Joyanna Adams

Dreams…What are The Good For?

Nobody Knows

Dreams. REAL dreams. Most of us have them. Men’s are usually sexual..or about war. And sometimes I’ve read inventors can go to sleep with a problem and solve it in a dream. Must be nice.

It’s funny, this past year I have been reviewing my life, what I did wrong, what I did right…sort of the poor man’s confession to nobody. And I have given a lot of thought as to WHY I ended up the way I am. Clearly, self examination has been at times, added to my various late night crying sessions…but then I do remember two of the dreams that in my lifetime I could NOT forget…and why do they stick out?

In all of my usual dreams, which are ALWAYS in color, it’s usually about some fear, some worry, whether from the past..or in the present…and sometime I can solve them when I wake up. Like, not remembering my locker number in high school. Or I am performing in front of about 300 people in some night club, and my P.A. system goes out. Actaully that has happened before to me, and when you are a singer, and your mike goes out, people get very impatient, especailly if they are drunk, which they usually are.

When I was younger, it was ALWAYS tornadoes. Sometimes 13 coming at me at once. Now, when we have the real threats all the time, I don’t dream about them anymore.

But there are two dreams in my life that I can’t forget. The first one, was I went out to look at the stars…I’m always hoping to see the stars, but only manage about 4 at the most. Anyway, in my dream I look up, and see the whole city of Manhatten…circling the earth. All lit up, and moving slowly from horizen to horizen, under the moon. I knew there were people living there, and it was dug up, and put in the sky, by brillant minds…to…save the whales. In the deep hole where Manhatten used to exist, were hundreds of whales who now had a home. Pretty cool. I know. I had this YEARS and YEARS ago. Right now, some of our most brilliant scientists are trying to figure out how to put people in cities that circle around various planets getting there with the energy from a worm hole. But, let’s make it to Mars first shall we?

And then, the one dream I will NEVER forget…it happened on New Year’s Eve, 2002. My mother had died in 2001, and by her own insistence, she donated her body to Washington University. I was NOT thinking of my mother that night. She died on December 22, 2001. BUT…in my dream, I was in a very dark room, a basement room where they put bodies into an incinerator. At the time, I actually didn’t even think about what they did to my mother’s body. But it seems they use it for schools, teaching dental students, I don’t know, they don’t tell you, but it was clear to me, my mother was going to be made to ashes that night.

My brother was standing on the sidelines…but she didn’t go to him, she came to me… with the sweetest smile on her face, the smile I never saw. She came to me, short as she was, and hugged me with the most incredible feeling of love that I have never even dreamed existed on this planet. That hug went through my very soul. She never hugged me in real life, and I never saw her cry. But I remember not only being overwhelmed with love that would fill the universe, but shocked! That hug, was like she melted into my very body: it went through every pore of my body and was like nothing I had ever felt in my life or since. My brother, who was standing near the incinerator, she did not hug at all, and then they pushed the casket into the burning dark fire.

Now, when I woke up, a million thoughts were going through my head. My first thought was “Mom is being cremated RIGHT NOW, and trying to give you the love that she NEVER gave you in real life…to show you that she did love you with more than Jesus love could give any child.” I thought she visited me in my dream to say a final goodbye.

My second thought: “Wow, did I just dream this to make myself feel better?” Because that was the thing I wanted out of my mother more than anything? Just sheer love from a hug. She never hugged. She just didn’t.

Or…was this God giving me what I needed the most, and giving it to me in a dream?

I don’t know. All I know is the love from that dream has never left me. I can KNOW and review my life, intellectually disect how I grew up wanting love so badly, to the point of self depredation, I would love unconditionally..most everyone. But my mother not really being a hugger?I must not have been worthy of it, I felt. Funny, how you try to rationalize the past. But as an adult, I knew, that was just her. She showed me love in ways that she could…when I was older. She really tried to.

Live for the future you hear…but you have to figure out WHY you want love so badly you blame yourself every time when you are rejected. I do this. It’s a horrible way to live, and I must stop it. Even at my age.

It’s a fact, that if a mother monkey does not bond with their baby, that baby will never develop trust. Sometime they grow up to be monsters, serial killers or politicians. In my case? I think God saved me from that…I really do.

Yesterday I came upon this little video. When a child does not have a mother, she searches for love. Robert Green I think hits it. Marilyn Monroe had giving love down to an art form. He once said she could go to a bar and nobody recognized her.

A doctor once told my mother I would grow up to have a lot of sex looking for love with many men. I was five…it was such a stupid lie. But…what I am trying to say, is that in that dream, my mother loved me.

And I really don’t care where it came from: It was…god sent. Hopefully, you have those dreams too, AND lots of real life hugs to go with it, because really, we ALL need, everyone of us…is love.

July 24, 2025 - Posted by Joyanna Adams | Uncategorized