The Tasmanian Crab
Nobody Wonders
If you have followed me for long, than many of you are familar with the comments of the most intelligent gentlemen that goes by the name of ‘amfortas’. Amfortas lives in the paradise of Tasmania.
And THIS is a crab…from that very place. He weights over 30 pounds and he is being sent to Enland to rest in his old age in some lovely place…and I’m sure he will miss his Tasmanian home.
Having said that: Nobody Wants to know: amfortas…What exactly are the Tasmanians doing to grow such huge crabs? I’m sure I speak for everyone!
Nobody Knows WHICH 85 Things You Need to Have in a Disaster
Nobody Knows
Since they have been predicting the end of the world, or at least a lot of really crazy riots, at least once a day you see an ad for “47 things you NEED to have!” in a disaster.
I want to know: What if there are really 48 things? What if…the world ends and you are left standing and you realize that the 48th thing that you did not get, would have saved your life? What are you going to do? Sue the guy who left out the most important thing?
What if matches are not on that list? Look what happened to Alex Baldwin in Alaska in that movie where Antony Hopkins saved his life because he happened to have matches that he could make into a compass? (And then later killed him because he was screwing his wife.)
Nobody is more of a sucker for this stuff than me. If the world blows up, I will have any book in the world that will tell you how to do everything short of a heart transplant.
I haven’t found that book yet.
BUT…I did just recently buy the book,” 37 Food Items Sold Out After Crisis.” Right now, I need the book that says, “10 things you should do FIRST if your whole area gets hits by a hail storm” because I can’t get a rental car due to the fact, that all the “rental” cars were damaged…and I didn’t get RIGHT on the phone after the hail storm and call Enterprise….so I will have to wait, till they fix the rental cars. 
Who thinks of these things? I was too busy looking at the holes in my windshield while everyone one else was on the phone making arrangements. You live long enough—I suppose it MIGHT sink in. ( I certainly hope I don’t get any dumber.) As I look through the list of important things that everyone will grab, I see that number 27 is: Hard Candy. WHY? It’s easy to carry and it gives you energy says the book. Well, so do my B-15 energy shots. They are much better for you than hard candy and give you a much quicker blast of caffeine….but, they are not on the list. But..coffee is.
I once heard a doctor say, after he had done a colonoscopy on my mother, “Wow..look at all those coffee beans!” And I was sooooo glad that I hate the taste of coffee. Coffee is going to go quick, according to my 37 Food Items Sold Out After Crisis book….so a lot of people’s stomach will be filled with coffee beans which I suppose is a good thing.
Here’s one everyone will like: Alcohol. The books says that it’s a stress reliever! Really? Who knew? 
Most importantly, alcohol is a wonderful bartering tool…says the book. I’m already practicing: “I’ll give you my Jack Daniels for your peanut butter, and 50 pounds of pasta!”
Uh…I’m….not sure about that one. Are we sending alcohol to the starving in North Korea? Maybe we should. Maybe that’s what we’re doing wrong. Maybe if those people got drunk enough they’d get rid of those idiots who are starving them.
Number 32 says stock up on “pop tarts” Now, I don’t know who wrote this book, but I’m an expert on pop tarts. You can leave them IN the box, unopened and three weeks later…viola! They are cardboard. I know. My pop tarts would break a window if I actually took them off the shelf and threw them. I like the look of the box, because it makes me look like I have a full kitchen pantry..so my pop tarts are still on my shelf. I suppose I could soak them in water if I was starving.
And then…there’s your pet. PET food is high on the list. After all, you don’t want to have to feed your dog coffee do you? You could get him drunk. That might help.
My dogs LOVE peanut butter, so peanut butter is high on my list. I figure we could all live on peanut butter right out of the jar for a good week. Cheaper than dog food. The good thing about peanut butter is it takes hours for them to get it off their teeth. It keeps them occupied which is what you would want to do in some sort of disaster….keep your dogs from barking and letting the looters know that somewhere in that house is a person with peanut butter and alcohol. 
But…what IF, you go to the grocery store and the food is all sold out? Well..the book says: go on e-bay or Craigslist and shop!
What’s wrong with this picture, I ask you?
