Joyanna Adams

To BE..or NOT to Be.

Nobody Knows
This might seem like a ramble, but you know me. I made myself go swimming today, join the local “swim hour” with the elder ladies of the city. I had not been there in ages, and one lady, Petra, from Germany, was not there. Every summer she would go back to Germany and spend about a month with her cousin, who was rich. Her husband never went with her. I found out today, he shot himself in the head.

Committed suicide.

He was a very nice man, in great health, and they had been married for over 45 years. And Petra never said a word against him, but he did NOT want children. So they were childless. They would have been great parents, BUT he insisted. I know it broke her heart. It was a sadness hard to hear about, because I wondered if Petra would move back to Germany. Nobody said much more about it.

Another lady in the pool talked about how her son, all of 16, had done the same thing. Shot himself in the head. This was years ago, and he was her only child. After that happened, she went into a hospital for a year…but I could tell she had accepted it.

“There is something wrong with the chemicals of the brains.” she said. “Back then, there was no medication to help him. He was bi-polar.”

Another woman who I knew suffered from depressions started talking. SHE just wrote her biography…gave us all her book. She only had about 10 copies. But…it was her therapy…she sold her mother’s jewrely to get the money to publish it herself. She found a way to cope with sex. She used sex outside of her marriage, her husband knew about it, but still supported her. She can’t drive anymore.

I then admitted that I had suffered from depressions ALL my life. Eager to share my vast knowledge on the subject. I don’t think there is a book I haven’t read on it. Every few days before my period I would go into the darkest hours of mental suffering. There was NO reason for me to feel depressed at all. No doctor helped me. One even wanted to give me a lobotomy. I tried all the usual meds, but they just numb your brain. It was hormonal, but no gyn’s helped. I was alone. After YEARS of my own research trying to help myself, through books, vitamins, etc…nothing seem to matter. I was a “sensitive”. I decided that I was an overthinker. Other factors came into it of course, early childhood trama, but still I kept at it.

I searched my whole god damn life for the answer. Why? There was NO explanation for it whatsoever.

I once told a doctor how PROUD I was to be able to say, that as dark as my mind got, I never once turned to drugs or alchohol, or ‘sex’…no..I just read books, hugged trees, cried a lot, and figured out how to manage it. Yes, I had been through the darkest nights and came back every single time.

I was a warrior who won every single battle. Every one. Throughout a lifttime? There is no batter in the history of major leagues that can match that record.

Anyone who has suffered from severe depression cannot explain how you SO want to escape from your own mind. Your thoughts are unbearable. I remember reading a very famous author who said he tried to kill himself with putting gas into his car, and couldn’t even get that right. Then it dawned on him: He didn’t want less life, …he wanted MORE. I do believe he hit on it.

MEN? they use guns mostly. Women? Pills. We don’t want to mess up the sheets.

But what really saved me was the love of my son, he needed me. I would never do that to him, ever. So every month, I would bear the three days of madness. I had PPPMMMSSSPPPMMMSSS no kidding.

You don’t want to know the details. Your chest wants to explode. You want to put your mind in a vice, and squeeze the thoughts out.

So, I worked out a system. When I got bad, I floated outside my OWN mind, told myself that “Honey you are insane right now, out of you ever loving rational mind, and go to sleep.”

It worked. I cry, put on a sad song, then go to sleep. When I wake up I go, “Hey I woke up!” I know…everyone has to find their own answers. I MADE myself take these steps now, because for me, they work.

When menopause came, it was like a brand new day! OMG…I was free at last! Until just recently…

But, I know now, when the darkness comes, as the poem goes, the branch will not break. All this “Love yourself” stuff, it’s easy for people who have never been that low. Sure, I’ll just love myself for the next three days…want to take over my brain?

