’s headlines ….VIA THE DRUDGE REPORT: (With my usual nobody comments)
HEADLINE: Washington and Moscow can’t agree on definition of ‘terrorist’….
This is news? The Obama administration’s idea of a terrorist is an American who is suspicious of their government, owns a gun, loves the American flag and its history, longs for the days when Miley Cyrus wasn’t naked, and does not want to pay any more taxes. No wonder Putin’s confused. Also, Obama says ISIL– Putin says “Anybody who is trying to overthrow Assad” is a terrorist.
It’s hard to kill a terrorist if you can’t decide who they are.
Obama gets many things confused: like the differences between Islam and Christianity, what the office of the Presidency is legally allowed to do, the difference between ISIL and ISIS, and what plane to take to the golf course to that day. And following THAT headline was..
HEADLINE: Paper: Putin sees Obama’s coolness as weakness.
So do we. We also see his coolness as typical East St. Louis/South Side Chicago, ghetto BS.
This means of course, that the people who elected Obama, are really sorry now, and Sanders it attacking what Obama said he was going to attack, but doesn’t: The rich. In fact, all he does is hang out with them. Those mean and evil rich people. Bernie is for giving EVERYBODY free everything, (Obama only gave out cell phones) which means higher taxes, and basically the collapse of the United States. (okay, so it will just bring it on faster) Bernie…I hate to tell you, but you aren’t going to hurt the very rich. Not now. Not ever. It makes for a great speech though…Keep it up!
HEADLINE: CBS News: Biden Could Decide Presidential Run in Next Week.
He wants to make sure everybody in the country has had a chance to read the news that Hilly has a brain tumor first. Anyway, it’s much more exciting to just keep everybody waiting. No doubt he’ll wait until Christmas and announce it as a gift to his dead son, because Jesus would want it that way.
HEADLINE: HILLARY: LIVE FROM NEW YORK
New York can keep her. She’s might as well be dead, with Bernie’s numbers.
Let them. Monsanto will stick it in their beer. Our great leaders want to make SURE we know how many calories on in our Big Mac, but not the fact that the new organic food you are paying more for, is also…genetically altered by GM. As far as WE know…GM has genetically altered the very clouds above our heads. But then again, I don’t think the EU is going to be around too much longer to even worry about GM any more. They have bigger problems…like how to NOT spill a beer on a Burka.
HEADLINE: Gay former student of Pope Francis’ speaks out
Gay man was surprised that the Pope met with Kim Davis, “It’s just not like him.”
Nobody agrees. This was an act that a REAL Pope would do. The Pope obviously got took a wrong turn in his Pope Mobil. He should have Googled directions.
Have the people stop being obese from soda? NO! So, maybe it’s not the soda that’s making them fat. If we all stopped drinking soda, why are we all still fat? Are we to feel sorry for the soda companies?
If you do, slap yourself. Now Coke and Pepsi sell water….at a higher price. And Monster energy drinks—- Which are probably even worse for you. But..it just goes to show you what happens when you “TAX” food. Just wait till they start taxing your water. Wait…they already do! Okay, wait till they start taxing your fat on your body–and by the way, would you rather pay higher taxes on the fat on your body, or pay triple your heating bill for the rest of your life? Slap yourself again! Soon, you won’t have a choice.
HEADLINE: Immigration To Add 7 People for Every Net U.S. Birth
I saw proof of this today in my local K-Mart. SEVEN little Mexican kids, were playing in the toy isle, and they ALL had the latest and newest Halloween costumes on. Did mom just try them on for size in the store? I had princesses and fairies dancing around me before I even GOT to the Christmas trees. Yes, Bush is right. These people can pop out the babies, and bring the rest in from down under. You want people? No problemo. They are coming….
HEADLINE: Germany faces logistical nightmare as refugee inflows hit record.
Transferring millions across Germany, to each little town takes time, and the Muslims are NOT happy:
“The authorities tell me to sleep and eat. I say ‘give me a job’!” said Afghan-born Mohammad, 24, who grew up in Iran and later moved to Greece. “Everyday I sleep and eat and I don’t like it. I didn’t come here for the food – I have better food in my own country.”
HEADLINE: CNN Turns Mixed Race Oregon Shooter into a White Man
Right. And he hated blacks too. So..why did he go out and kill a bunch of white people who were Christians again? And why does CNN get to alter a man’s skin color?