Surely, whomever is delivering your package will just keep it. It will probably never end up at your door. If the grocery aisles are shopped out, it’s very hard to believe that our government will be feeding the postmen, and HIS family will be well stocked with your groceries.
And then, it comes down to: grow your own food. Which is okay IF the world doesn’t end in November—Then we will all starve while waiting for spring to arrive so that we can plant our seeds, which we may or may not be able to grow if Obama is still in charge.
Nobody Knows, if the peanut butter will last through the winter.
(See what I do: when I find myself stressed out about not having a car, I tell myself there are MUCH worse scenarios in life…like not having food.) And you may ask…Is it working Joyanna?
(Can you tell I’m already out the door to look for my new car?) I can’t think about the end of the world anymore today….go out and get your own book, I’m busy saving myself!)
Nobody Can Find a Poor Man’s Rich Car
Nobody’s Perfect
Me:…..
Okay, real short. I went looking at cars tonight, and my god…they all look alike. Really. I don’t care if it’s a Honda, Toyota, Ford, GM, whatEVER..row upon row of neat little sedans, made of boring colors. Gray, brown, dark grey, metallic gray, bobo gray, hissy gray, bore you again gray….. It’s as if the rich want to stand out. All the poor people have to drive boring gray cars that all look alike. Once in a while they throw in black and red just to make you think.
Now, I can tell you what I DIDN’T see tonight…These cars: They only make good designs for the rich people. The days of the sporty poor man’s Mustangs and Firebirds…are OVER.
Now everyone drives their grandmother’s car.
I mean REALLY. My grandmother had a pink caddallic…what is wrong with these “designers.”
Maybe I should just get an old truck and paint a dragon on the side.
Nobody Flashes Hail Damage
Nobody Flashes
Due to an act of God and nature, I have hail damage on my old 94 Ford Cougar. This has made me a more than usual crabby camper. My insurance company says it’s totaled. I happen to disagree, because what’s a few dings? Sure, you can’t see out of the front window, and the side mirrors are not so good, but hey…it runs. You turn it on, and it moves. The radio works. The tires are not worn. And it’s now a collector’s item since they don’t make Cougars anymore…right? Whatever the reason, today and tomorrow will be slower than usual blogging days, since you NEED a car to go LOOK for a car, and so tomorrow, I am making one of those lifetime decisions, about how nothing is ever what they tell you is it…and buying a new care is a MUCH harder decision than whether someone should kill bin Laden or NOT. That would take a nano-second…finding a new car will more time…but hopefully it will be resolved within a few days.
Just thought I’d let you know. (that’s me)
Nobody Notes: Obama Humpin’ the Dogs
Nobody’s Notes’
Once in a while, on some Sundays, I will be posting various thoughts that I have gathered from the news, just because they are there. They will mostly all be random, so I decided to simply call them, NOBODY’S NOTES, because as you can see…I’m on a Nobody Roll!
Here they are;
*******
Remember when Spike Lee tweeted George Zimmerman’s address so that the millions of blacks that had been fired up by Jesse Jackson and Obama, could go out and find him, inciting mob violence? Since it was his family’s home, Spike put innocent people in danger. If something had happened to George’s family, Nobody Wonders if Spike Lee would have been arrested? 
And when the Black Panthers put out a million-dollar bounty on Zimmerman’s head, the press reported it as some kind of interesting development, instead of what it was: an intentional felony and attempt to kidnap. Since Obama and Eric Holder did nothing, does this mean that I can put out a bounty on Spike Lee’s head? Can the NRA put out a million- dollar bounty on the Black Panthers? If it’s legal for them, it must be legal for everyone, right?—
Mr. President?
*****
Joe Biden just came out with the statement: “Bin Laden is dead, General Motors is alive.” What he fails to mention is that it really doesn’t matter that GM is alive to the United States citizens. In the future, the U.S. auto companies will put most of their new plants in Mexico and China, not the U.S. GM has announced investments of $3.67 billion in Mexico since November 2007. GM has closed five U.S. based assembly plant and put three more on standby. The plain fact is, JOE— the U.S. will lose 65 percent of the automobile market in the next decade.
