Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Unicorns LOVE Virgins–and Other Fairy Tales

Nobody Knows

 

Have you seen the Progressive car insurance commercial where the bimbo Progressive Lady says that when she thinks of togetherness (like auto and house insurance) she thinks of glitter and unicorns?

I know…I’m glad she’s not my neighbor.
 
But, that got me to thinking…just about EVERYONE in the world thinks that unicorns never existed. Never..just a fairy tale princess item made up to make millions of little toys for little girls to fantasize about having her own pony.
 
Okay, bear with me because I never had a thing for unicorns..but the other day, I read this account, written by a man named John Sparke, in 1565:

“The Floridians have pieces of unicorns’ horns, which they wear about their necks, whereof the Frenchmen obtained many pieces. Of those unicorns they have many, for that they do affirm it to be a beast with one horn, which coming to the river to drink, puts the same into the water before she drinks.”

Yeah…guess what? Years ago…everyone talked about unicorns as if they were just another fish in the sea, turtle on the log, bar-bee on the skillet. Who knew?
 
John goes on to describe the rest of the animals of Florida in great detail, all of whom still exist today, and lumped the unicorn right in there with the dolphins and flamingos. It was obvious that John Sparke did not SEE the unicorns, but believed they existed because the natives and the French guys had the horns around their necks.
 
This was before men could buy Mercedes Benzes.
 
And he wasn’t alone.. Unicorns are in many accounts of Greek historians. Ctesias described then as wild asses, “fleet of foot, having a horn a cubit and a half in length and colored white, red, and black. Aristotle mentioned two one-horned animals, the Oryx and the “Indian ass.” Strabo says there were one-horned horses with stag-like heads. Pliny the Elder describes what seems to be a rhinoceros: “a very fierce animal called the monoceros which has the head of the stag, the feet of the elephant, and the tail of a boar, while the rest of the body is like that of a horse: it makes a deep lowing noise, and has a single black horn, which projects from the middle of its forehead, two cubits in length.”
 
The bible mentions them quite a few times…for example: “God brought them out of Egypt: he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.”
 
Marco Polo described them as scarcely smaller than elephants.

“They have the hair of a buffalo and feet like an elephant’s. They have a single large black horn in the middle of the forehead, and they have the head like a wild boar’s. They spend their time by preference wallowing in mud and slime. They are very ugly brutes to look at. They are not at all such as we describe them when we relate that they let themselves be captured by virgins, but clean contrary to our notions.

Good old Marco Polo. No wonder they named a swimming game after him.
 
Yeah…I love history. Especially this part: Unicorns, according to all those who knew one, could be captured by a virgin. (Okay, when I was a virgin, I couldn’t capture a damn thing..what gives here?)
 
Leonardo Da Vinci wrote:

“The unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it.”

Good old Leonardo. Not quite up to Marco’s observations..but definitely more entertaining.
 
There’s a moral in there somewhere. Mean and horny beasts, who cannot control themselves, become kittens in the laps of virgins. We need to find some virgins fast and send them to the Capitol….
 
Or else America will become the next fairy tale.
 
So, was there ever such a creature as a unicorn?
 
John Sparke says yes. and nobody argues with history, or virgins.

May 18, 2011 - Posted by | History |

9 Comments »

  1. […] Unicorns LOVE Virgins–and Other Fairy Tales « Joyanna Adams Unicorns LOVE Virgins–and Other Fairy Tales May 18, Written by joyannaadams. 7 Comments. Nobody Knows. Have you seen the Progressive car insurance commercial where the bimbo Progressive Lady says that when she thinks of […]

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  2. […] Unicorns LOVE Virgins–and Other Fairy Tales « Joyanna Adams But, that got me to thinking…just about EVERYONE in the world thinks that unicorns never existed. Never. just a fairy tale princess item made up to make millions of little toys for little girls to fantasize about having […]

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  3. […] Unicorns LOVE Virgins–and Other Fairy Tales « Joyanna Adams […]

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  4. I am sure Naples misses you too Joyanna.

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    Amfortas's avatar Comment by Amfortas | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  5. Okay…I’m confused. Do Platypus’ run wild in Florida?
    Or Unicorns?
    Or virgins?

    If that’s the case, I imagine amfortas might just have to come and visit!

    Hey, I’m from Florida! I miss it!

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    Joyanna Adams's avatar Comment by joyannaadams | May 18, 2011 | Reply

    • I believe the actvie antecedent is Unicorns. Unicorns run wild…

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      Dandapani's avatar Comment by Dandapani | May 21, 2011 | Reply

  6. Down here in FL, they run wild. Their only natural predator is the Skunk Ape, aka Big Foot.

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    Dandapani's avatar Comment by Dandapani | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  7. perfect work you have done, this site is precisely cool with superb info. I suggest you put this content to reddit, and then more and more people might entry your posts. Thank You

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    Ka Okrent's avatar Comment by Ka Okrent | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  8. I have some respec’ for Leonardo de V, mainly for his ability to tell tall tales to his employers for an even taller fee. But despite his great knowledge of the biological world (largely gained, I am told, through his frequent meetings with Dr Who), I won’t buy into his Unicorn ideas.

    I have never seen one. Indeed, I do not know of any virgins over 12 years old either so I doubt you will have any luck finding some in Missouri. Unicorns, that is.

    Here in Oz we have the Platypus. This is a strange little creature which even Leo would find difficulty convincing his gullible Masters of. Indeed, I dare say that most American people would think I was pulling their leg if I described it.

    It is marsupial for a start, lives most of it’s life underwater, has fur, a duck-bill, webbed feet and a tail like a beaver.

    It has something, roughly, in common with the Unicorn, however. The U has a single horn on its head, no doubt as an offensive weapon, and the P has a single poisonous ‘spur’ on one leg. I have no idea what Playpussies do when confronted by virgins as we, as I said, have very few here to observe.

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    Amfortas's avatar Comment by Amfortas | May 18, 2011 | Reply


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