Nobody Gets Email
Here’s some thoughts from the opinions about the sexes from one man’s point of view. I read this to my husband who thought some of them were…stupid. So…there you go.
Enjoy! (I did.)
(Thanks to JR)
Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear “ the rules ” From the female side ….Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!
- Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one
1. You can either ask us to do something…Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cricket.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.
It’s Earth Day, and elites everywhere are concerned that all us nobodies are still polluting the planet, despite their relentless attempts at stopping us…by making sure everyone can afford an abortion that couldn’t before Obamacare.
Right now, Obama is taking about the pythons in the Everglades, but we have more pressing concerns: According to the Globe, Obama is so weak, he is being pushed around in the White House by wheel chair.
Do you skip pass the tabloids headlines at your local supermarket? I do. But yesterday, I just couldn’t help myself…there was a picture that was simply priceless of our President, trying hard to imitate, FDR.
You are not hearing this being reported on any of the news organizations.
According to this article, sources say Obama is trying to hide…throat cancer. Now granted they don’t SAY he has throat cancer, just that he’s a longtime smoker and drinker, and being an “African-American” he is at high risk for it. And he’s depressed.
“I start tearing up in the middle of the day and I can’t explain it.” Obama confesses. “why am I so sad? I need prayer.”
Funny, I find myself tearing up every time I hear you speak on TV, Obama, and I’m AM praying, but so far, nothing is happening to relieve MY depression.
Nobody Wonders why he just doesn’t go to the Mosque in the White House and get to it.
It also says, he’s so weak and so vulnerable to a heart attack, he could die.
What does this have to do with Earth Day you may ask?
Nothing, because Nobody Cares about Earth Day except people who were born to invent schemes to annoy everybody else.
The Globe, on the other hand, is paying attention to the more important issues of the day.
Like…what happens if Joe Biden becomes President? Would Hillary Clinton survive?
Last week, we had two examples of protesters who just refused to be ignored. Their missions were heartfelt, emotional, and like most protests, rather pointless.
First up: Doug Hughes, a mailman from Florida, decided that he wanted to tell the world that the corruption of big money in politics had to stop. So, he did what any normal postman would think of doing…delivering his 535 protest letters to Congress via gyrocopter.
He made it to the West Lawn of the Capitol, then crashed.
You have to ask yourself, why he didn’t just put those letters in the mail himself? Because he was on a mission. So he planned this for two years, even called the FBI and told them what he was planning so they wouldn’t shoot at him, and it worked!
“As I have informed the authorities, I have no violent inclinations or intent,” Hughes wrote on his website, thedemocracyclub.org. “An ultra light aircraft poses no major physical threat – it may present a political threat to graft. I hope so. There’s no need to worry – I’m just delivering the mail.”
Everybody wonders WHY he wasn’t shot down? But why should he be? Most everybody in the country knows that Congress is NEVER at work. And it’s Hillary’s main message: Get the money out of politics…which means the Koch brothers need to be stopped in all future elections—it certainly doesn’t hurt the Clinton message that the people want to get money out of politics so badly, they are willing to sacrifice their own lives to make the plea.
Second: PETA decided to stage a protest of a circus, because the animals are being mistreated according to them…so they showed up at the Ramos Brothers Circus in Southern California, and it didn’t turn out so well—it seems the PETA protesters and the clowns got into a big brawl inside the tent:
Circus workers allegedly tried to stop the activists, who had been picketing outside the property where the family-run show was performing, from forcing their way inside the tent.
Two protesters were arrested following the big top brawl and Ringmaster Oliver Ramos claimed his lip was split after he was hit in the face with his own megaphone.
The ringmaster said it was the activists who were acting like animals.
“These people are just crazy fanatics … it has to stop,” Ramos said. “These people are getting out of hand.”
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Was it Doug the mailman who practiced flying his gyrocopter in order to become the only man in postal history to deliver mail by gyrocopter? Was this a way to get rid of those gas guzzling trucks and make the postal men just fly onto your front lawn? Will he still get his pension?
Or was it the PETA protesters who got so mad and vicious, the clowns had to put them down?
Who wins? NOBODY! Heck, I protest the govenment every single day, along with millions of others who are protesting our govenment every day, and what good does it do?
They just don’t make protests like they used too…the Boston Tea Party. .now THAT was a protest.
