Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Nobody’s Shopping Defects

Nobody Cares

Can we get serious here? I want to know…if America defaults, how much is a Louis Vuitton purse going to cost? Yes, see the lovely picture of the purses? Even Louis is having a hard time selling those ugly stupid looking things in this economy, so they are displaying them on a carousel…I suppose to bring the little girl out in the woman. She will rush into the store, like they are candy canes at Christmas, and go..”Oh..I just can’t decide!”
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Please. What is this obsession with purses?
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Not that I care. Nope. I’ve had the same plain black purse for over ten years, and the zippers are going out, you know, you zip it up, and the zipper goes to the top, and..then you see a big hole, and the lips don’t come together, so you zip it down, and then start all over, only to find it breaks…and then I realized that I have lost my driver’s license.
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And that is why my friend Pattie had to sign for me at the mall today. I went to get my ears pierced (again—I’m not much for earrings either) and they asked for my driver’s license.
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What? Since when do we need ears to drive a car? Last time I looked, you need hands, feet, at least one eye…common sense.
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You need a license to get your ears pierced? One can vote, enter the country illegally, play blackjack in Las Vegas, go to school, get free medical care, run for the Presidency, but…the law needs you to prove you are WHO you are, when they are going to punch holes in your lobes.
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Can you believe it?
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I felt like I was six again…Pattie had to act like my mom, and sign about fifteen pages of legal agreements just for me to get holes in my ears. It’s NOT as if I look under age.
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But, back to purses. A woman’s purse is her…survival bag. Most women have a checkbook, calculator, powder, lipstick, chap stick, toothpicks, chainsaws, at least 10 credit cards, debit cards, coupons, pictures of their kids and dogs and husbands and boyfriends, and aunts and nephews and nieces, and nail files, pills, and extra hand wipes, and…
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Really— can you see anyone getting all that stuff in any of Louie’s purses?
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Nobody has a theory. The richer you are, the smaller your purse. Have you see the commercial for the new “black” Visa Card? The hot looking rich lady jumps out of a helicopter,(for guys…remember black bikini) into the ocean, and gets onto a yacht..she is so rich, she doesn’t even NEED a purse.
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On the other hand, if you are a citizen of the United States and you have been downsized to a mere pimple on some CIA marketing map, then you’d better get a BIG purse, because some day, they will come to your door pointing guns, and tell you to leave your house, and you will have to carry everybody else’s stuff.
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It’s not fair, we know, but neither is Las Vegas.
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Pattie bought a purse today. She’s a GOOD shopper. It was only nineteen dollars. I’m very proud of her.  And what did I buy, besides the pain of having some Mary Poppins’ twelve-year-old use a gun to punch holes through my earlobes?
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Books.
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I bought Quotationary, on sale. I have too many of these, but in this book I learned:
Our very defects are..shadows of our virtues. —Ralph Emerson
And in Someone’s Watching You! ––I learned how to slaughter a RFID tag. Good to know. AND in On the Tip of my Tongue by David Gentle, I learned that the six Noble Gases are Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon, and Radon. Why oxygen is not noble..it didn’t say.
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This is all going to come in handy someday when I finally learn how to shop. Yes, I learned today that this horrible defect I have of not being able to shop is actually one of my finest virtues.
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Why? Because I would never in a million years, even if I WAS rich, buy a Louis Vuitton purse, and I will know how to keep the multinational companies from tracking me, because I will take out my trusty knife and remove those RFID tracking devise, and I will carry Krypton with me the next time Pattie and I go into a picture booth, and then find out later that not only did the machine take my picture, it was also taking a video of me being silly, and then sending it to Superman at FACEBOOK!
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Next time I’m sitting in that picture booth, I will look into my “new” purse and release the Noble Gas– Krypton.
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That’ll teach them.
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Nobody Cares that I am at the moment, waiting patiently for my new purse. I had to order it. It is black, looks exactly like my old one, and I’m figuring it will last another ten years.
Hopefully, in ten years, with my good friend’s help, I might even learn how to shop.
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Nobody Thinks everybody should have a few defects.

July 29, 2011 Posted by | humor, Life | , | 4 Comments