Nobody Wins when Joe starts talking. Bin Laden is dead, but Joe Biden is smoking some bigtime Obama weed when it comes to GM. 
Did you know that the Japanese consumed 80 percent of BlueFin Tuna, a 500-pound fish grown in the Gulf of Mexico? Bluefins only spawns in the Gulf of Mexico and the Mediterranean, but due to the oil spill, and the stock in the Mediterranean being depleted, Mitsubishi is starting to buy from Australia and they have to repackage it, because the Japs considered Australia’s Bluefin…inferior. Nobody Knows why the Japanese are such Bluefin ftuna lovers, and why they don’t like Australia’s Bluefin..but then again, Nobody Cares. 
*****
Nobody Remembers that 1848 was a strange year: Karl Marx published the Communist Manifesto, the first women’s rights convention was held at Seneca Falls, NY,(coincidence?) Wisconsin became the 30th state, Mexico was given $15 million for California, Nevada, Texas, Utah, New Mexico and Arizona, parts of Colorado and Wyoming: and the cornerstone was laid at the Washington monument. And all of that was overshadowed by the discovery of gold in California.
La Raza’s thinks America “stole” the territory, nevertheless we did pay Mexico fair and square. But $15 million is nothing compared to what we pay and have paid in welfare to the illegal Mexican citizens that we now support. If the Mexicans want it back: let them buy it back with interest. 
*****
We are facing economic disasters and a dangerous President who is grasping power without Congressional approval, and what is the Congress doing? Investigating steroid use in baseball players. Obama COULD have had a great joke about that last night at the dinner last night, but he chose instead to make dog eating jokes. Nobody’s Perfect. And speaking of imperfections…
Did you know that David Axelrod, another Obama advisor, was born to a mother who wrote for a communist newspaper in New York City? Well, now you do.
*****
John McCain was on Charlie Rose last week, talking like Attila the Hun. Nobody Thinks that Mitt Romney might just pick him to be Secretary of Defense the way he was going on. He was upset that we weren’t bombing Syria, and Iran, and North Korea, and probably Miami. Nobody Wishes he would retire to some Swiss Mountain villa with Hillary and go get stoned. Really. And speaking of Hillary: 
Sal Alinksy wasn’t only Hillary’s mentor he was Obama’s too:
For it was Alinsky who spent his life teaching would-be radicals (like Obama) that you can say what you have to say to get over the hump, but once you’re over the hump, you do whatever you want to do. In other words, it’s okay to present yourself as something moderate, even centrist, for the purposes of securing power, and once you’ve secured that power it is perfectly acceptable to revert to who (and what) you really are. In Rules for Radicals, Alinsky demonstrates this with a look at how Vladimir Lenin was able to overthrow the government in pre-communist Russia:
Which is why at the White House dinner, Obama could joke about NOT being born a citizen, and how he loves to eat dog, and the many other things he knows we can’t touch him on. He figures…He can go on promoting his Marxist/Alinky power because…he’s over the Hump
Now, watch if you feel like it…the United States’ President, humping the dogs like Eddie Murphy at the Dogtown Oscars.
Nobody Gets Email: Sean Penn Has Met His Match.
Nobody Gets Email
Floyd sends me some pretty great video’s, but this guy has got Sean Penn’s number down to even its tiniest Sean Penn Hair follicles!
You’ll laugh at this, and then go…YEAH! Damn straight. Finally, someone who explains with great force WHY all this diversity is lame.
(I love Youtube.)
Will Hillary Be the Next VP?
Nobody Get Email
If you think that campaign video’s proclaiming Obama’s great feats from his first four years in office is all you will be seeing all summer…think again!
This was just released, to remind the American people of how much Hillary Clinton has contributed to the administration. And how nobody should mess with this tough woman…and that includes Americans. (Uh…that is when she’s not getting drunk.) 
(Thanks to Gary)
Bob Dylan & Diaphragms
Nobody Cares
Once in a while I take out a book from my library, and give it a look. I have over 7,000 books that I have collected through the years, mostly from sales at libraries ( where you could get a good hardback for 50 cents) and somewhere long ago, I had bought a book on Bob Dylan.
