Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Nobody’s Email: The Pearly Gates of Heaven

Nobody Gets Email

This is a perfect joke for a Sunday…and it’s from my liberal friend who is an atheist.Odin

(Thanks to JR)


Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates  When two guys wearing dark hoodies,  And sagging pants, arrive. 
 St. Peter looked out through the Gates And said,”Wait here. I’ll be right back.” 
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers And tells him who is waiting for entrance. 
 
God says to Peter: “How many times do I have to tell You? You can’t be judgmental here. This Is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
 
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks Around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He Returns to God’s chambers and says, ” Well, they’re gone.”
 
“The guys wearing hoodies?” asked God.
 
“No. The Pearly Gates.”
 
 
 
 

January 4, 2015 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Email: The Irishman and the Mormon

Nobody Gets Email:

This one just makes me laugh. Nothing like a good punch line.  pit bull

Enjoy!

(Thanks to JR)


 A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight back to the States from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The  Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He  said in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, “Me  too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
                                                                                 

January 3, 2015 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | 2 Comments

Jib Jab: 2014

Nobody Flashes

Here’s something I just saw on Moonbattery and decided to pass it on to you!

Enjoy!

January 3, 2015 Posted by | humor, politics, Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

2014: Let’s Burn That Sucker

Nobody’s Opinion

It’s coming, the end of 2014. I don’t know about you, but I suggest we light a match and burn the sucker into the annals of historical “Let’s not forget that nasty sucker” annals. Tell me, what will we all remember about it, if we should live even ten more years?Obama as dictator

It will be known as the year America got her first full-fledged dictator. That’s what happens when you elect a man who runs for the American Presidency on his Muslim name instead of his American one.

I think 2014 will someday be considered, as the worst American year ever. Oh sure. There were worse years in our past: The Revolutionary War, the Civil War, World War I, World War II–the day they shot Bambi’s mother. But that’s nothing compared to when a President threatens the country with his pen and his phone.

When you have dictatorial power, there is nothing more threatening.

Remember that after the horror of WWII, millions came home, and said, “Enough of THAT crap.” Things got better. They made sure of it.

That was the American dream: This..is the American nightmare.

2014 was the year of unbelievable Presidential lies–with both feet planted firmly in the air, Obama produced scandal after scandal, and just when you thought there couldn’t be another one, there was.  His wife tried to starve all the school children, in the name of saving them.

Hollywood filled us with images of blatant sex, homosexual, transsexual, and interracial relations. White men were falling in love with black women on every sitcom. Of course, all those black women were beautiful, and 100 pounds thinner than the black women walking around downtown Ferguson. And now, the children must be able to decide what sex they are: physical facts are no longer important.

It was the year that the state proudly announced that for the first time…single mothers outnumbered married couples.

The debt is so high, no one DARES to ever mention it again.

It was a year of auto recalls, and computer hackers–massive layoffs, and store closings. A winter so cold you could open your front door, put your food outside in the snow, and save on electric, which Obama wants us all to use less of.

A year of zombies sitcoms, and heinous attacks on Christians.

A year of Isis beheading Americans on Youtube.Isis beheading

If you booked a flight in a Malaysia airline, you MIGHT not make your destination. It was a year where CNN was turned off because of all the progressive liberal lies, and then FOX was turned off because of all the progressive conservative lies, but everyone wants to see the legs so they get more viewers.

It was a year where Lois Lerner lost thousands of emails, and Jeb Bush found thousands of his. We should have seen hers, we did NOT need to see his.

It was the first year that marijuana was legalized….starting legislation in every state to continue to give the masses a right to get totally stoned.Ebola costumees two

It was the year when honest and true Americans were ostracized and lambasted as traitors: Ted Cruz and Edward Snowdon were both..verbally pistol whipped for months on end—while at the same time, a President traded five hardcore jihadists for one American traitor, who got men killed looking for him, and gave his Muslim parents a big White House welcome.

It was also in that year he released such a dangerous Muslim from Guantanamo, we now have to pay $5 million to get him back. Another one of those men that Obama let free, now is the head of ISIS.SNOWDEN WIRED

(Are you starting to see the pattern here?)

Yes, it was the year that Obama gave the Middle East BACK to the barbarians, while at the same time making sure that the Americans lives lost in those wars, were lost for nothing.

It was the year that Americans everywhere lost their health insurance, veterans couldn’t get into their hospitals, and a president welcomed Ebola patients into the country.

It was the year we watched a president play more golf than Tiger Woods.

It was the year Russia took over the Ukraine, and held the winter Olympics, and in true Russian fashion, won all the gold. It was the year China took over as the biggest economic county in the world.

It was a year where Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin called the President racist names we would probably be arrested for.

