Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Abalone Anyone?

Nobody Cares that there are things on my bucket list that, unless by some great fortune of luck, I win the Mega millions on some stormy future night…there are two things that I will never do:
1. Be able to tell you what abalone taste like.
 
2. Be able to buy my best friend a dog just like this one. She took one look, and it was love. And she has expensive taste because he is the most expensive dog in the world at $1.6 million dollars. (Her taste in shoes is much more reasonable.)
 
And let’s just say, that winning the lottery would not be enough. Even if I COULD afford a mutt this adorable, you would have to become a billionaire just to feed him, because he eats…abalone, which is $70 a pound. Big Splash here weighs 180 pounds…over a lifetime, he could eat his cost in abalone easily. And let’s not forget the security system on your house, and the body guard you would need to walk him…it could add up.
 
These dogs like to watch TV..so you would have to get big screens, probably their own room…okay…you get the picture.
 
My friend Pattie is the one who got me into this mess. You see, I found out what a good cook she was, and so I started looking up things she had never cooked before, and came across Abalone in a book. I was trying to impress her…”So, I bet you’ve never cooked Abalone!”
 
 “NO..what’s that?”
 
So, we went searching for it, and when we couldn’t find it at the local stores, we said, “Well, we’ll go to where the RICH people shop!” And they didn’t even know what it was. Let’s just say, abalone is not something you will find in the middle of the United States, without knowing someone who knows Donald Trump.
 
But, somewhere in China, Big Splash, the most famous dog in world, is dining on abalone tonight. I’m going to have to say…I bet it takes just like dog food.
 
There— now I feel better. There are some things in life that really don’t need to be experienced, like taking heroin, climbing Mt. Everest, insulting Stephen King when one of your favorite authors is his good buddy Dave Barry, or getting arrested in China for stealing the most expensive dog in the world…even if it is for your best friend.
 
As all mothers who are REAL mothers, always say: “It the thought that counts.”
 
I’m thinking about cha’ Pattie. How about a Big Splash calendar?

March 16, 2011 - Posted by | dogs, Just life, Uncategorized |

7 Comments »

  1. I just found this thread, but the wife and I used to harvest Abalone all the time when we were young and living on the central coast of Kalifornia. We’d wait for a minus tide and then go to Shell Beach with a pry bar and pry them off the rocks. This was before the “environmentalists” managed to get the Sea Otters classified as “endangered” and those cute little animals with the brown eyes decimated the Abalone population from Oregon to Mexico.

    Abalone are pretty much like snails. We’d cut the meat out of the shell in the kitchen sink, and then the chunk of Abalone meat would try and crawl up out of the sink. Very weird. Anyway, we cut “it” into slices, beat the crap out of each slice with a meat tenderizing hammer, rolled it in batter and corn meal (?), then fried it. It’s REALLY yummy, but I’m sure that Abalone will never cross my lips again. Back in the 70s in Kalifornia, restaurants actually featured Abalone and Chips on the menu for about $6 a plate.

    I still have the shells from those Abalone in my basement. I’m thinking of selling them on eBay because they’ve become some kind of drug-cult item.

    Like

    snopercod's avatar Comment by snopercod | November 29, 2014 | Reply

    • OMG…I would NEVER in my wildest dreams imagine that somebody in this world was actually an EXPERT on Abalone, and that expert would be YOU! Who could ever have thunk it? So cool! I’m glad to hear they can taste yummy….

      Like

      Joyanna Adams's avatar Comment by Joyanna Adams | November 29, 2014 | Reply

  2. Oh yes, we have cops for all occasions here.

    We have a police boat sitting in our mid-town marina. It cost one and a half million bucks. It looks great. Very flash. But it can’t put to sea even though it was designed to be sea-going. The boat-builder said so. Not that he put the specs in his tender, cuz it wasn’t tendered out in the first place. The builder was a mate of one of our pollies, so got the nod without any other boat-builder getting wind of it.

    So our cops who chase abalone poachers have to use cars to get to the beach and watch as the divers haul anchor and bugger off laughing.

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    amfortas's avatar Comment by amfortas | March 18, 2011 | Reply

  3. good lord.

    There are such a thing as abalone cops?

    My god.

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    Joyanna Adams's avatar Comment by joyannaadams | March 17, 2011 | Reply

  4. Saint Pat was an Englishman.

    Not many people acknowledge that. He was sent over to wrest the Irish pagans from the Viking pagans. “Begorrah”, he said, “Dese are our pagans, they are, they are”.

    St Pattie’s day is a much better idea.

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    Amfortas's avatar Comment by Amfortas | March 17, 2011 | Reply

  5. It really IS the thought that counts.
    Leave it to Amfortas to know ALL about Abolone!!!
    Hey, I would love a Big Splash calendar.
    Happy St. Patty’s Day!
    Love you much….

    Like

    Pattie's avatar Comment by Pattie | March 17, 2011 | Reply

  6. I have not tasted abalone either. It’s a dog’s life living in genteel poverty.

    But I am surrounded by the slippery buggers. My Island has rich beds of abalone all around it and even a licence to dive down to get’em costs a fortune.

    We have special abalone cops that lie in wait in the deep of night and bushes by the beach to nab divers and count their swag. One over and you go down. No green chit and you are in the *hit.

    Abalones are found close to sponges, which also grow in the sea. We don’t have much of a sponge industry here, nor sponge licences- as far as I know. We probably do, of course, as even wiping your nose here needs a friggin’ chit from the Guvmunt.

    Wiping and sponges. And that dog. You don’t mention one particular expense with a dog like that. A dog may be a man’s best friend but a dog’s best friend is a sponge on a stick.

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    Amfortas's avatar Comment by Amfortas | March 16, 2011 | Reply


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