Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

The Sweetest Sounds

Nobody Flashes

I love birds. My first pet was a duck and I was absolutely heartbroken when it got eaten by some wild creature who broke into it’s outside pen one night.

Yes, Flapper became, probably some mountain lion’s dinner.

From there I went into parakeets. I’ve had one or two of them most days of my life. So, this story is sort of funny…

Friday, I was sitting at my computer when I heard a very loud squawking. You see, I have four parakeets and here’s the problem:

You buy these birds when they are babies and you can’t tell what you’re getting until they reach puberty. I ended up with three green males and one yellow female. Everything was going fine, until, I suppose they all reached puberty, and then, the fighting started.

No, the boys were not fighting over the female. SHE was attacking THEM. She was relentless. And Friday, she really did it. She bloodied my oldest male almost to the point of losing his eye. A real Hillary Clinton.

Needless to say, after visiting my vet, who knew about as much about birds and my TV cable repair man, I went out and bought her a brand new cage…and supplies…we are talking about $200.

I spent the whole day designing that cage so that she could sit NEXT to the boys and not harm them. I talked to some expert who said I might just have a “mean” bird, but I don’t think so…she just wants love. And she gets pissed when she doesn’t get it.

I know a LOT of women like that and they can be ruthless.

By the way, her name is Corona because we bought her during the last eclipse, which might explain why she’s so ‘strong.’

But, here’s the punch line. After I got the two cages side by side, I stayed and watched the birds for a few hours. They are in the kitchen so I had lots to do, and I wanted to see which one of the boys would miss her the most.

And guess who did?

The guy she beat up. They were BOTH trying to get next to each other.

This is so much like human life….I just have to laugh. Really. What can you do? Seriously.

Of course, you know this means I have to somehow pick out a bird to put in HER cage so she’ll forget about him. I want to get a girl, but I think I’ll have to try to get a boy, because if she beats HIM up, I can always put him in the cage with the other boys.

If I get a female, I’m back in the same hole.

I barely have room for the kitchen table now. Another cage? I’d have to knock out a wall.

I just wanted you to know why I didn’t do my Nobody Reports on Friday, so now I can report….

Nobody Reports that I had a major distress going on. Cabby looks like a parakeet Freddie. and I had two doughnuts in one day from the stress, and half a bottle of Tawny Port.

I think I got the better deal.

Why do I like birds so much? They sing like angels. Nothing in nature is as sweet as the sound of birds.

As you listen to this bird sing to the baby, how can you deny that birds truly are wonderful visions of God?

Damn the fields of Windmills.

Let the hurricanes have them all. Leave us our sweet little souls of songs.

Please.

September 23, 2018 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Koko.

 Nobody Flashes

She was 18.

She was my tear kisser.

She was my best friend, for all those years.

Silent. Happy. Eating with me. Sleeping with me. Teaching her “pup” to obey and be a good dog. Following me from room to room. Begging for her favorite snacks in her last days: Cracker Jacks and White Fudge Cookies. Dancing…running…filling my life with joy.

She died on National Dog Day. Fittingly I thought.

I wrote, a VERY long blog last week,  but I’m not sure I will post it. It takes a while to get over the loss of any pet or person you hold dear, so I’m just posting a picture…someday I will post that blog.

But not today.

Today, I am still missing her, so it’s important that I enjoy the life that IS all around me. To remind myself that the pain will pass. Slowly. While other memories build. Others still alive and seeming more important than the day before.

Koko. So much-loved. And trust me, worthy more of praise than most all of our politicians.

 

September 2, 2018 Posted by | Life | | 3 Comments

The Key to a Happy Baby is a Silly Dad

Nobody Flashes

Nobody does it better than Dad.

 

August 3, 2018 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Damn Yankee, Rubber Ducky, Damn Liberal.

Nobody Cares

I was watching an old rerun of Gone With the Wind tonight, and put it on my bucket list to make my SON watch it someday. His favorite program is South Park, so you can imagine how hard this it going to be. Sadly…the American culture has affected all the millennial and gen-xers, and getting them to pay attention is not easy. Our schools have purposely dumbed them down to mind-numbing stupidly, and this started happening a long time ago. The children in 1776 were more educated than most of the kids in schools today.

But it’s not just the kids who are being brainwashed…it’s half the population.

Anyway, as I said, I was watching a scene where Scarlett is talking to Bret as Atlanta burned all around them in the distance, and she turned and said with utter hatred “Damn Yankees.”

The reason I thought of this scene was there is a lady at my daily pool swim that absolutely hates me. Is the next civil war already here?