If you protest now, they just send in the drones. BUT..if I had to pick a winner it would be….
Sorry, I’m late here this afternoon….I’m having one of those “I‘m have more to do now that I’m retired, busy life” days.
Why not enjoy another one of these fine lessons in Reagan wisdom?
(I love these cartoons.)
Nobody Gets EmailI love some of these, and I am seriously thinking about tattooing number 4 on my right hand.Enjoy!(Thanks to JR)****************************Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings worth remembering:****1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.****
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.****4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.****5. Always drink upstream from the herd.****6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.****7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.*****8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.*****9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.*****10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.*****11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.*****12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about you’re age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Listen to how this guy still talks to his own mother, and he’s 72. And listen to how his mother can’t stop laughing.
Don’t you wonder how old SHE is?
As promised, a day away from the gloom and doom of the world… and simply humor.
Here’s a few jokes out of that poor man’s bathroom entertainment, the Reader’s Digest:
(Thanks to RD)
Mortified doesn’t describe how Jane’s parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, “Dear, he doesn’t seem like a very nice person.”
Four guys are driving cross-country each from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.
“What the heck are you doing.” asks the man from Nebraska.
“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of look at them!”
So the guy from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the windows.
So the Floridian ask, “What are you doing that for?”
“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”
Inspired, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
New arrivals at the Pearly Gates are comparing stories on how they died.
First woman: “I froze to death.”
Second woman: “I had a heart attack. I suspected my husband with cheating, so I came home early to catch him. I found him alone, but I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I ran all over the house looking, from the attic to the basement, in every closet and under every bed. Finally I keeled over, dead.”
First woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer–we’d both still be alive.”
Nobody Gets Email
(Thanks To Kris)
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
This week, we have a Secretary of State, John Kerry, who seems to be on the side of “Allah”, instead of what he should be saying he is on: the Christian, “God.”
Let’s start with John Kerry first.
By all accounts, John Kerry is trying to help Iran, the country that has said “Death to America” so many times, it might as well be a bumper sticker in Tehran. He is desperately trying to give Iran the power to develop enough nuclear bombs to blow us, and just about everybody else off the planet. And so, when he goes around saying things like Iran will get her nuke ….“If Allah Wills it.” you have to wonder why is he doing this to his own country?
John Kerry told reporter Laura Rozen this weekend that a nuclear deal with Iran is possible, “Inshallah.”
And then there’s Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was so furious that her boyfriend ate all the salsa She jabbed a knife into his stomach, AFTER she jabbed a pen into his pelvis.
Clearly, her priorities were not in order here. CLEARLY this woman has issues, beyond her own unfortunate birth.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Is it John Kerry, who wants Iran to get its own nuke so badly, he willing to become a follower of Muhammad? (Like his boss?)
Or is it Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was not about to let her man steal her salsa ever again?
John Kerry Wins!
When you can’t see that given Iran the ability to nuke Israel off the map, after all they have done to our boys overseas, then, you truly are less than perfect, in fact…we won’t say what you are here.
I do have my reputation to consider. (What reputation, Joyanna, you might ask?)
Congratulations John Kerry! You just won the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the century if your deal goes through.
As for Ms Phyllis. I suggest she just stock up on salsa and some meds.
And…stay single. Hopefully Michelle has taken all the salsa out of the lunch room prisons. Or…maybe not.
Nobody Gets Email
____and I’m glad I got this one!
Tom Hanks…who doesn’t like Tom Hanks?
(Thanks to Kim Komando)
Nobody Gets Email
(Thanks to Kris)
Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. If a Liberal is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. A Liberal demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A Liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.
Well, I forwarded it..
Nobody Get Email
Hey! I posted this HOURS ago, only to find out it disappeared, along with some thoughts I had, on kids and their wonderful saying…Like when my 4 year old asked me if God was Japanese.
But, now I’m playing catch up…it’s time to write tomorrow’s Nobody’s Opinion so…just the joke….enjoy!
(Thanks to JR)
Children Writing About the Ocean…
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 7)
- Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 4)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 8 )
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 8)
- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
- On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn’t smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
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Thank goodness there are people taking care of these wonderful creatures….
And in this world of people madness, there’s always the fun of babies!
(Thanks to my dear friend Mona)
Nobody Gets Email
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?