HEADLINE: Google excited about its new driverless Cars of the Future
Okay, that last one was mine. 60 Minutes had a segment on tonight that showed what Google hopes to be the future of our transportation: Driverless cars.
HEADLINE: 16 Million Cars crash Tuesday, due to anonymous digital hacker…6 million dead.
Why doesn’t Google work on fixing our infrastructure from an EMP attack instead? After all, one missile over our country would put Google out of business for ten years.
That’s a headline we wouldn’t even get to see. Nobody Thinks those young Google Executives are drinking too much…Soda.
Nobody hopes they go back to just drinking beer…from Germany.
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s one I got yesterday….and so, in the tradition of how this Nobody promised to not take myself seriously on weekends, I post it, and thank Mr. Tom Beebe.
My Dear Friend:
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington , D.C. Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.
So far, the Committee has raised $ 0.16.
Can we count on you??
Like…How did the Pope go on such long rides without having to pee?
Can 200 million Muslims fit into a Prius?
Now that Mars has water, can we open up Guantanamo there, and give Obama the chance to once again let our enemies take a very expensive American asset over to use as his own Club Med for U.S. prisoners?
Will Obama give Castro $1.7 trillion dollars in reparations for the cruel and inhuman treatment by the U.S.A?
Why didn’t Putin take off his shirt in front of the U.N. audience? Or…did he just take it off in front of Obama?
Can we get Trey Gowdy into the Presidential race…is it too late?
Is the GOP National Committee Chair Reince Priebus going to change ALL the primary rules so that the only state that will vote for Jeb, Puerto Rico, will be allowed to kick everything off, by taking over Iowa’s job?
When Raul Castro met with Bill Clinton in New York, did they discuss the possible exchange of Monica for a boatload of life-time Cuban cigars for Bill?
Will we see Obama’s economic plans for the Middle East, and his jobs programs for jihadist before the next election?
Since the United States has allowed 2500 men who went overseas to train with ISIS, come BACK into the country, can we now dismantled the NSA, since clearly, it doesn’t work?
If Rubio can call Trump a “freak show” And Glenn Beck can call Sarah Palin a “clown”…can we now assume that Rubio and Beck had pretty sad childhoods?
Will Hillary’s new grandchild learn to say “Vote for Hillary!” right before her nomination as the democratic pick for President? Will she learn to walk on water before the Presidential election?
Does Newt Gingrich REALLY want his old job back?
Is Rand Paul just jealous of Ted Cruz? Is that why he is always picking on him?
Will they ever put cocaine back in Coke?
Can the Middle States of America just LEAVE the union, and bring back the Constitution, and let California and New York join Puerto Rico as satellite states?
Since Donald Trump boycotted Fox News, nobody has been watching Donald Trump, but then again, nobody is seeing Donald Trump either. Is this a checkmate?
AND—will Ben Carson sneak up on them all while this is going on?
Can we get Ben Carson to operate on Obama’s brain? Is that possible?
Will someone PLEASE outlaw flies? If we must have all these laws, why not a sensible one? (There is one flying in front of my screen right now.)
When Iran attacks Israel, will John Kerry finally get the Noble Peace Prize that he has been working for?
Is Trump really right about Carly Fiona? She is just another corporate Rino?
Are you, like me, worried more about what you don’t see on the news than what you do see?
Can we get Ben Carson to operate on Hillary’s brain?
Would YOU put a chip in your head so that you could find your car keys?
Could it be possible that there are WAY too many Monopoly versions on the market? Does every football caught on the field have to feel like the Pope just blessed a baby?
Can I stop now?
I had to post this today, because in my own family, this is happening. This Nobody (me) has been notified to STOP talking about religion and politics around her family. Of course THEY are allowed to talk about it, usually saying to me, things that cause my eyebrows to raise beyond my forehead line. My right eyebrow is floating somewhere near the Space Station.
In fact, trying to muzzle my own opinions is like trying to muzzle elephants on a rampage. I’m winning my own muzzling so far….but….my eyes might pop out…I might have to say something to someone. Hopefully—I’ll find the nearest lamp post and be allowed to remain in the family.
I thought it was only MY problem…this “We don’t want to be upset about the current state of our country.” so…shut up, until I watched this video.
Is anybody else having this problem in their families?
(Thanks to Mark Dice)
How about some politically incorrect humor today?
Jeff Dunham, so far as we know, is not on any list.
Or is he?