It was the year that Obama ordered (Come on, sure he did) the IRS to attacked conservatives and Lois Lerner got off for committing the dictator’s crimes.

We are NOT in Kansas anymore.

It was year, where a governor called out the National Guard and didn’t even use them, when angry mobs burned down a city, in order for the news media and a President to start a race war with the cops. When Obama said that race relations have never been better than under him, you can hear bear poop in the woods there is so much silence. In the meantime blacks riot all over the country, and close down malls and wear tee shirts saying “I can’t breather” and “Hands Up, don’t Shot!” fergusion 2

A year when an American President reached out to Cuba, and handed them millions just to put an American embassy on their Island.

It snowed in Hawaii. In fact, the winter Polar Vortex was SO cold, global warming was changed to climate change. California had to ration water due to drought, and some men actually landed on a comet 330 million miles away, but because it used solar panels, it couldn’t broadcast much.

If that isn’t a sign of the human race DNA destruction before our very eyes, I’m not sure what is.The Rich

And yet, Obama will still push solar panels in the middle of the ice age.

The good news: the top one percent got so very rich, they can now buy up pretty much the rest of the whole world, which always leads to communism because when the people start starving, the rich elites that controlled the crony capitalism come in and say,

“Nothing is FAIR..so all of YOU must sacrificed to feed each other!”

“We can’t. We are too important.”

The overwhelming majority of republicans put into Congress were suppose to stop Obamacare, and the millions of illegal’s that will be flooding our country soon.

They have no intention of doing it at all.

We the America people— are expendable.

We are the children of the greatest generation, and yet our generation nurtured their babies in the communists hubs of our rich elite universities– where all the powerful come to rule-and they have betrayed us.

If Hillary is elected, doctors won’t be able to take money from a patient out of their pocket, doctors will continue to disappear, and no matter how much they hope Jeb Bush will become President, she leads him 54 percent to 41.

So, R.I.P. 2014.mouse joke

 

I’m taking last year’s calendar outside and burning it.

December 29, 2014 Posted by | American History, Uncategorized | , , | 5 Comments

Nobody’s Email: Just Plain Funny

Nobody Gets Email

I’m still laughing at this one.cat joke

(Thanks to Kris)


ROMANCE
Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me…”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Barb asked..
“To get my teeth!”

December 27, 2014 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Email: God Sends You What You Need

Nobody Gets EmailLaughing horse

And since the last post was so depressing, here’s a Sunday joke!

(Thanks to Kris)


She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found
that she had locked her keys inside.  The woman found an old rusty coat hanger
left on the ground.  She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.  Within 5 minutes
a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing
an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
     
She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in my car.  I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was
open.  She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You, God, for sending
me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just
got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God!   You even sent me a Professional!”


Is GOD great or what!?!

=

December 21, 2014 Posted by | humor | | 1 Comment

Naked Harvard Men MEET Michael Brown Protestors

Nobody Cares

A group of about 30 students attempted to hold a silent demonstration in the first minutes of Primal Scream, a biannual naked run around Harvard Yard early Thursday morning.Naked Harvard men

BUT..the elite naked men ran into a group of Michael Brown protestors, who had advertised what they were going to do on Facebook,   —and that caused the highly educated and elite men who will someday walk the halls of power, to have to reverse the usual direction of the run, and left some significant “heated” interactions, between the two groups.

Actually, this is one protest I find pretty funny. You would have thought more GIRLS would have showed up. What does that say?

On a historical note: This practice of running around naked in Harvard yard (usually while drunk) once got Charles Adams (John’s son) suspended.

Why do they do it?

Because they can.

NOTICE, the Harvard guys are wearing rapper NIKE tennis shoes, and the protestors are wearing really old beat up ones.

Do we care that their naked run got disrupted?

Nope! 🙂

 

December 12, 2014 Posted by | American History, humor | , , | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Email: How to Call the Police

 

Nobody Gets Email:

Since the police seem to be on everybody’s news reports, how about a few cop jokes to start the weekend? (NOTE: I did NOT check this on Snopes, because it’s a JOKE.)

(Thanks to Kris)


HOW  TO  CALL THE POLICE– WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George  Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up  to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked  “Is someone in your house?”cops funny

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”.

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both;  the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George,  “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

(True  Story)

Don’t mess with old people

 

 

 

December 5, 2014 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | 1 Comment

Bezos Wants Millions To Leave the Planet

Nobody Reports

The stock market reached another historical high today,elephant in room

So what you might say?

Well, rich people who HAVE millions in stock just got richer, and so, you may ask, why are private investors like Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos of Amazon investing in SPACE projects, when they are already very rich men?

AMAZON CEO: ‘I Want To See Millions Of People Living And Working In Space’

Bezos’ private spaceflight company Blue Origin is currently working with the United Launch Alliance to build a new liquid rocket engine called the BE-4. The United Launch Alliance is said to be one of the biggest rivals to Musk’s commercial spaceflight company SpaceX. 

