Blame Mom
Nobody Cares
Listen to how this guy still talks to his own mother, and he’s 72. And listen to how his mother can’t stop laughing.
Don’t you wonder how old SHE is?
Enjoy!
Nobody Flashes: Reader’s Digest Jokes
Nobody Flashes
As promised, a day away from the gloom and doom of the world… and simply humor.
Here’s a few jokes out of that poor man’s bathroom entertainment, the Reader’s Digest:
(Thanks to RD)
Mortified doesn’t describe how Jane’s parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, “Dear, he doesn’t seem like a very nice person.”
“Mom.” Jane said. “If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” —American Legion Magazine.
Four guys are driving cross-country each from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.
“What the heck are you doing.” asks the man from Nebraska.
“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of look at them!”
So the guy from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the windows.
So the Floridian ask, “What are you doing that for?”
“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”
Inspired, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
New arrivals at the Pearly Gates are comparing stories on how they died.
First woman: “I froze to death.”
Second woman: “I had a heart attack. I suspected my husband with cheating, so I came home early to catch him. I found him alone, but I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I ran all over the house looking, from the attic to the basement, in every closet and under every bed. Finally I keeled over, dead.”
First woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer–we’d both still be alive.”
Nobody’s Email: Is It Too Late for Irish Jokes?
Nobody Gets Email
Okay, so I’m a bit late posting the Irish jokes. I was at the pub. The Irish are just now getting out. 
Enjoy!
(Thanks To Kris)
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Nobody’s Perfect: John Kerry VS Phyllis D. Jefferson
Nobody’s Perfect
This week, we have a Secretary of State, John Kerry, who seems to be on the side of “Allah”, instead of what he should be saying he is on: the Christian, “God.”
VS Phyllis D. Jefferson, who stabbed her boyfriend because he ate all the salsa.
Let’s start with John Kerry first.
By all accounts, John Kerry is trying to help Iran, the country that has said “Death to America” so many times, it might as well be a bumper sticker in Tehran. He is desperately trying to give Iran the power to develop enough nuclear bombs to blow us, and just about everybody else off the planet. And so, when he goes around saying things like Iran will get her nuke ….“If Allah Wills it.” you have to wonder why is he doing this to his own country?
John Kerry told reporter Laura Rozen this weekend that a nuclear deal with Iran is possible, “Inshallah.”
And then there’s Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was so furious that her boyfriend ate all the salsa She jabbed a knife into his stomach, AFTER she jabbed a pen into his pelvis.
While many of us might be upset that our boyfriends hogged the salsa, most of us would have just resorted to getting up off the couch and getting something else to eat.
Clearly, her priorities were not in order here. CLEARLY this woman has issues, beyond her own unfortunate birth.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the week?
Is it John Kerry, who wants Iran to get its own nuke so badly, he willing to become a follower of Muhammad? (Like his boss?)
Or is it Phyllis D. Jefferson, who was not about to let her man steal her salsa ever again?
Nobody SAYS…..
John Kerry Wins!
When you can’t see that given Iran the ability to nuke Israel off the map, after all they have done to our boys overseas, then, you truly are less than perfect, in fact…we won’t say what you are here.
I do have my reputation to consider. (What reputation, Joyanna, you might ask?)
Congratulations John Kerry! You just won the Nobody’s Perfect Award for the century if your deal goes through.
As for Ms Phyllis. I suggest she just stock up on salsa and some meds.
And…stay single. Hopefully Michelle has taken all the salsa out of the lunch room prisons. Or…maybe not.
Nobody’s Email: Tom Hanks in 8
Nobody Gets Email
____and I’m glad I got this one!
Tom Hanks…who doesn’t like Tom Hanks?
Enjoy!
(Thanks to Kim Komando)
Nobody’s Email: The Difference Between a Conservative and a Liberal
Nobody Gets Email
Ooooooo…I really LIKE this one. So true.
Enjoy!
(Thanks to Kris)
Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. If a Liberal is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. A Liberal demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A Liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.
Well, I forwarded it..
Nobody’s Email: Children Explain the Ocean
Nobody Get Email
Hey! I posted this HOURS ago, only to find out it disappeared, along with some thoughts I had, on kids and their wonderful saying…Like when my 4 year old asked me if God was Japanese.
But, now I’m playing catch up…it’s time to write tomorrow’s Nobody’s Opinion so…just the joke….enjoy!
(Thanks to JR)
Children Writing About the Ocean…
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 7)
- Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 4)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 8 )
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 8)
- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
- On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn’t smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
Nobody’s Email: Baby Elephant…First Bath?
Nobody Gets Email
Thank goodness there are people taking care of these wonderful creatures….
And in this world of people madness, there’s always the fun of babies!
Enjoy!
(Thanks to my dear friend Mona)
Nobody’s Email: It’s all about the Putt
Nobody Gets Email
Wife’s Diary:
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
Nobody’s Email: Lessons in Tolerance
Nobody Gets Email
Now that I’ve just heard, we have Sharia Law in Texas, I thought I’d post this old favorite that has gone around the web with additions each time.
Enjoy! (Thanks again to Kris)
********
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”
“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay,
“The Turban Cowboy,”
and the other, a topless bar, would be called
“You Mecca Me Hot.”
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called
“Iraq of Ribs.”
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called
“Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,”
with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”,
and on the other side a liquor store called“Morehammered.”
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us. “Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.”
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point… It is either past
your bedtime, or it’s midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
Nobody’s Email: World’s Shortest Books
Nobody Gets Email;
Yes! It’s the weekend! Time for some of my Nobody Email! And here we have the worlds shortest books:
Enjoy!
(Thanks to Kris)
*************
These books hold the world record for the shortest stories, and you must have a pretty good long term memory and be well informed to fully appreciate the humor.
