Nobody Gets Email
You either think this is funny, or cruel. My husband thinks its cruel, I thought it was funny.
Showing that not all stereotypes of the sexes work in every single case.
Enjoy! Or not.
(Thanks to JR)
Nobody Gets Email
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s an oldie but goodie video out of my email bag…just so that we don’t forget Eric Holder and all his crimes.
(Thanks to Eric Crowder)
Nobody Gets Email:
It’s Saturday! Let’s get right to the good stuff:
(Thanks to Kris)
Marked dollar bill You don’t think we’re in a war?
A lady in Monte Vista, CO had this dollar bill. This is her story. After dinner she took a $1 dollar bill out of her purse and displayed it on the table. Underneath the words “In God We Trust” someone had stamped the dollar bill in red ink— NO GOD BUT ALLAH. We asked her where she got this dollar bill. She said it was part of her change in Alamosa , CO .
We took this picture of her dollar bill. These are beginning to show up all around our country! If anyone tries to give you one of these dollar bills as change, please refuse it and ask them to give you a dollar bill that has not been defaced.
Send this on to everyone you can. May God bless our USA — And quickly, before what we know and love is forever gone!
This week, we don’t have to go any further than that great melting pot of talent called New York.
We have a Nobody’s Perfect contest between the people who dress up as Cartoon Characters in Times Square, VS the newly crowned Miss America, who, you guessed it— is from New York!
This is going to be a tough one.
First: Let’s take the dweebs that harass tourists in Times Square. It seems there are ways to make a living, and there are ways to…make a living and not pay taxes. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Times Square, but since Rudy Giuliani cleaned up the “LIVE SEX ON STAGE!” acts, ALL the men from Wall Street have gone mad…wait….no…. the corporates have moved in and made it a very family friendly experience— you know, a place you can take the kids and watch Batman and Spiderman duke it out…for REAL. Several weeks ago, Spiderman hit a cop, and yes, Batman and Spiderman were arrested for fighting.
Cookie Monster has been known to grab at other things besides cookies.
Since I can’t figure out why Marvel doesn’t sue these people for using their trademarked and copyrighted images, it seems the city of New York has let this go on. But, too many people are showing up dressed as Cartoon Character (70?) and that means too many guys bantering for the same $5.00.
Second: And then you have Miss America…
Kira Kazantsev, the contestant from New York, won the Miss America contest last night, and everybody today is having trouble understanding why. In the talent contest she decided to sit on the floor and play…not four, not fifteen, not twenty, but ONE plastic cup. And that was even hard for her.
I couldn’t figure this out. She had a decent voice, WHY distract from it? You can’t imagine the horror of all New Yorkers…a place that has been known to produce some of the finest talent in the world. And this insult after the fantastic funeral from a REAL New Yorker…Joan Rivers.
I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t make me want to visit Broadway any time soon.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Frankly, I didn’t watch the Miss America contest, so I’m going by the video here. I’m guessing she looked pretty good in her swimsuit, or somebody donated a LOT of money to the right judge. While the rest of America wonders what in the world this girl did in college to learn how to play cups besides drink shots of vodka, we can only wonder why she didn’t just sing the song standing on her feet. Still, there have been worse acts to come out of New York…Hillary Clinton for one.
Shame on them. I’m almost tempted to get a plane to New York, dress up as Wonder Woman, and throw them both out of Times Square!
(Ha! Ha!) Sure. Maybe I’ll just follow them around and beat loudly on a plastic cup, while singing “I’m Henry the VII I am!” and drive them crazy enough that they quit and get a minimum wage job like the rest of us.
So, it’s official—- the Mayor of New York wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week.
Be the draconian progressive that you are Mayor De Blasio, and make these people pay taxes like the rest of us, or let Marvel take them to court.
Didn’t you learn ANYTHING in Russia?
Al Gore said that by now, the Antarctic would have completely melted, and Florida, along with the lost chads of Al Gore, would be sunk in a sea of rising (and no doubt very cold) arctic water.
BUT…that hasn’t happened, instead it’s actually gaining ice!
