Nobody Get Email
Hey! I posted this HOURS ago, only to find out it disappeared, along with some thoughts I had, on kids and their wonderful saying…Like when my 4 year old asked me if God was Japanese.
But, now I’m playing catch up…it’s time to write tomorrow’s Nobody’s Opinion so…just the joke….enjoy!
(Thanks to JR)
Children Writing About the Ocean…
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 7)
- Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 4)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 8 )
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 8)
- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
- On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn’t smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
Nobody Gets Email
Thank goodness there are people taking care of these wonderful creatures….
And in this world of people madness, there’s always the fun of babies!
(Thanks to my dear friend Mona)
Nobody Gets Email
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
Nobody Gets Email
Now that I’ve just heard, we have Sharia Law in Texas, I thought I’d post this old favorite that has gone around the web with additions each time.
Enjoy! (Thanks again to Kris)
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay,
“The Turban Cowboy,”
and the other, a topless bar, would be called
“You Mecca Me Hot.”
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called
“Iraq of Ribs.”
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called
“Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,”
with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”,
and on the other side a liquor store called
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us. “Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.”
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point… It is either past
your bedtime, or it’s midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
Nobody Gets Email;
(Thanks to Kris)
These books hold the world record for the shortest stories, and you must have a pretty good long term memory and be well informed to fully appreciate the humor.
World’s Shortest Books
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
And the shortest book of them all………………..
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
The BIG unknown question of this historical day was brought up by ‘President’ Obama, who said he did not even watch Netanyahu’s speech to Congress today, and his question was: Well, he didn’t say what he would do about Iran, nothing new here. Where was Netanyahu’s solution?
Evidently, you have to wonder if Obama was reading old Hillary state department emails by mistake, because the REST of us heard the plan: Don’t do this deal with Iran, because you will be giving them the capacity to develop nukes, which put the whole world in danger. AND Israel will protect itself from its own extinction.
While the world stood in awe at finally seeing a real leader come to America to try to educate us as to what was happening, all the time WISHING that we had a President like that, we also watched Nancy Pelosi –who was sitting there listening to Bibi, and she had tears in her eyes.
TEARS. Not of joy like the rest of us upon hearing a man who finally speaks the truth, but she was upset that a Jew could insult her so badly. Her ridiculous and obnoxious behavior alone brought more than tears to the rest of the world knowing how dangerously close we are to repeating history.
Yes, –on the floor of Congress today, Nancy Pelosi, the butcher of our American Healthcare system, was brought to tears by a descendant of Moses.
It was one of the highlights of the day.
Nobody Knows how ridiculous Obama looked today to the rest of the world, but on a scale from 1 to 10, I’d say about 200.
Nobody has known just how much FURTHER the corruption of the Clintons can go….but we found out today that Hillary had no intention whatsoever of getting caught pilfering the American taxpayers and other countries out of money for herself, because she made sure her emails couldn’t be found when she was Secretary of State.
First Clinton rule: Do NOT leave a paper trail, or any other kind of trail.
That’s illegal of course, but remember, Hillary is an old pro at shredding evidence. She’s almost made a career of it. Just ask Vince Foster….wait. We can’t. He’s dead. And Hillary cleaned out his trash can a few minutes after he committed, “suicide.” Nobody Knows WHY she did that, because she never told us.
Will Hillary get prosecuted for breaking the law like General Petraeus did today? After all, all he did was show some stuff to his lover. Hillary on the other hand, was committing high crimes for opening her private emails to hackers…which is how we all found out about it.
Will this scandal stop her from running for President?
Nobody Knows. But if you take a bet, you can bet that it will mean Hillary will just say, “Hey! I turned them all in!” end of story.
And speaking of end of story,
Remember when Obama said, “If you like your doctor, you can KEEP your doctor…PERIOD!”
I believe Susan Rice said something to that order recently about Obama’s relationship with Israel. America will always stand with Israel PERIOD!
Warning: Whenever they end their statements with the word PERIOD—-Then you know, it’s a lie.
And that’s why, Obama will never end this statement with a period:
If you like your nuclear program, you can KEEP your nuclear program. NO PERIOD.
Obama doesn’t have to say that to Iran…it’s all in the power of his little pen and phone.
In the meantime, NOBODY KNOWS how these people came to live in America, but I’d say they are the real reason, Netanyahu is needed now, more than ever. Nobody Knows how they got this stupid, but Nobody can make a bet, they all live in Nancy Pelosi’s district of San Diego!
Enjoy! There will be no periods.
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s one that makes you think, about all the smidgens of scandals that Obama will never admit to:
(Thanks to Kris)
If you want to know Obama’s foreign policy it’s given here by his dweeby…blond liberal who thinks she smart, state department representative.
“We cannot win this war by killing them.”
No, what they want to do is offer them job opportunities. Poverty is the reason that all these young men want to behead people. They just have nothing else to do. So, Obama suggests a war on poverty…not on Islam. We will NEVER be at war with Islam. But poverty— that’s a sure-fire democratic winner for raising money. After all, according to Obama, Islam is peaceful. America can help these poor, misguided jihadists, to trade in their beheading blades for a McDonalds minimum wage. Just give them a chance to get a FREE franchise, paid for by us! After all….Obama has money to blow. He collected more of your tax money last year than EVER collected in history. Obama is a citizen of the world, and these Muslims need our help.
What’s sad about this, is, —–it’s Jeb Bush’s thoughts on illegal immigration.