The vehicle Bezos’ company is working on uses a modern booster engine, which is said to be more efficient than those made 20-30 years ago, reports The Washington Post. Bezos also said the vehicle is autonomous, so there’s no need to send test pilots when they’re running trials with it.

Do these men really want to be the future inventors and explorers of the universe?

I’m sure…it will look wonderful in the history books if they can pull it off, not to mention, it will look even MORE fabulous in their stock portfolios’.

And besides….one day, if they make it cheap enough, they can just transfer all the little nobodies out into space and save the planet for themselves.

It’s a noble cause.

December 2, 2014 Posted by | humor | | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Email: Dogs Eats Yeast Rolls on Thanksgiving

Nobody Gets Email

Anybody who has ever owned a dog, will get a big kick out of this one…

(Thanks to JR)

 

Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper.  He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.  Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.  He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights.  The new door cost over $200.  But I digress. Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house.  Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. dog back

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly.  It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.  Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor.  Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours.  Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. 

The rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM.  When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty.  I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.  He literally wobbled over to me.  He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur.  He groaned when he walked.  I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet.  After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.  God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. 

Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink.  He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve himself.  Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave.  He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn’t lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.  When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn’t stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. 

I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol. Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister’s house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).  Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don’t believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.  These burps were pure Old Charter.  They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station.  But that’s not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls.  God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth!  We endured this for the entire trip to Karen’s, thankful she didn’t live any further away than she did. dog and tennis ball

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister’s garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day.  The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper’s latest endeavor to walk without running into something.  Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog’s digestive system is quite different from yours or mine.  I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen’s house. 

Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.  The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose.  It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. 

I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.  And as if this wasn’t degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry’s sister’s house. 

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament.  He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.  None the worse for wear I presume.  I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.  Now, I’m doing research on the computer as to:  ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’

And how was your day?

November 29, 2014 Posted by | dogs, humor, Uncategorized | , | 2 Comments

Presidential Turkeys That Pardon

My mother didn't send this...did she?

My mother didn’t send this…did she?

Nobody Wonders

It seems fitting that Presidents have to “pardon” turkeys before Thanksgiving. (Most of them having been turkeys themselves.) So, I thought we’d compare the style of a few of them:

"I'll give you a pardon, if you get the union workers to get off my back."

“I’ll give you a pardon, if you get the union workers to get off my back.”

"Nice butt!"

“Nice butt!”

Obama turkey

I. King Obama, Do Pardon you and your white family…for one whole day. You’re welcome.”

 

November 26, 2014 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | 1 Comment

Nobody’s Email: Wonder….

Nobody Gets Email:

The world is crazy, and I’m sleeping in today…so it’s important that we keep our sense of humor, right? Right.

Some of these sayings could go into Nobody Wonders.

My favorite was the one about evolution.  Such fun. What’s your favorite?

Anyway…Enjoy!

(Thanks to Kris)

**************************wonder

 

. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE  MONKEYS AND APES?

. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE  ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?’ SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP?

. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?’

. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL Kris 60CLEAN THEM?

. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW SIGNS?

. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE AN ‘S’ IN IT?

. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?

November 22, 2014 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | 1 Comment

Nobody’s Email: What Would the Animals Say?

Nobody Get Email:

One of the subjects that I share with my liberal friend, is our love of animals…and so, I got these from him last week.

These pictures are just fabulous….I just thought I’d share them, and I imagined, what the animals may be saying….

She's a babe-- get one of her for me, will ya?

She’s a babe– get one of her for me, will ya?

I can't believe they even LET people on this beach.

I can’t believe they even LET people on this beach.

JR pic 3

Got anymore of those peanut M&Ms?

And...WHY are you here?

And…WHY are you here?

I just LOVE It when you wear Drakar FISH!

I just LOVE It when you wear Drakar FISH!

JR pic 6

I think the shoe is stuck.

JR pic 7

Eat your heart out bub, she’s mine. And that’s my kid.

Can you see me now?

Can you see me now?

JR pic 9

Every time I eat the buffet here, I get sick.

 

 

 

 

November 16, 2014 Posted by | humor | | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Email: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Nobody Gets Email

Attached to this email, JR (my liberal friend) said this was a VERY old email.

It’s still pretty funny!

Enjoy!


SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!chicken three

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.  No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.

JOHN McCAIN:  My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us.  There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white?chicken one

DR. PHIL:
 The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly.  So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other  side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:
 That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty!  You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.chicken two

JERRY FALWELL:
 Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay.  If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn’t that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of Chicken 2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
 Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  What? Did I miss one?

 

November 15, 2014 Posted by | humor, Uncategorized | | 5 Comments