Like most baby boomers, I was obsessed with Dylan…bought all his records, marveled at his words. And when I became a singer myself, if my voice was not what I wanted it to be, I used the excuse “Well look, Bob Dylan can’t sing either and look how rich he got!”
Okay, that’s pretty lame..but it worked.
I’m reading the newly release book about Steve Jobs and found out that he had a two- year fling with Joan Baez mainly because Jobs was a Dylan freak too, and was thrilled to know that he was bedding the same woman that Bob Dylan had so long ago. As if, he was the same genius level as Bob.
You know…great minds think alike. 
Years later I remember being completely disgusted when I saw my old idol Bob Dylan sitting next to Bill Clinton who was bombing Kosovo at the time (and killing many innocents by sheer misses) while he gave Bob Dylan the Congressional Honor Award.
Hypocrite I thought. What’s your “Masters of War” mean to me now?
Such is fame and ego.
So anyway, I opened up my old book this morning, only to find a flyer with the “Information on the use of the Diaphragm.” and I remember having used one after I was trying to get off the pill because of the horrors that the pill was doing to my body.
I found sticking a big rubber thing up inside me rather annoying, so I didn’t use it for long. The fact that I kept the instructions hidden in a Bob Dylan book seems rather…funny to me now. (I put it back for my own historical reasons) 
My doctor at the time laughed when I told him about getting one, and he told me the Diaphragm had been invented to keep camels from getting pregnant on the long voyages through the desert. So the “men” decided to make diaphragms for the stupid women who couldn’t remember to take their pills.
Is that why they invented “the patch?” Stupid women can’t remember anything? Or was this a matter of trust? Probably both.
And so, somehow Nobody Thinks the dead Muslim woman are safe…BECAUSE….
Just how many Muslim women are using the old camel Diaphragms?
Nobody’s Perfect: Joe Biden VS Mark Abaire
Nobody’s Perfect:
We have two very minor mistakes made by two men in Florida last week. One man was a major player—
– Vice President Joe Biden visited the Florida Everglades on Monday to promote the Everglades Restoration Project and joked about his Secret Service detail threatening to shoot the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation commissioner.
Okay, whether that “joke” about having his secret service man shoot the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation commissioner came AFTER he called the Everglades, EverGators, is not known by this Nobody. I wasn’t there. So, mark another great slip of the tongue by our Vice President Joe Biden, right up there with the other slip of the tongue last week by Marco Rubio (see former posts) and it seems the heat in Florida is getting to the brains that are not used to thinking anyway.
Joe , far as we know, will be Obama’s running mate again. And we also know: he is very afraid of “gators.” 
Then–we have this man Mark Abaire, who, in my old hometown of Naples, Florida, decided to get a cup and go get himself a free soda from McDonalds. Nobody finds it comforting to know that in my old hometown, the citizens are not about to take this lying down: The employees called the police.
Mark Abaire, 52, of Naples, Florida, was arrested by Collier County deputies after leaving a local McDonald’s without paying for the soda he put in his complimentary water cup. While the felony theft charge he faces for the $1 theft sounds a bit like something out of a Victor Hugo novel, it turns out that Abaire is a repeat offender In Florida, a third-degree felony can mean a sentence of up to 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine. Abaire faces additional misdemeanor counts of trespassing and disorderly intoxication. He was held in Collier County jail with bond set at $6,500. Which is $6,499 more than the price of a soda.
Nobody Thinks the Collier County police might want to look into our VP threatening to shoot their Game commissioner, but, then again, maybe they should just invite him back to wrestle Mark Abaire for a soda.
Something tells me the two men might just hit it off.
Nobody Gets Email: Bill Clinton’s Columbian Dreams
Nobody Gets Email:
After that last video, I thought I’d give everyone a break.
(Thanks to Tom Beebe)
Nobody Cares About Friday
Nobody Cares
It’s Friday, and I was thinking about how they made such a big deal about the Shuttle being carted off to retirement to the Smithsonian last week. They kept saying it was a “great day!” But it felt more like the death of an empire. I felt like Superman was put forever into a bed of krypton. It was depressing. But…as I look around the internet, nobody but me seems to be upset about this sad day but me. 