The amount of Antarctic sea ice is at record levels this year, but scientists insists that doesn’t disprove global warming. Satellite images show that almost 12.5 million square miles of sea ice surrounds the continent. That’s the largest amount since records have been kept in the early 1970s. “That is roughly double the size of the Antarctic continent and about three times the size of Australia,” Jan Lieser of the Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Cooperative Research Centre told ABC. The discovery was made late last week.
But, never fear, the global warming believers have found a global warming answer for that:
They say the sea ice is actually growing around Antarctica because stronger winds, caused by global warming, are facilitating the process by which sea ice is made. The ice is made in “sea ice factories” called polynias.
Yes. I would like to visit these sea ice factories, wouldn’t you? I have no doubt they are being run by the evil Koch brothers who are changing under-minimum wages to Salvadorians to produce this ice that is destroying the democratic dreams of domination.
We can only hope and pray global warming scientists don’t read any Michael Crichton books, because they might get the idea to actually set blasts of dynamite in that manufactured ice, and set a chunk of ice bigger than Australia out to crash into that lovely country.
I told you that this kid would be a big star.
Here’s his first commercial.
(Let’s hope he stays off drugs.)
Nobody Gets Email—
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein
(And to Joan from me: Of course you shouldn’t have called Michelle a Tramy…remember what happened in 1942? —-What? )
And so, Enjoy a few more Jewish Jokes and have a toast the next time you’re out telling jokes–to a very funny lady. We are going to MISS her.
(Thanks to Kris)
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
All day long I was going to write about Hillary Clinton claiming that “climate change” is the most pressing issue on HER mind as well as the planet. Nothing is more important than millions of liberals being able to FORCE the world to leave all the steaks and filets for the rich elites!
But I got bored.
So, since this is the hottest video on Youtube right now, I posted it so that my Mensa friends can see, and rejoice, that they lost the revolution! And for good reason.
Actually, the music is pretty good.
Nobody Get Email
(Thanks to Kris)
The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
I have wondered, and it is beyond my comprehension, that certain groups of people stay mad and angry at things that happened, not only long ago, but so long ago, it seems pointless to muse, get yourself emotionally upset and bent out of shape for something that’s already happened.
Also, these people continue to want “payback’ for something that nobody in this lifetime even cares anymore about.
IF—- our founders had outlawed slavery, would our world be any different today? Maybe, but no doubt there would be other problems instead. One thing for sure, more blacks would know how to swim.
IF— Britain had won the war of 1812, would the United States be better led by the Queen? She’d be more likable, but then again, England would be Germany. And airplanes might never have been invented. OR light bulbs. OR computers…but tea at three? We’d all have better manners.
Having pondered this: I have to give a good laugh at the British diplomats in Washington, who celebrated the burning of the White House with typical good humor…
British diplomats in Washington are apologizing for Twitter posts that made light of the 200th anniversary of their troops torching the White House in the War of 1812.
The apologies were prompted after the British Embassy posted a picture Sunday of Patrick Davis, deputy British ambassador to the United States, with a caption saying he was participating in “the anniversary of burning of the White House with a BBQ.”
This week, we have the subject of two separations: Rupert Murdoch VS Burger King.
Hey! I didn’t even know (or care) about Rupert Murdoch’s love life, but there it was in Vanity Fair: Rupert’s young Chinese wife of 14 years, Wendi, had been having sexual affairs with other men—- and not just any men. Tony Blair, Google’s Eric Schmidt, and co-founder of MySpace, Chris DeWolfe. (How she missed Bill Clinton is anybody’s guess.)
Get the feeling she likes to feel connected?
Really, what’s a billionaire mogul to do? His mother tried to warn him to stay with his last wife, who wanted him to retire, but Wendi saw her way to riches, and Rupert saw his way INTO China, and with the help of science, he was off to another marriage…his third.
It’s not the shock that a young women took advantage of an older man’s riches, it’s that she had to bed the one man Rupert had put into power, Mr. Blair, and she did it in their own house…and yacht…and who knows where else? Probably even in the Tower of London!
Rupert had raised LOADS of money for Tony, who really doesn’t need more either. But in the hall of fame gold-diggers, Wendi choose carefully: ALL these men …were powerful, rich, and mostly married.