(Thanks Kim )
Nobody Gets MEANINGLESS Email:
(Thanks to J.R.)
Politics, we are finding out, can bring out the senility in many men…and this week we see two examples of that: Rupert Murdoch, who owns the most ‘conservative’ network in America, and Jerry Bance, a man who was running for office in Canada.
Let’s start with Rupert first: Rupert has said many a wonderful thing about Hillary Clinton, leaving all the people who watch FOX in complete confusion as to how a man who runs the most conservative network on Cable can be…a democrat? Say what? So, he is. And if that’s true, than all the stuff he has on cable is just to put huge wads of cash into his pockets, not to further any kind of belief he has.
And wise he is at that, because liberal stations, have no viewers. But we all had to wonder about Rupert’s senality when he tweeted this recently:
“Looks like Biden already running. Very likely he wins nomination and be hard to beat.”
Joe Biden…hard to beat? On what planet?
Is his head even attached to his body? (I’m speaking of Rupert here…we already KNOW where Joe Biden’s head is)
Evidently not. Rupert no longer listens to his own TV station, no doubt, all he sees at his age are the legs.
On the other hand, we have Jerry Bance, another conservative obviously missing a few marbles.
On Monday, Canada’s Conservative Party dismissed a parliamentary candidate after footage surfaced of him urinating into a homeowner’s coffee cup while on a repair call in 2012, the Toronto Star reports.
The incident was originally captured as part of a CBC hidden camera investigation of dishonest handymen, but the free-peeing repairman was only identified as a three-time Conservative candidate Jerry Bance this weekend. From CBC News:Bance had also run as a Conservative in 2006 and 2008. Jason Kenney, the high-profile Conservative minister and candidate from Alberta, helped him kick off his current campaign last week.
Well–I’m not sure how to compare these two…who should win this week’s Nobody’s Perfect contest?
Rupert? A multi-billionaire who doesn’t care if he pisses off 90 percent of the people who watch his cable network, by tweeting his excitement of another perverted democrat who might get in the White House?
Or Jerry Brance, who either forgot what toilets are for, or is just too lazy and old to walk to the bathroom? After watching that video, I’m never leaving another service man alone.
Frankly, I can’t pick either one. Both of them bring a bad taste to my mouth.
I say…it’s a draw.
Next week, I’m sure we’ll find a REAL winner.
The last time anybody north of Miami thought of Cuba was in Godfather II–the scene where the Mafia Jew, Hyman Roth, gathered his Mafia friends in Cuba to celebrate his birthday.
I’m so excited. But not as much as John Kerry. For the first time in history…John Kerry can actually give a speech where everybody HAD to stand in line and listen. After the Iran daily meetings, John finally got to do what he loves to do best: PRETEND he won the election, and pretend that the world cares—-
“The United States will always remain a champion of democratic principles and reforms,” he said. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy, where people are free to choose their leaders, express their ideas, practice their faith.”
Ha ha ha ha ha….Right. The people in Cuba will be free to choose a new cell phone plan, and some more Apple I-phones, and sell some of those fabulous cars to some really rich liberals, but the leaders are going to stay in place LONG after they die. I can see Castro and his brother being stuffed and preserved in perpetual rule for at least another hundred years.
While most of us see this as a simple money grabbing play from BOTH sides…Castro will get his millions, Obama will get his millions by selling GITMO, and some major companies will get to sell their fast food franchises while smoking Cuban cigars legally in their Havana hotel rooms, the rest of us still remember watching our dads dig fallout shelters in the back yard, and think:It could STILL happen.
What did the Republicans say?
“Instead of embracing democracy and changing their oppressive behavior, the Castro regime has countered with a list of expensive demands and continued to deny basic freedoms to its own people,” House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, said in a statement Friday. “Opening the door to an embassy in Cuba will not open the door to democracy for the Cuban people.”
Cuba will remain communist. We deal with China every day and THEY remained communist. Do you really think this is going to change Cuba?
What is really happening is instead of democracy spreading into communists countries..America is turning communist!
Gee. It wasn’t suppose to work like that, was it?
So, Nobody Cares if I don’t get too exacted about an embassy opening in Cuba.
In the end it’s just another place that can be crashed and burned…until then, VIVA Comrades! How much do you want for that 1969 Corvette Stingray? It’s okay, just put the REST of the merchandise in the trunk, pack it on the boat, and come on up!
Better pack some diapers. You never know.
