Nobody Remembers Why We Are Fat

Nobody Remembers

When I was a kid, nobody was ‘obese.’  Every kid I knew was perfect. Normal.  Leave it to Beaver size.

Once a week, my parents drove my brother and I to dancing lessons….110 miles one way across the Tamiami Trail to Miami from Naples.  My mother wanted us to be the next Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers–what she got was The Lone Ranger and Tonto. (Another blog)

You would THINK at five, that the highlight of my trip would have been the fabulous underground millionaire shops at the Fountain Blue Hotel where we took our lessons..where movie stars would walk by and hope to be noticed. Or the underground window at the bar, where you could see the swimmers legs dangling under the pool. (Dad loved to stand by that one) Or the excitement of looking for alligators crossing the road.

Nope.

The highlight of those Saturdays was…WHITE CASTLE.  What my brother and I would do for lunch at White Castle. My parents would say, “Hey! So what if it’s a long drive, and you would rather stay home and play with your friends…we’ll go to White Castle!”

You think kids want to sit in a car for two hours, just to be taught how to do the cha-cha by some Cuban guy who couldn’t speak English? Heck no. It was promise of those White Castle smothered in ketchup that made us both into perfect little angels.

I’ve been a burger girl ever since.

Back then, there were not the hundreds of fast food franchises there are today, so is it any wonder that America is on the fat side?  I think one of the reasons that America gets fatter by the minute, is because every single town in America has the food strip….you know: Fast Food Heaven Lane. EVERY single town across America is one big glutton street.  America really manufactures— Franchisees. Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, McDonald’s, KFC…Pizza Hut, etc….

But….according to National Geographic, we can’t blame our fatness on fast food, no…we can blame it on:

THE MONKEY

Yes….that lovable NOT fat ancestor of ours, is the reason we are fat.

Once upon a time, 22 million years ago, the monkeys lazed around in the African rain forest, living on fruit which they ate year round. And then, about 5 million years later, seas receded and ice caps expanded. So, the curious monkeys went over a bridge to some different rain forests.

In other words, like the 49er’s looking for gold in the California desert, they got lost. And it kept getting colder. They couldn’t find fruit any longer, and the trees started losing their leaves.

(I hate when that happens.)

Anyway, the woods started filling up with lots of starving apes. So what happened? According  to a scientist named Johnson, a mutation happened. Ape mutated some genes and became a  wildly efficient processor of fructose. Even small amounts of sugar were stored as fat, in order to survive months when winter came upon the land and food was scarce.

And then the monkeys moved BACK to Africa and kept that mutative fat storage survival gene and passed it down to us, who according to the scientists— we been struggling with ever since.

That’s why, IF I go and eat the Blue Bunny Cherry Chocolate Ice Cream in my fridge, right now, I will have stored fat for the next two years.

And since sugar stimulates the same pleasure centers of the brain that respond to heroin and cocaine you CAN become addictive to it, and IF you become addicted to let’s say…doughnuts, you can rest assured that your body will store that sugar as fat, and you can blame that on the monkey.

Or if you prefer: the ice age that Al Gore missed.

And in case you haven’t noticed, we ARE coming into another ice age. This could present another problem.

The monkeys might have to go exploring again, and not be able to find fruit, AGAIN, and their genes will mutate…AGAIN…and future humans will be so big, they won’t be able to walk.

They will have to outlaw sugar. (Wait…they did that in New York.)

Instead of all these geneticists trying to design the perfect human baby, maybe they should be working on a gene mutations that takes sugar and turns it into muscle instead. What good is a smart baby if it craves sugar? Huh? Think about that.

And MAYBE  the real reason scientists are studying all these monkeys, is  because they are waiting for the monkeys to mutate into humans.

Frankly, I am too. I want them to start talking so that we can ask them why they are not fat?

There’s more than one missing link in the scientific liberal basket.

I’m not sure just what to do with this information but, now that I think about it,  I’m going to go have  a few scoops of chocolate cherry ice cream, and then maybe…White Castle for lunch tomorrow.

I learned my lesson from National Geographic: Don’t Starve–your ancestors will never forgive you.

It’s the least we can do for ‘evolution.’  Go ahead—have one more….

February 7, 2014 - Posted by Joyanna Adams | American Culture, History, humor, Uncategorized | American Culture, History, Humor