Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

Nobody Reviews Cosmo

Nobody Cares

I love these so-called ‘feminists’ who get all upset about those men going around ‘raping’ women.

BUT, if they are democrats, then, well, it’s okay. Rep. Ilhan Omar D-Minn  had this to say about Biden’s sexual past:

Rep. Ilhan Omar, D-Minn., said that while she will support 2020 presidential candidate Joe Biden in his White House bid, she also thinks it is important to believe survivors of sexual assault, including a woman who has leveled allegations against the former vice president.

How nice. Really. Does anybody else but me find these big liberal women crying out against the “patriarchy” a bit too much to swallow?

How did a nation of women become so, so..moronic?

Case in point: If they didn’t want to be raped, then why are their magazines FILLED with sex? How to get sex, how to use men, how to best LOOK sexy, vagina talk, penis talk, and how to be sexy….sure, women have always wanted to ‘be sexy.” But..stupid?

I was thinking about this when going through a Cosmopolitan Magazine. Long ago, it was mostly about makeup, clothes, and perfume, but today, it’s all about…well—Let’s go through Cosmo’s month of April. The editor, Jessica Pels, is a young Asian Chinese woman. The editorial, is all about how upset she is that the orgy called the Music and Arts Festival in Coachella Valley has been cancelled.

“For the better part of a decade, going to Coachella was unquestionably the coolest thing anyone could do. Cooler than asking Drake to murder your vagina.”

NOBODY: Who is Drake and why would you LET him murder your vagina? Pain is the new turn-on? She goes on to say the main reason she is upset is because she won’t be able to say she saw Paris Hilton hanging out. Wow. What an editor.

The magazine goes on, and the education of our young women begins:

Let’s review some of the titles, shall we?

 The Beginner’s guide to Marvel—in which all characters are explained, as IF anyone under 50 hasn’t seen the movies. Seriously?

 What your favorite Law & Order: SVU years say about YOU.

“Official new ADA Rafael Barba is a dude-bro with anger issues. Sick of Olivia partner after partner, SVU writers just give up and make her head of the bureau. Oh, and she’s not a mom.

NOBODY: What does this say about me? I’ve never watched a single episode. I’m smart.

 Think you can last a whole day without your phone?  Good F*cking luck. It’s a little game where you “suddenly have to pee. You run to the nearest public restroom (Starbucks) and your period is two day early? Nope you don’t have a tampon.

Nobody: I’m thinking when I was in my early 20’s I didn’t need a cell phone to find out where the bathrooms were. I usually carried a tampon in my purse. And THIS is all they can come up with in-between perfume ads? Keep your phone close, and your tampons closer?

Cosmo’s official getting ready survey Brought to you by vodka, dry shampoo, and Arianna Grande. Question “Whos’ taking preparty shots with you?

Nobody: Clever way to get girls to get drunk. And I guess now you have to PLAN who your are going to take shots with.

 Are they Mad at you or something?

An article to help you find out if your best friend is mad. Their suggestion?

Have you already asked “Hey, are you mad at me.”

Nobody: Ha ha ha ha….I can’t even touch this one. This must come from years of being trained in our public-school systems NEVER to ask questions.

Or the next:

The ultimate and probably only Instagram caption crossword puzzle. Insert Cardi B. Here.

Nobody: Is it any wonder that most college girls don’t even KNOW who the Vice President is? What, no candy crush?

After those stimulating subjects, Cosmo gets to what is most important in any young’s life: Their horoscope. You CANNOT do anything without consulting the stars:

****Cosmo’s replaces church with the stars.*****

 We can guess your personality based on where your debit card is right now.

           Mine is in my purse. Cosmo says

MY energy Pretty -messy Although you appear to have it together, you have 50 unread texts on your phone and can’t remember the last time you washed your hair.

Nobody: Wrong!: I have NO unread texts on my phone and… yesterday.

The Zodia signs as Dog Breeds.

Tells you what dog to buy by what ‘sign’ you are.

Nobody: Hey, they say Gemini’s should have a pom. I HAD a pom once.

Pisces are the BEST in Bed.

Nobody: Can I see the research on this? A FISH is better than a pair of twins? Really?

Here’s exactly what your hair needs based on your sign.

NOBODY I need Pantena Sulfate free Shampoo, according to my ‘sign’. Frankly, I had NO idea sulfate was in ANY shampoo. Finally, I learned something.

Now, what’s in my WATER?

Your birth chart is your new realtor.

Yes, ‘tell your landlord the stars made you break your lease. He’ll understand. It even has a name: astrocartography.

Nobody: They are getting the girls ready to buy property on Mars, clearly.

How to astrologically trick your boss into giving you a raise.

Aries: Kick and scream. Aquarius: Say something shocking. Virgo: Keep them hydrated, (?)

Ask your Astrolobestie

Nobody: Everybody’s best friend is her astrologer. Who knew?

Well, you get the hint. Everything in your life is decided by what sign you are born under.

Clearly…such a great way to decide your life. Tea cups, star signs, and sex. Sex?

Yes, they left the sex for the end of the magazine.

LUST. So I’m a voice fetishist

If the guy’s voice isn’t good, don’t go out with him.

Nobody: What about Nancy Pelosi’s voice? Where’s the equality?

Behold: the ideal sex position for you based on your Dude’s Penis

Nobody: You have the Mushroom, the Banana, the Pencil, the Cucumber….take your pick. I was looking for the log, but they left that one out. I’ll leave out the positions they suggested. They have to find a vaccine before they tackle this one.

Purely evil revenge fantasies for your worst ex

You buy their beloved apartment from their landlord and evict them.

I masturbated every morning for a month and I highly recommend it.

Enough. Now that we have gotten down to Bill Clinton’s last legacy, I will end this.

I wonder tonight, how many of these young girls are watching GRANT on the History channel, or reading instead, the latest issue of Cosmo in order to find out what bug they can eat according to their sign.

Oh, and ONE MORE TITLE

I wiped pee on my face to cure my acne. 

Okay. We’re doomed.

(P.S. Nobody apologies for this being so long.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOBODY: Oh…yeah. Right. This is REALLY a suggestion from Cosmo. Gather you pee and spread it on your face. Feel better now?

NEXT: So you finally paid off your student loans. INVEST for you retirement because SS WON”T BE THERE

Nobody: How OLD are these girls? 75?

NEXT Your March Horoscope Said I could expect extra cash.

NOBODY Well, me and everybody else who got the stimulus check right?

 

 

 

May 27, 2020 - Posted by | American Culture, Uncategorized | ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: