Nobody’s Perfect
It wouldn’t be summer without hot dogs and beer, and this week we have a tie: What country gets grosser by the minute? America, or Moldova?
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America can eat more hot dogs than any other nation: Moldova, a country stuck between Romania, and the Ukraine, can out drink any nation, even their neighbors. In fact, Moldova is drunker than even South Korea, who by all standards, wakes up drunk. In Moldova, the average person drinks 4.81 gallons of alcohol a year. Both countries hold records, of dubious talents: that of getting drunk, and that of eating the most hot dogs at once. And after you consider the nutritional value of a hot dog, as compared to a beer, it’s a hard decision.
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Which is better for you?
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Man has been getting drunk since Adam first dropped Eve in a batch of grapes, after he ate the apple. Hot dogs were invented to get rid of all the junk and waste that the meat packers were throwing away. One day, some guy said, “Hey Joe…let’s take all these guts and stuff them, dye em’ red, and sell em’ at the ball parks!” The fans got thirsty from eating all those hot dogs, and drank more beer. It was a win/win situation for capitalism.
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The beer and hot dog moguls got together to make sure that everyone in America got hooked on hot dogs and beer, at every sporting events. In fact, the stadiums were built around the beer and hot dog franchises, and before you know it, now, when you go to the ball park, you are paying more for the hot dogs and beer than for the ticket. Two beers and two hot dogs? Cost: $2,440.52. Ticket? $40.00 dollars.
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Moldova tried the same idea. They make stuffed cabbage for their main meal, which is just about as horrible as eating 62 hot dogs in ten minutes…so they have to drink lots of alcohol not only to drown the taste, but to make them forget they ever ate it. Therefore BECAUSE stuffed cabbage is much worse than a hot dog, which if piled with enough ketchup, mustard, onions and pickle relish…is rather tasty, nobody is leaning to the Americans for sheer tenacity of inventiveness. All the condiments make you forget about the hot dog, and this actually brings a much more exhilarating experience.
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Try putting ketchup on stuffed cabbage. Yuk.
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If you’ve never watched the Nathan’s famous eating hot dog contest on Coney Island, held every year on the fourth of July, take it from one who has.—Don’t watch it. You might not eat the rest of the day, or even, till the next July 4th. Some guy named Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs this year, and now he is floating somewhere in New York harbor, wishing he had cabbage and sausage for lunch.
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That’s why America is going to win this. NOBODY can rip America’s money away from their innocent hands like another greedy American! We have the art perfected. If the CEO’s in Moldova were smart, they’d stuff a hot dog with cabbage, smother it in mustard, and have a contest, to see how many people watching can even bear witness to the event.
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But they will NEVER beat the American’s for sheer grossness, because WE keep can take our shirts off too!
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And Americans can eat hot dogs and drink beer at the same time, and get really drunk while doing it.
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Try that Moldova!
I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in the yucky brown, one rung up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life: drummer/singer/keyboards—but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing…depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents…but that really doesn’t make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS, which i have more than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined…mostly political. (yes…my ancestors were crabby buggers)
Joyanna Adams 
Joy, That had to be your funniest post yet. I laughed & laughed!!!! Thanks for the funny,
Pattie
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Hot dogs and Cabbage by the Gross.
🙂
How can anyone top your piece.
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