Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Nobody Laughs at Helen Gurly Brown

Nobody Flashes

I don’t want this to sound mean, but today Helen Gurly Brown died, and I’m happy to report, her dying has left me in such a happy mood. Don’t get me wrong. Sorry to her family, but the old gal lived a pretty good long life.(90) She basically was a regular…(in the words of maybe… Rush Limbaugh)  “slut.” and she promoted “slutness” to the highest degree.

Nobody would call her…ambitious, and she made it the old fashioned way: She slept her way to the top! Really…that’s what she says.

Who am I to judge? She had to have really great business sense to keep a magazine going for so many years. Helen made a magazine promoting all the ways you can have sex …the sort of modern day Sutra without the pictures. A great force for the condom industry and sex industry in general. Helen gets the Olympian gold medal for sexually arousing generations of young girls for men for decades! Anyway it gave me an excuse to go The Cosmopolitan website, and once again, have good laugh.

What’s Cosmopolitan? If you have no clue…then you are not from this planet, because Cosmopolitan has been the savior of every woman who has had to stand in a long line anywhere.

Having said that: I have NEVER seen a man pick one up.

And why not, you may ask? Because it’s all about how to please your man sexually, which is a contradiction in itself, because if you’re in a relationship and having a good time, I say, don’t fix what’s not broken, but that’s me.

Evidently too many women feel stupid about it.

“My own philosophy is if you’re not having sex, you’re finished. It separates the girls from the old people,” she told an interviewer.

The Browns were childless by choice, she said. You can’t be sexual at 60 if you’re fat,” she observed on her 60th birthday. She also championed cosmetic surgery, speaking easily of her own nose job, facelifts and silicone injections.

And she looked like the plastic surgery…stuck! 

Because she died today, I went to Cosmopolitan site, and at the top was the headline:

HOW TO FIND YOUR G-SPOT!

I won’t go into it here, but basically she tells the girls it feels like a walnut. Nobody wants to know…By whose standards? I can’t stop laughing about this, so I’ll go onto her more mundane subject of:

GIRLS HABITS GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND:

1. Thank you cards to your girlfriends….Guys don’t do this. They are too busy watching football. Girls have to have something to do to pass the time and make sure that whoever gave them that Birthday gift gives them another one NEXT year, because who know if that guy will be there, after he finds out she is reading Cosmopolitan?

2. Flannel Pajamas…For all the fat that are on a woman’s body, she stills wears flannels. Guys mostly go nude. I want to know why men don’t wear flannel pajamas. I think they are pretty sexy on a man. Nobody ever asks that question.

3. Decor Pillows…I have to agree with the men on this.  But women are nest builders, and the nest is the bed and the bed MUST have designer pillows. I have designer pillows, but they are in the chair. It’s a waste of time putting them on the bed, unless the Queen was coming to my house—THEN I would put them on the bed. Otherwise I really don’t care if they never go on the bed again. Someone should make scented pillows..it would help on those mornings when you roll over..and smell last night’s pizza.

4.Cluches: Right. I’m with the guys. Cute but…pointless. You can’t fit anything but a tampon in them, which is probably the point. Carrying a tampon around all night in your hand, would be…gross.

5. Wedge Heels.  Now what’s wrong with wedge heels? YOU try walking on 6 inch stilettos! The wedges give you support, and trust me, most women in America need it. Picture Michelle Obama in high heels.

Or..don’t.

6. Thongs: Guys don’t like thongs? Who knew? Okay, so why are they watching Beach Volley ball?

7. Massive Purses: If you read me you know, I have a thing about ugly purses. I’ve had the same “purse” for ten years, and it’s basically like a college backpack. BUT…a woman needs a massive purse. I will be ready when the Obama Gestapo comes to put me in detention. My purse, has…everything in it I DON’T need and that’s the way I like it.  Besides, a woman’s purse is like a man’s car. Think about it.

8. Eyelash Curler:  I’d like to see a man put on fake eyelashes. Mastering advanced Algebra is much easier than learning to apply just the right amount of glue to your eyelash. Try it if you don’t believe me.

ENOUGH

Now, stop reading if you don’t want to get mad at me…but look at this picture. Helen Gurly Brown says YOU will LOVE this position of sex…because

Because there’s little eye contact, your man feels free to engage in reckless role-playing, a major turn-on for you both.

Uh..so the man is turned on by NOT having any eye contact with you? He is engaged in reckless role playing?

Uh..what role is he playing? Porcupine? Is he tearing down the Berlin Wall? He is sick of looking at your face? He doesn’t want to remember you putting your eyelashes in a curler?

Okay, I won’t do this stuff often. It’s just that, Helen Curly Brown’s Cosmopolitan was a genius at getting us all to look, and in my case laugh….and entertaining me in many a boring line at the grocery store.

I don’t think the magazine helped our society at all…but neither did Hugh Hefner..who will probably be following right behind her….and Hugh NEVER made me laugh.

Which I suppose somewhere there is an article written  in Cosmo that said this:

WHY HUGH HEFNER NEVER MAKES A WOMAN LAUGH.

RIP Helen.. You were one- of- a- kind.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | American Culture, fashion, Uncategorized | , , , , | 2 Comments