Yes, we, the swim ladies of the noon-day sun are divided between liberals and conservatives, and since I have the smartest mouth, I’m the “Damn Yankee.”

The discussion in the pool today was all about some black students who were picked up by the police downtown and mistaken for another group of black students who left an I-Hop without paying their bill.

My nemesis had a strong opinion on this:

“The cops were racially profiling them because of the color of their skin!” she said, with her mouth wide open and disgust foaming on her lips. And she looked right at me when she said it.

Okay. I had to laugh. I only said I didn’t think it should draw such hysterics and it was NOT a national emergency and was blown way out of proportion. The kids lost a few hours of their day.

Basically, I gave the cops a break. Maybe they made a mistake, but so what?

This happens ALL the time. Instead of feeling sorry for the restaurant owners and the waitress, the white lady in the pool was outraged at how the poor black students were accused unfairly.

I wanted to say that white people are being accused of being racist “unfairly” every minute of every day, but I didn’t.

If I had been in that group, I would just be glad they got it straighten out. And I would be glad that I was attending one of the most expensive schools in the nation. I would have been smart enough to know that St. Louis has one of the highest black populations in the nation and almost ALL crimes are done by…blacks.

Hopefully they will learn some math in college.

She was getting very angry at me, when I pointed this out, so I laughed and said, “Hey, I’m staying out of this.”

Fast forward a few minutes…the kids were getting ready to jump in the pool. Adult swim was over. T.J., a really adorable little boy of four, wanted to get into the water and get on my ‘waterboard.”

“Can I get on your board?” he asked his little blue eyes filled with excitement.

I have a soft spot for T.J….because his father and my son grew up together. His father was always in my home growing up.

“Sure! Hey, come on.” I said, and helped him on the waterboard. I was going to push him around.

That was it. My nemesis couldn’t take it any longer…at the top of her lungs she yelled…

“He can’t use that! It belongs to the pool. It’s against the rules!”

The little boy got so scared he jumped out, I turned around and said mockingly

“Oh, sweet Jesus!! I’ve committed the biggest sin! I’m a sinner! I’m a sinner!! Lord, Lord…I’m going to hell!”

Everybody laughed, which pissed her off even more.

Let me add: She goes to church every Sunday. So much for “cherish the little children.”

There was about 40 other kids in the pool, all jumping around. Clearly, there must have been Russians somewhere in my bathing suit.

I’m not sure what to do about the hatred this lady has for me. She doesn’t know me at all, and I’ve been really nice to her, in fact, she lives right across the street, so the last thing I want is a fight.

And I tell myself she is just been listening to all the garbage on the news and hasn’t got a brain. But, let’s face it…. we see it in the news every day.—-The hatred. Sooner or later, we are not going to sit by and take it anymore. Us DAMN YANKEES.

Speaking of damn Yankees: Some Marine came into my husband’s work today. He said he worked in intelligence…and people didn’t know it, but WWIII was coming soon, and it was going to be the worst thing that ever happened. Right now, I am wondering if I can even get along with my neighbor. Right now, the best weapon is laughter, but if she hurts that little boy again…
I just might have to pull out my rubber ducky and squirt her.

DAMN LIBERAL.

Now, I know Nobody Cares about my little life in the pool, but I have to wonder…

It this just happening to me?

July 18, 2018 Posted by | liberals | , , | 2 Comments

Nobody Flashes 

I am still in awe, and feel just like it’s the first spring of my life, when spring appears.

The absolute miracle of nature…that after a long, cold winter, as if by some kind of mysterious magic, and this year, it only took about 10 days…the earth transforms into a luscious garden of green delight with flowers of every color popping in with such intense splendor, I can only thank God I still have the eyesight to see it.

Put down that cell phone and enjoy. Spring, is much too short…I could use a whole month of it. 

 

May 19, 2018 Posted by | Life | | 1 Comment

God VS Darwin: Who Wins in the DNA department?

Nobody Flashes

a FUN Sunday school lesson….

Enjoy!

April 21, 2018 Posted by | God | , | 2 Comments

Who Needs Calvin Klein?

 

Nobody Flashes

Okay. I have trouble sometimes with this, “We all evolved from a single cell amoeba that crawled out of the ocean” theory, when I see such wonder as this:

Is this overkill? Or what?

The symmetry alone…marks proof to a higher intelligence involved here.

But, that’s just my Nobody Opinion. 