And then we have the divorce of Burger King and its money, from Obama. Yes, Burger King is taking its big Whoppers and moving its headquarters to Canada where it will pay less taxes.
Obama has called this exodus of major American companies to other countries…unpatriotic!
After all…Walgreens wanted to move, and stopped cold after hearing those words, so, should we all be mad that Burger King is NOT going to pay its fair share, and you and I will have to fork out even more? Is it really their fault?
Who wins the Nobody’s Perfect award for the week? (No, it’s not Al Sharpton, I’m sick to death of him.)
Is it Rupert Murdoch, who failed to see that he was marrying a gold-digger? Rumors are he lost over $1.7 billion. Wendi got him into buying MySpace, which he paid $545 million and sold for $35 million. Uh….not exactly what you would expect a smart man to do.
And even though she signed a pre-nup, she got the Rockefeller triplex on Fifth Avenue ($70 million), the house in Beijing ($40 million), $14 million for each year she was married, jewelry and half of their art collection.
Or does the trophy go to Burger King, who just couldn’t stand to keep paying Obama’s high taxes?
It’s obvious isn’t it?
What a man will do for a pretty face, and a busty oriental beauty.
We really can’t blame Burger King for wanting to desert America. That fault goes to our past Presidents (of BOTH parties) who threw America out the window with the bath water when they dreamed up globalization.
Burger King doesn’t need us anymore…it’s in every country in the world now, and its the American people who continue to lose.
As for the REAL loser of the week…Al Sharpton……go ahead……fill in the blank………………………………………
Nobody Gets Email
Boy! Am I glad it’s the weekend! I’m also glad some of my email friends know what makes me laugh.
(Thanks to J.R.)
Just a short report on my visit to the Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, IL.
The local maps…are a joke. They have all the sights and only a few main streets, and we got lost about 40 times. Ask directions.
We kept hearing that Lincoln was a poor man: Nevertheless, he managed to own a house which by all accounts, would be considered upper middle class in 2014.
It contains the ugliest wall paper this side of the Atlantic.
Lincoln was the best dad a kid could have, the kids could play baseball in the living room.
He liked to torture himself. For instance, this was the desk in his bedroom. My only conclusion is he took off his legs to sit down.
WHY the local citizens decided to build the rest of his neighborhood is beyond all reason. Go to Main Street in Disneyland, it’s much more entertaining.
Not even George Washington has had more books written about him.
Do NOT…I repeat, DO NOT, wear any symbol of the American flag on your person or you will be followed around the city by big, burly, men packing weapons and looking mean.
The Capitol building where the representatives of Illinois come together has more marble than probably the Vatican. Of course, nobody was there, leaving the billions of dollars worth of marble, looking very lonely.
The Governor’s mansion has lots of democratic parties. (For the looters in Ferguson) let me inform you that the chandeliers alone are worth, about as much as the Mona Liza. They will also tell you that this mansion is the biggest in the nation. right. sure.
The best part of the visit was the museum itself. Disney helped and so, you could see Mary’s various dresses, and a room of political cartoons that made you sick because they made it into a fun house, and five politicians in 3D holograms yelling at you about how Lincoln was a black lover, or put it more succinctly, it was like having Al Sharpton and Harry Reid on each side of your head, yelling at you in Chinese. VERY effective to make you want to GET OUT of the museum.
We didn’t go see Spielberg’s props, as they wanted more money.
In the Library, they have given a cast of Lincoln’s hand to a few very famous people: Bill Clinton, Steven Spielberg, and The Pope. By the way….Lincoln had VERY tiny hands. Big feet, and evidently, a blond girlfriend.
At the end of the day, because it was rush hour, we finally made it to his tomb, which is HUGE! But, don’t make the mistake that it’s just a grave. You can go into it, and walk for what seems miles, into an endless underground maze of….MORE marble, and then you come upon his big marble coffin. His family is on the other side.
So, what did I learn? If our government spent even a ‘smidgen’ of the taxpayer’s money they put into building themselves monuments and Presidential libraries, and instead, spend it on the people, we would not own China one penny.
Italy is going to sink from lack of marble.
Besides all of that, I had a great day!
PS. My husband would like to add: “What was a Muslim, doing at the tomb?”
Answer: Looking for her emancipator.