Nobody Gets Email
Hey! It’s Saturday…the weekend over most of the world, and we can forget politics for two days…
I thought it was a good reminder of what happens when we watch Presidential debates…our brains might need a little rest:
(Thanks to JR)
SELF-EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE…It takes less than 15 seconds.
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
| | | | | | | | | |
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s
You are a Pervert
Mark Dice has only to go down the block it seems to entertain the masses. I know. I had to post this because it was so unbelievable. Not one of these people have an idea what the Bill of Rights even is.
The first lady was just downright scary. But, be of good cheer, I post a few of the comments below to show that here ARE Americans who have read the Bill of Rights.
And by the way, Hillary WOULD get rid of those pesky things in a heartbeat. In many ways, she already has.
So, enjoy, as I did, comments from the peanut gallery!
Not knowing the importance of the Bill of Rights as a American Citizen is like not being knowledgeable of the alphabet, which would be insanely stupid, unfortunately 1984 will become more of a reality in no time the rate we our proceeding at.
LMFAO!!….watching the black guy talking out of his ass trying to act like he is smart…
Mark, how do you keep a straight face with all that? Botox?
Reply · 18
+cerberus189 Yep! However most people couldn’t tell you what The Bill of Rights is or what it means. They know all about the latest pop singer, trend on Twitter, but have no idea what their rights are. They’re Zombies.
I’m so glad I moved from that mindless state… Ah fuck this state is full of ’em too! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!
Nobody Gets Email:
They had me at number one:
(Thanks to JR)
New and improved perspective…
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a person’s mood just by their hands. If they are holding a gun, they probably upset.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
—- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
———- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
FIRST: Let me say that the last three summers in Missouri have been cool. We are used to the temperature getting to 90 degrees in June, but that now doesn’t happen until well into the middle of July. As I look forward to the few swimming months in the summer, it’s rather annoying of course to me.
But that’s me.
“Well, the Polar Bears are DYING!” said one of the two sisters that were my new next door neighbors.
“No they’re not.” I said. (Should I tell them that the bears actually do better in global warming because they get more seals to eat? Naw.)
“Oh YES they are! National Geographic says so! Ice is melting! Water is rising!”
They were absolutely convinced.
So, right then, you have a choice…I thought to myself, do I refute them, or do I keep my mouth shut because after all, they ARE my neighbors.
I tried the educational approach.
“Well, you know, there are just as many scientists who say it’s not true, and who say we are actually going into a mini-ice age. Frankly…if you want MY opinion, the sun is in one of its lower cycles and that means we can keep expecting cooler summers, and the bone cold winters we are getting….”
The look these two women faces—-sent chills down to my swim fins.
Here’s what is worrying me. These woman are NOT stupid. They were raised on a farm. One had been a Para-medic, and the other had done various jobs…as a chef, a carpenter, a nurse. You would THINK that they would notice that what they are hearing on TV, and what they are actually SEEING and experiencing, does not fit.
Where is the critical thinking? You mean to say that people’s lives were once in these two hands?
And it’s sad….I HAD to open my big mouth.
“Well, maybe the earth just titled.” I said, trying to ease their anger.
That did it. I got the crushing of the lips. When people crush their lips together, it’s not good.
“Okay. I read too much.” I said and swam away.
And then I remembered that I wrote a comment on Spoormoor’s blog (Give it a visit..it’s great stuff. :)) about being deaf. To tell it shortly, Tom Edison said that because he was deaf, he considered it actually a great gift…he missed a lot of small talk, which he said,
“I am glad of it. Most nerve strain of our modern life, I fancy, comes to us through our ears.”
No kidding. “Nerve strain” is what’s wrong. All those idiots shouting idiotic things into our ears every hour of the day, day in. day out…Ooooooooo…….ahhhhh….eeee……
Mark Dice—can’t even believe this one himself. He is getting people to sign a petition for a “male white privilege tax.”
Ha ha ha ha…ha ha! :) Okay. It’s not so funny when you see all the stupid people signing it.
Enjoy…or not. I haven’t decided yet.
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s the afternoon laugh from my liberal atheist friend, who loves off colored jokes about religious people.
Of course, I get a lot of ‘sexual’ jokes, and I find most of them boring…BUT…if they are clever and make me laugh, I try to picture Ronald Reagan telling them to his buds, and if I CAN…I then tell myself, life is too short not to laugh on a Sunday, right?
Almost Did It…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’ Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’ Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’ Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’
Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’