All those poor illegals need is jobs….and America should make sure they get those jobs.
In the meantime, this just in: Here we see three representatives of the U.S. State Department. Obama does have a REAL plan to deal with the growing forces of ISIS…
And the program, recently added under Homeland Security, is under the code name of: DDH—-
Duck, Dodge, and Hide.
Did you watch the SNL 40th anniversary last night? I must admit, I thought half of it was pretty lame, especially the Californians satire. As a “boomer” of course, I grew up with the Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Bill Murry crowd, whom I prefer. I realize the younger generation has their own sense of humor…which relies on fart and gross jokes and so on, so here’s some of my thoughts on the matter:
As to the best humor of the night: The woman who imitated Beyoncé, Maya Rudolph, cracked me up. Second to that, was Bill Murry singing about Jaws, because it was just so stupid. If you want to see that segment and missed last night, it’s below.
As for music, Sir Paul McCartney’s vocal chords are giving out, as are Paul Simon, but at least they still sing live.
Adam Sandler was just himself. He is so much himself it’s hard to compare him…but I did like his “REUNION!” Jewish shout.
Miley Cyrus was so good singing an old Paul Simon song, one wonders why in the world she went off the deep porn end.
Wayne’s World was a good skit, and they seemed ageless…. and Seinfeld in his own little way, gave Sarah Palin a bit of payback being as many people think Tina Fey did such a great job of making fun of her it affected everyone taking her seriously. Good for Sarah for showing up.
The two moments that were the most annoying is when Chris Rock made the statement that Eddie Murphy single-handedly SAVED SNL. You would have thought Eddie Murphy was Obama, another one of Chris Rock’s favorite Gods. And instead of being brave and doing a skit like Bill Murry, or even Steve Martin, Eddie did nothing.
While Eddie Murphy was great, he was just one of the many. Chris Rock has rocks in his head.
And once again we were all wishing John Belusi was alive and could make fun of Eddie Murphy.
Many conservatives were upset about Jane Curtain making fun of FOX news babes, which is ridiculous. Of COURSE Rupert puts big busted babes on his show. It’s the truth…silly.
Chris Rock rant was WAY over the “Blacks ARE better than white people, and it’s time you all step aside and let us have the floor.” BS that’s becoming popular, you know, with the likes of Kanye West.
And speaking of Kanye West…this rich multimillionaire continues to sing the “I’m black and oppressed blues” because he was lying on the floor. if Kanye thinks life is unfair that Beyonce never gets her big award, WE think its unfair that a no-talented guy like Kanye can become a billionaire, and then get a platform to attack every white person on the planet.
While it was nice to see some old faces, and get a few laughs—-let’s hope they skip the 50th anniversary.
The site of Chevy Chase barely standing, was enough to pull a heart.
I think I might have posted this before, but it’s worth a second fun time.
(I love these guys.)
Don’t you wonder what this actor thinks about all these different versions of himself playing Hitler?
This one is funny too. I can’t get enough of these.
Nobody Gets Email on Valentine’s Day
Yes, Confucius had a lot to say on the matters of the heart, according to this email.
(Thanks to Kris)
It’s OK to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland… a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
We have just found some footage of Brian Williams…yes that’s him…he got hit in the head by a sniper attack, which just grazed his temple, while reporting on a dangerous mission over Russia, and passed out from the blow,—-he nearly died! But the Navy Seals that were jumping into enemy territory, rushed to his rescue…and just in time too.
Wait…it’s not him? ….Oh.
Here’s some good news…these guys are fantastic, and thanks to them, the real guy in this video will live to tell the world that his name is NOT Brian Williams. In fact, Brian was in the car down below, talking to his daughter on the phone, and they weren’t anywhere near Russia.
It’s a good news story, and I promised you one…because it’s Sunday. :)
Nobody tell him.
It’s from a column called “The Rules” and to set up the excerpt, it was about the various rules our leaders in Washington make that baffle us all. He made the point that President Reagan in a direct quote after bombing Khadafy said, “We weren’t out to kill anybody.”
“We have large military airplanes fly over there, and drop bombs all over his immediate vicinity: but we weren’t trying to kill him. You want to know why? I’ll tell you why. The Rules.
That’s right. It runs out that we have this law, signed in 1976 by Gerald Ford, who coincidentally also pardoned Richard M. Nixon, under which it is illegal for our government to assassinate foreign leaders. So we can’t just hire a couple of experienced persons named Vito for 100 grand to sneak over there one night in dark clothing and fill up Moammar’s various breathing apertures with plumbers’ putty. No, that would be breaking a rule. So what we do is spend several hundred million dollars to crank up the entire Sixth Fleet and have planes fly over from as far away as England, not to mention that we lose a couple of airmen, to achieve the purpose of NOT killing Moammar Khadafy. We did kill various other random Libyans, but that is OK under the Rules. Gerald Ford signed nothing to protect them. “
I wonder how Mr. Barry would talk about the fact that we spend TRILLIONS of dollars after being attacked by bin Laden, only to have the next President spend another trillion taking us out, only to decide that we need to spend another trillion to go back, and even after bin Laden is dead? Add to that the fact that we are trillions in debt.
And on top of that, we send men over there and tell them the new rule: Don’t shoot your enemy unless he shoots you first! Ha ha ha.
So, hopefully Mr. Barry will forgive me for posting his copyrighted ‘stuff” and if he gets mad, I’ll just have to bake him another pumpkin pie.