Here we see the very latest in technology. They have added an exercise bike to the Cadillac. Yes, now you can make that wife of yours get in shape on the way to pick up the kids. 
And if you’d like to practice flying a Boeing 737, you can now buy your own, like this guy did. James Price put a 1969 Boeing 737 in his garage. It’s the only one in the world that has a flight simulator in it.
What he doesn’t have is rear view mirrors that simulate stupid people standing behind the engines to get a thrill on takeoff. 
That about sums up how I feel about this week’s news. I’ve fallen in a hole of Bazaar.
To Boldly Go..Star Treking…
Nobody Wonders–
Some times you have to boldly go and make a fool of yourself and that’s what I did today with my Trekkie friend Pattie at the Star Trek Exhibition down at the St. Louis Science center.
Here you can see, Captain Pattie remains cool and calm while I freak out at the Federation ship she just blew up. Of course, then we had to make a run for it, (Federations are never very nice when you blow them up) and Scottie beamed us back in time, while I kept the phaser on for any last-minute attacks: Pattie was checking for atmospheric weather amoralities….and we both somehow landed in Kirk’s Captain seat, which of course, we were fighting over..(because we, like smart women everywhere, were not ABOUT to pay for two pictures!)–untill we looked over and saw..two strange creatures from another planet..making strange gestures at us. I didn’t catch their names, but since we were from the future, we have no idea who those people were. They looked like a very nice married couple from some house in the Late Great America. I believe that is an American Flag behind that man. That must have been BEFORE China took it over. Anyway…
It was a rough day, and I’m glad we made it back to the future where you can still be silly, even if you’re NOT drinking. 
The Kids: Brain VS Brawn
Nobody Reports
Scientists all over the world have been frantically trying to figure out how to make humans smarter. But once in a while mother nature blurbs kids out with more brains than even our smartest people…putting a hold on brain transformation a few more years.
That’s four-year- old Heidi Hankins, of England…who recently joined Mensa. Hankins has scored an IQ of 159 – just one point beneath the estimated IQ of Albert Einstein, father of the Theory of Relativity, and comparable to the estimated IQ of Stephen Hawking, one of the most noted physicists of the modern age. But it wasn’t Heidi’s bright idea to join Mensa. Her father, Matthew Hankins, 46, a lecturer at the University of Southampton, came up with that one.
“We always thought Heidi was pretty bright because she was reading early. I happen to specialize in measuring I.Q.s in children, and I was curious about her and the results were off the scale.”
Well. of course they were, DAD! (no bias here)
Nobody Wonders: What good all that IQ will do her, when she is one day, all grown up, and happens to run into this young man? Sure, he’s just a couple of years her junior. But, for all of Heidi’s great IQ, I am willing to bet, that it won’t be the IQ that will dominate..it will be the hormones rushing through her body. That bright IQ of hers will melt into puddles if he evens comes near her and shows just how strong one human can get from doing pull-ups for 22 years straight. He could have the brains of a democrat in heat, and she won’t care.
After all…ask any man with a high IQ what happens when a pretty girl goes by.
If you are like me, you can only imagine what this kid is going to become. They should have a MENSA for superhuman boys. Nobody Thinks this father was pumping testosterones into his son’s milk bottles, and just like Heidi’s dad…was going for the records.
Enjoy!
And notice, the kids not dumb. He knows he needs to get up on the chair, but he can’t budge it. A few more pushups, and dad will have to put the Kiddie program on the ceiliing.
About
I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in the yucky brown, one rung up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life: drummer/singer/keyboards—but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing…depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents…but that really doesn’t make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS, which i have more than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined…mostly political. (yes…my ancestors were crabby buggers)
Hopefully other nobody’s will put their opinions on my site. But, if you happen to be a somebody, you’re more than welcomed to help out.
It’s my Nobody Opinion that Nobody’s Perfect, and Nobody Cares, that Nobody Knows why Nobody Wins, and when that happens, Nobody Wonders, why Nobody Flashes, why Nobody’s Fooled, but then Nobody remembers that Nobody ALWAYS Reports the truth.
You can email me at joyanna_adams@yahoo.com
Joyanna Adams
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