World’s Shortest Books
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
________________________________________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest book of them all………………..
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
Obama to Iran: If you LIKE your Nuclear Program, You can KEEP your Nuclear Program—NO PERIOD!
Nobody Knows
The BIG unknown question of this historical day was brought up by ‘President’ Obama, who said he did not even watch Netanyahu’s speech to Congress today, and his question was: Well, he didn’t say what he would do about Iran, nothing new here. Where was Netanyahu’s solution?
Evidently, you have to wonder if Obama was reading old Hillary state department emails by mistake, because the REST of us heard the plan: Don’t do this deal with Iran, because you will be giving them the capacity to develop nukes, which put the whole world in danger. AND Israel will protect itself from its own extinction.
That’s a plan if I ever heard one. By the way, what’s Obama’s plan? Is he going to send Beyoncé to sing to the Jihadist?
While the world stood in awe at finally seeing a real leader come to America to try to educate us as to what was happening, all the time WISHING that we had a President like that, we also watched Nancy Pelosi –who was sitting there listening to Bibi, and she had tears in her eyes.
TEARS. Not of joy like the rest of us upon hearing a man who finally speaks the truth, but she was upset that a Jew could insult her so badly. Her ridiculous and obnoxious behavior alone brought more than tears to the rest of the world knowing how dangerously close we are to repeating history.
Yes, –on the floor of Congress today, Nancy Pelosi, the butcher of our American Healthcare system, was brought to tears by a descendant of Moses.
It was one of the highlights of the day.
Nobody Knows how ridiculous Obama looked today to the rest of the world, but on a scale from 1 to 10, I’d say about 200.
And speaking of scales…Hillary is getting heavier, have you noticed? Stress?
Nobody has known just how much FURTHER the corruption of the Clintons can go….but we found out today that Hillary had no intention whatsoever of getting caught pilfering the American taxpayers and other countries out of money for herself, because she made sure her emails couldn’t be found when she was Secretary of State.
First Clinton rule: Do NOT leave a paper trail, or any other kind of trail.
That’s illegal of course, but remember, Hillary is an old pro at shredding evidence. She’s almost made a career of it. Just ask Vince Foster….wait. We can’t. He’s dead. And Hillary cleaned out his trash can a few minutes after he committed, “suicide.” Nobody Knows WHY she did that, because she never told us.
Will Hillary get prosecuted for breaking the law like General Petraeus did today? After all, all he did was show some stuff to his lover. Hillary on the other hand, was committing high crimes for opening her private emails to hackers…which is how we all found out about it.
A famous hacker, hacked her emails. Ha ha ha!
Will this scandal stop her from running for President?
Nobody Knows. But if you take a bet, you can bet that it will mean Hillary will just say, “Hey! I turned them all in!” end of story.
And speaking of end of story,
Remember when Obama said, “If you like your doctor, you can KEEP your doctor…PERIOD!”
I believe Susan Rice said something to that order recently about Obama’s relationship with Israel. America will always stand with Israel PERIOD!
Warning: Whenever they end their statements with the word PERIOD—-Then you know, it’s a lie.
And that’s why, Obama will never end this statement with a period:
If you like your nuclear program, you can KEEP your nuclear program. NO PERIOD.
Obama doesn’t have to say that to Iran…it’s all in the power of his little pen and phone.
In the meantime, NOBODY KNOWS how these people came to live in America, but I’d say they are the real reason, Netanyahu is needed now, more than ever. Nobody Knows how they got this stupid, but Nobody can make a bet, they all live in Nancy Pelosi’s district of San Diego!
Enjoy! There will be no periods.
Nobody’s Email: Smidgens of Scandals That Obama Forgot
Nobody Gets Email
Here’s one that makes you think, about all the smidgens of scandals that Obama will never admit to:
(Thanks to Kris)
Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal? 
Obama’s ISIS plan: DDH— Duck, Dodge, and Hide on the Golf Course
Nobody Reports
If you want to know Obama’s foreign policy it’s given here by his dweeby…blond liberal who thinks she smart, state department representative.
“We cannot win this war by killing them.”
No, what they want to do is offer them job opportunities. Poverty is the reason that all these young men want to behead people. They just have nothing else to do. So, Obama suggests a war on poverty…not on Islam. We will NEVER be at war with Islam. But poverty— that’s a sure-fire democratic winner for raising money. After all, according to Obama, Islam is peaceful. America can help these poor, misguided jihadists, to trade in their beheading blades for a McDonalds minimum wage. Just give them a chance to get a FREE franchise, paid for by us! After all….Obama has money to blow. He collected more of your tax money last year than EVER collected in history. Obama is a citizen of the world, and these Muslims need our help.
What’s sad about this, is, —–it’s Jeb Bush’s thoughts on illegal immigration.
All those poor illegals need is jobs….and America should make sure they get those jobs.
In the meantime, this just in: Here we see three representatives of the U.S. State Department. Obama does have a REAL plan to deal with the growing forces of ISIS…
And the program, recently added under Homeland Security, is under the code name of: DDH—-
Duck, Dodge, and Hide.
About
I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in the yucky brown, one rung up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life: drummer/singer/keyboards—but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing…depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents…but that really doesn’t make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS, which i have more than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined…mostly political. (yes…my ancestors were crabby buggers)
Hopefully other nobody’s will put their opinions on my site. But, if you happen to be a somebody, you’re more than welcomed to help out.
It’s my Nobody Opinion that Nobody’s Perfect, and Nobody Cares, that Nobody Knows why Nobody Wins, and when that happens, Nobody Wonders, why Nobody Flashes, why Nobody’s Fooled, but then Nobody remembers that Nobody ALWAYS Reports the truth.
You can email me at joyanna_adams@yahoo.com
Joyanna Adams
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