 

April 14, 2018 Posted by | Life | | 1 Comment

Nobody Flashes the GOOD News

Nobody Flashes

The doctors told them to ‘get rid of a few’….in the womb…

They said, “Nope, we’ll take our chances.”

Fantastic

March 24, 2018 Posted by | Just life | | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Gitmo Time: Stage Four

Nobody Flashes

Hi again.

By now, you are saying (You know who you are— I can COUNT you on one hand and a pinkie): Well, where ARE you Joyanna? You said, just last week: “God willing” that you would be back on Monday. You weren’t. What happened? Wasn’t God Willing?

Did your absence have something to do with the last of the White Rhino’s dying off the planet?” somebody out there might ask.

No. And politically speaking, after hearing about the last omnibus bill, that might not be a bad idea—

No, it had to do with my Nobody’s Gitmo Time.

Let me explain in one sentence: “If you can’t get to Stage four, then it’s Nobody’s Gitmo Time.”

I’ll explain Stage four in a minute. First, we must get through stage one, two, and three.

Basically, I’ve been tortured.

It’s not a pretty thing when you find yourself lying on the floor, and saying to yourself, “Damn. I did it again.” Fall that is. I’ve been falling lately, not because I’m clumsy, no, it’s because I’m usually in stage four sleep and I’m trying to walk.

Do NOT compare me to Hillary. She’s usually awake when she falls. No, this is ‘stage four’ lack of sleep torture.

Not sleeping Joyanna? Big deal. Go take a nap.

I can’t nap. Too much caffeine. You see, I can’t sleep, I can’t nap. The REAL Gitmo would be a vacation to me right now.

Why are you not in bed you might ask? Because, for the last four months of my life, I have been tortured by experts that even the toughest of Gitmo CIA operatives would be jealous of.

And that main CIA operative in my house’s name is: Koko.

My little 17-pound dog was named after the famous gorilla who could use sign language, because at the time she was literally dropped on our doorstep, I had much more important things to do beside name a dog. KOKO the gorilla was on the TV at the time I was changing my mother’s diaper–therefore I shouted, “Let’s name her Koko!” And went back to diaper duty.

But Koko is MUCH smarter than her namesake. She doesn’t even need opposing thumbs. She has a bark that tells me everything she needs. A bark SO LOUD that car alarms go off, TV’s turn on, and ground hogs turn over in their holes when she opens up her little mouth.

She can’t hear her own bark because, you see, she’s 17, and deaf.

She’s also blind.

The vet says: Hey, if a dog can still smell, she’ll be fine!

Fine for the dog. Torture for the owner. As you can guess…my VET is a democrat.

Let me go on to say that Koko has a great heart, but her back hips are giving out. And every night, she wakes up, around 2 or 3 am, and barks SO loud that I literally rise from the bed like Linda Blair in the exorcist.

So far, my husband has not noticed this elevation.

Big deal? Yes, because you see, she sleeps at the end of the bed and I must get up out of my sleep and lift her up, take her to the back-patio door, and gently take her down the two steps outside. Otherwise, there is a big mess on her bed, or on OUR bed, and that means an entire day of laundry.

I’m so tired, I usually don’t bother to put shoes on. Snow? Who cares? Cold? Hey, I’m dead to the world.

So, being that at 3am in the morning I am in stage four sleep, sometimes, I trip going to the door in the dark, and I’m thinking: “I’ve fallen! Do I HAVE to get up?”

Now, let’s review: Stage one is the first 20 minutes of sleep. Then…Stage two. That lasts around an hour, where people usually dream. Stage 3 doesn’t last long and frankly, nobody really remembers it, but Stage FOUR! Oh, that’s the time, around the third to fourth hour, when the brain reboots, the immune system repairs all the damages done doing the day, and gets you ready for the NEXT four hours. And then it all starts over. Every night. Unless you are a turtle, that’s what happens.

Most people go through two stage fours a night. Not me. I never make it to even ONE.

If ONLY I was a dolphin.

If you are awakened in the lovely sleep stage of one or two, then you wake from either a dream of, in my case, pythons or tornadoes, or a lovely dream. I dream of designer homes of the rich and famous where I am the rich and not so famous. I can design the BEST bathtubs in my dreams.

You should see them.

But to be awakened night after night after night after night, after night, after night, after night after….(for three months straight, or has it been six?) when I’ve just gotten into stage four?

Total torture. Putin would tell you. (The Russians have perfected sleep deprivations torture.) Your body, doesn’t want to move. Your arms feel like they are being held down by Michael Moore who is actually grinning: Your legs feel like the great wall of China. They simply refuse to budge.

Hillary Clinton herself could be standing by my bed with an axe and I’d turn over and try to go back to sleep.

And once I get up? I don’t DARE cook breakfast. I can’t get near a stove until at least 4pm.

But…. let’s get back to 3am. I’m just beginning to fall into Stage four sleep, and I hear– BARK! BARK!
I somehow manage to lift her down, stay awake 20 minutes while KoKo does her stuff, sniffs the house, drinks some water, gets stuck behind a corner, where I have to find her and rescue her, and then, I hear the bark: I WANT BACK UP.”

So, I pick her up and put her back in her bed.

It takes her a good five minutes after turning around to find a good spot. I finally get to fall back asleep…BUT…in just two hours…I’ve passed through sleep stage one, two…three…and THEN….

The clock turns to 4am. My husband wakes up. He turns the TV on. The other dog is barking and up. I don’t have to move, but I cannot go into stage four for another 45 minutes until he leaves at five, and I’m FINLLY in stage four, and….

BARK! It’s 6 am! Wake up! BARK BARK BARK!! BARK BARK BARK!!.

Both dogs. Get up! Get up! Feed me! Let’s play! 

This has gone on for four months straight. Add to that the fact that every other night my husband snores loud enough to launch the new Russian missile over Joe Biden’s house, and even the radio in my ear doesn’t drown THAT out, I cannot even get to stage two on those nights.

Try sleeping on a transistor under your back and your ear tangled up in wire. Try making it through the day when you are actually worse than a Zombie in last night’s Living Dead Episode. Try remembering why you are AT the grocery store.

And then, after going through the day half asleep, try writing a coherent blog right before bedtime.

So, you get it.

I have had no REAL sleep in over four months.

And here’s the kicker.

You cannot make up sleep. Nope. Whoever told you that is lying to you. The only thing you can do is take bucket loads of caffeine and make a lot of spelling mistakes. Which I do all the time, AS YOU ALL KNOW, but then again, so does President Trump.

I don’t think it’s just Congress and the democrats that are torturing our President.

I don’t think he gets enough Stage four sleep either.

Now, you might think I’m lying. But I swear, the LAST memory of myself ever having slept a full 8 hours (which is what I really need) and waking up feeling just marvelous, was in the year 2000. Yes, I remember it well. Seventeen years ago, almost to the day.

I was in Naples, Florida at a friend’s house, visiting. And I was….ALONE.

But, I don’t want to be alone. I have a wacko blind and deaf dog whom I cherish, a husband whose snore I’m sure I would miss despite the torture, and a brain that might not ever recover.

Anyway, any sane person, who’d had been sleeping properly, would not post this.

But, at the moment, I am not sane, I’m just…. tortured, and I don’t want to lose what little following of my blog that I have.

So, I just wanted to let you know: I’m thinking of joining the CIA where I too, can learn how to torture.

I have not disappeared.

I’m just…….in Nobody Needs Deep Sleep Gitmo.

Where I am losing sleep— but gaining my sense of humor back.

I guess you really have to suffer in life to enjoy it. That’s all I have to say about it.

Only to add…Nobody’s Perfect. Someday, sleep will come. When I’m dead.

Until that time…I’ll write when I can.

March 22, 2018 Posted by | humor, Life, Uncategorized | , | 2 Comments

Nobody Takes a Break

Nobody Flashes:

Once a year usually, I just have to give myself a break, to take care of myself, life, my family.

My own soul.

This is one of those times.

God willing, I will be back next Monday.

Everybody have a great week. And for the few of you who do read me,

Thank you…Thank you.

 

March 11, 2018 Posted by | Life | | 2 Comments

How Precious is Life…

Nobody Flashes

The many celebrations and reminders of how precious life is ….

 

March 3, 2018 Posted by | Life, Uncategorized | | 1 Comment

Christmas Dancing in the Snow With Irishmen

Nobody Flashes

This song simply HAS to be played today…for me.

I was talking to one of the men putting in my patio door today, an Irish looking guy. Our old one cracked into tiny pieces. We had been putting tons of pillows and curtains and boards up to keep the cold out, so we were pretty excited to get a new one.

It’s a three paneled door, and we had been waiting for 2 months for it to be manufactured and then installed. It was only 57 degrees here today, warm for December, so the door installers said they would be coming by 10.30.

To say I was excited is an understatement.

10.30 passed.

11.30 passed.

12.30 passed.

1:30 passed.

2:30 passed.

Where were they? I thought.

And then the head guy called and said they’d be there by 3.pm

3:30 passed, and they arrived at 4:30. It gets dark at 5:pm here, so I was surprised when they apologized, said they had trouble at the first job, and jumped in to repair our patio door, which by the way, is three huge glass panels and takes up a whole wall.

5:30 PM, they got the old frame out…and all of us: the three contractors, my husband, and I…went quiet.

There, underneath the frame, were THOUSANDS of termites.

Quickly we got an old can of termite spray from the house, and Justin, the man in charge sprayed the whole can on top. I ran up to the local hardware store and bought more cans.

What to do now?

Justin said, “Well, we’ve got to put the door up, otherwise you have a whole wall with nothing there. You need to get an extermination, and we need to come back TAKE the door down, replace the rotten wood, and put it in right.

Now, it’s dark out, and getting cold. And I said, “Well, 2017 has NOT been kind to us.”

First, our garage door opening stopped working.

Then, our 64 inch big screen TV, the only one we watch, died.

Then our basement flooded. It was completely finished off. Bedroom, pool room, bathroom…bar…everything had to be repaired. We had to tear out the rugs, rebuild the walls, and put up new drywall.

Then, our oven died. It was a wall oven, and my husband and I had to try to “lift’ the new one in all by ourselves. Labor would have been $500, never mind the expense of a new wall oven.

The electrician for downstairs still hasn’t given us our bill. We had to rewired most everything.

And then…the sewer line backed up. Good thing all the rugs were already torn out. But, because whoever built the house did not leave room for a ‘line’, they had to remove the toilet downstairs to clean out the sewer backup.

Anyway….there was more stuff, MUCH more, it’s just that my mind is trying to BLOCK the rest out.

So, back to the story. I was telling them what a bad year we had. And then, like Christmas magic, we all bonded in silence. The working class. The WHITE working class men mostly, making the world go round, and yet, each day a struggle.

And one young guy shook his head. “Yeah, it was a bad year for me too.”

“Well, make us feel better.” I said. “Tell us your bad deal.”

“My fiancé broke up with me. I found her with another guy.” He has spent $6,000 for a ring. She gave it back but he only got $350 for it when he sold it.

“Her big loss” I said. And I meant it. Then we all told him he was lucky it happened BEFORE the marriage and no kids were involved. Surely, I told him, he would find another.

Just ordinary Americans. These guys were the good stuff. The good stuff that this country was built on. And every time I hear Hillary trash white people, I…well…where’s that termite spray.

Trump, is…so right.

Tonight, I opened a Christmas card from my neighbor who lives three doors down. I was supposed to get together with her, and do something last March, I called her, left a message, but she never called me back.

Being my typical self, I told my husband, “Well, I guess she’s just doesn’t like me.” and tried to just shrug it off. (That never really works, does it?)

But then, the reason why she never called became clear: Our phone number has been changed (she’s right) and she has stage four ovarian cancer most of the year, and is going through chemo.

What’s a few termites compared to cancer?

We sat on the long bus rides to high school together. She is the only girl who ever laughed at my jokes.

Cancer. Horrible.

So, THAT’s why I’m posting these very happy drunk Irishmen.

Join me, and toast! To the Irish Rovers!

To my favorite Irish man! (He knows who he is.)

To all the termites in my house! (Your days are NUMBERED SUCKERS.)

And to President Trump! May he defeat the swamp with swiftness and bold American bravado.

God bless the Good King of Christmas!

And God bless all you who read me, and wonder when I’m going to drive myself crazy.

I’m already there…dancing in the snow with Irishmen.

Thank you for your help, and your kind emails.

I don’t think I could have made it through 2017, without you.

Okay…another glass? These guys are too much fun!

God bless freedom loving people on the planet wherever they are! The tyrants will be defeated.

They always are…so…

Tonight, I dance with the drunken Irishmen.

Care to join me?

 

December 16, 2017 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Nobody Loves You Like A Dog

Nobody Flashes

Dog lovers will love this.

It’s got to feel good to come home to this much love.

Enjoy!

December 15, 2017 Posted by | Life | | Leave a comment

Nobody Flashes: A Father’s Wedding Gift…Laughter and Wisdom

Nobody Flashes

I was going to wait until Sunday to post this, but after reading my columns all week, I think a good laugh is in order.

This father is great. You can bet, that when “God” takes this father, they will need to find a bigger church.

If you haven’t seen this: You’re missing one of the greatest father’s wedding speech of all time:

Enjoy!

(Thanks to Tom Beebe)

November 24, 2017 Posted by | humor | , | Leave a comment

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