Most people list you as MENTAL. You are not perfect, you’re to be shunned. They don’t get it. It’s like trying to explain childbirth to a man, they can’t comprehend it. (LOL) it is true that men and women have different hormones and different brains. But they don’t want you to know that fact, or accept it. And that my friend, is one of the reasons we have so much BS about men and women being the same, the WOKE crap…it’s a disease of ignorance they use to control us.

It’s an abomination that this has perminated throughout society. Women want to nest, men build. Explore, and bond mostly with other men. Yes, evolution steps in, and sorry, it’s still around.

As I read through my ancestors books, I started to actually forgive myself for my mental state. John Adams AND John Quincy Adams, were brilliant minds. JQA had the highest I.Q. of any President then or now. If you read their dairies…OMG…they couldn’t STOP beating themselves up. In fact, I came up with the very same words they came up with. That shocked me. That’s pretty funny. THAT’s DNA.

BUT..their kids? Killed themselves. Four of them. In different ways, but yeah. Many factors go into this but my theory is that if you are smart, your mind, mixed with childhood trama, and certain hormonal DNA from your ancestors, it can be a big burden.

It was for me. And it causes much pain for those who love you because the ONLY thing you can do as a spouse is hold them, be silent, and realize, that it will pass. It WILL pass. Tell them WHY they are not thinking straight…most will listen, just because deep inside, nobody wants to die. Not really.

I will say, in my lifetime, one of the things I am most proudest of is beating my own mental darkness by myself…every single time. I conquered it. There are NO marks on my wrists. No hospital stays. Although, a few years ago, I got drunk and walked the streets at night, fell down…yeah, that was “WTF are you doing! Stop it.” I haven’t done that again.

You are not suppose to admit flaws, but it took a very very brave heart and a will to live…for me? It was my trees. I talk to my trees. Dogs are a big help. Or a bird. But love? It’s not always around. Most people could care less, and MOST people do not understand it. They can’t. Even the doctors…clueless.

Nope, most of the time, in fact all the time, mostly I was alone. Always alone. I’m an EXPERT on this.

I once watched Jordan Peterson cry big tears on TV once. And I KNEW he had experience the monster of mental breakdowns. He has a very high I.Q. too. And that’s why he is so good at what he does.

People with high I.Q.s are more sensitive than other people. So when you wonder why everybody can go around happy? Nothing ever gets to them?

Well…they don’t think about much do they? They see the news and go. “Oh…what? Okay, let’s watch football!” Yeah, I envy them. Politics IS depressing and I am intrenched in it every day.

Anyway..for that reason alone, even though I suffered myself with my own insanity all my life, I still knew that to leave this life, was insanity. Lincoln, Churchill, Van Gogh, there are many a genuis that have suffered from deep depressions. Deep thinkers have a very hard time. So…

Next time you feel low? Think of who would miss you.

Even if no one would and you are all alone…pray to God. Yes, he usually comes through.Yes, he does. He always did for me. I was down yesterday, went swimming for the first time in years, and the sky, the water…you have to find out what make you feel alive. Below is a list of current famous people who suffer from depression:

https://www.everydayhealth.com/pictures/celebrities-who-have-experienced-depression/

Okay, I was going to write about video games, but next blog.

I’m sorry I was not there to comfort Petra. Nobody should have to go through that alone.

And our soldiers? They are dying everyday from suicide, which means any Presidents who send men to war should not be President. Unless our homeland is attacked. There is a time for war…but Ukraine?

That’s not a war, that’s a money landering/global project. Trump did NOT end it, nor will he. But war? I fear, it’s coming. Will we Americans be ready for it, after years of being abused by our own govenment, who divided us in different camps so THEY could stay in power? Can we unite?

The America Party is a start. Don’t listen to Trump. He’s left us already.

So, that’s my rant…I might even go swimming again tomorrow. And thank God, the bird on the branch did not break. I still want to see the Milky Way. It really comes down to…HOPE. Hope that you live one more day, because the next? You don’t want to miss.

July 16, 2025 - Posted by Joyanna Adams | Uncategorized