Nobody Would Touch Powdered Long Pig

I was reading an excerpt last week, from a guy who was at Jamestown, Virginia, during the starving time of 1609, and it got me to thinking about…food. Those first adventures to the “New World” were not exactly easy..in fact, due to poor management and planning, everybody started to starve…and this guy wrote about it:

As for our hogs, hens, goats, sheep, horses, or what lived, our commanders, officers, and savages daily consumed them: some small proportions sometimes we tasted until all was devoured. Then swords, arms, pieces, or anything we traded with the savages, whose cruel fingers were so oft imbrued in our blood that what by their cruelty, our governors indiscretion and the loss of our ships, of 500 within six months after Captain Smith’s departure there remained not past 60 men women and children. And those were preserved for the most part by torts, herbs, acorns walnuts, berries, now and then a little fish. Nay so great was our famine that a savage we slew and buried the poorer sort took him up again and ate him : and so did diverse one another boiled and stews with roots and herbs. And one among the rest did kill his wife, powdered (salted) her, and had eaten part of her before it was known for which he was executed as he will deserved. Now whether she was better roasted boiled or carbonadoed broiled, I know not. but of such a dish a powdered wife I never heard. (rim shot)

 Nobody Knows if that last line was a joke, or if the guy was serious.

So, here’s the question: if you were starving would you put salt on your wife or husband and eat them? Wouldn’t it be easier to eat someone you’d never met? OF COURSE! It’s okay to eat your enemies, but not your wife.

(insert your joke here…………………………………………………….)

Did anybody bother to ask Jeffery Dahlmer what part of the human being tasted the best and what herbs he used? Was a toe, better tasting than an ear?

Remember in the movie “Alive” about the survivors of Flight 571 where the rugby team broke down and ate…butt?

Aren’t you glad that you’re biggest problem of your day today, was whether to turn your air conditioner down one more notch?

Nobody it seems, but me, thought that cannibalism was a very rare human event, and had only happened a very few times in history. Well, if you think that…THINK AGAIN!

According to Wikipedia, (and do we believe them?) many poor souls have been somebody else’s prime rib for most of our history. Thousands (nay, millions) have gone into some guy’s barbeque pit for stew a la Joe.
The Korowai still eat human flesh as a “cultural” practice.

If it’s “cultural” does that make it okay? That means it would be permitted in San Francisco.

Cannibalism has been documented from Fiji, (better known as the Cannibal Isles) to the Amazon Basin, to the Congo, to New Zealand, and to the Marquesas Island of Polynesia, where the delicacy of human was called LONG PIG.

Does this mean that humans taste like very long Bacon noodles?

In America, the Mohawk, the Attacapa, the Tonkawa, and other Texas tribes were known to their neighbors as “man eaters.” ( Not to be confused with Hall and Oates.)

Is that why George W. Bush won the Florida Recount?

During the Crusades, the victorious army would have human thighs after a hard day of killing.

Reports of cannibalism were also recorded during the First Crusade, as Crusaders fed on the bodies of their dead opponents following the Siege of Ma’ arrat al-Numan. There were also further cannibalism incidents on the march to Jerusalem and efforts made to delete mention of these from western history.

Did you know that? No wonder they took victory so much more seriously back then, if you lost…you would be roasted slowly over a fire with sweet onions, while having to listen to a bunch of guy tell dirty jokes and sing “Nearer My God to Thee” off key.

So, now you know. Men have been literally eating each other since the beginning. Nobody thinks that now we need to pay attention to the main menu where jihadists have listed : American Pie as the first entre.

Should we eat our enemies like in the old days? Would you really want to suck on the fingers of bin Laden?

Me neither…I’ll…stick with McDonalds.

But, back to the question. What would you do?

Nobody likes to think I would just eat…dirt. I tried it as a kid, and as I remember…it’s not all bad. You don’t even need salt.

July 21, 2011 - Posted by Joyanna Adams | History | History