Joyanna Adams

Nobody's Opinion

The Next Olympic Sport: SEX

Nobody Remembers

The Olympics, we have found out, is not only a competition for sports, it also a big gigantic international orgy..

Who knew?

I’m still remembering Rocky Balboa saying he was “saving his strength.”

Okay, is that a myth? Do you get better results in your sport if you have more sex?  Does the balance beam seem a bit less…intimidating after you’ve had sex with the Australian swim team?

Enquiring minds want to know:

In a sign of what the world’s fittest sportsmen and women get up to in the Olympic village, a record 150,000 free condoms – 15 for each competitor – have been made available to them. Women’s football goalkeeper Hope Solo told the Daily Mirror: ‘There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics. I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings.'”


Okay…so…the LAST thing the officials of the world want is a bunch of international babies or sport agents finding out their main ticket to paradise went and got pregnant at the Olympics, and cannot pose for that awesome bikini picture on the cover of Wheaties.  

While everyone can imagine the hormone drives going on with the top athletes  of the world, and all those magnificent bodies floating around…this Nobody Remembers..

That once upon a time, if you needed a condom..you paid for your own.! In fact, you kept your sex life a secret.

What? What kind of message does this send to the millions of teenagers in the world looking to compete in sports? If you get to the top of your sport then you will one day end up in the biggest orgy in the world? GO FOR IT!

Nobody also wants to know…Who exactly is paying for these condoms? Is Durex donating them  in order to get a bit of “free’ advertizing? Or do the taxpayers of London pay for them? Or are they included with the price of your ticket?

This has thrown a whole new monkey wrench into my Olympic viewing.  I’m going to be matching up the Japanese male gymnasts with the American women swimmers and volleyball team, and picturing all kinds of Olympic sex stunts.

Will they be able to put on that condom flipping from the high bar into the pool?

Will the pole vaulter be able to put that condom on, BEFORE he lands on the discus thrower?

And last but certainly not least: WILL there an Olympic competition to see who can use the most condoms in a day? Will the American win that?  I’ll bet on it.

Will SEX someday be a REAL Olympic sport?

Somebody stop me….

July 20, 2012 Posted by | humor, Sports | , , | 4 Comments

Anger Management Lessons From the Masters of Golf

Nobody Cares

Aw..come on. It’s Friday! I have to give us all a break from Obama bashing.

I thought this was funny. I’ve seen men go pretty ballistic on the golf course, and I bet you have too.

Enjoy!

June 1, 2012 Posted by | Sports | | 1 Comment

The Grass is Green—What’s that Mean? GOLF!

Nobody Knows

—That I am a golf brat. It was my father’s daily pastime and my mother’s favorite game to hate. I was bought up on the fact that golf will ruin a man…My father played 18 holes a day, and 74 on weekends, even when it snowed.  My parents fought like cats and dogs for over 40 years, untill one day, after she retired from working…my mother got hooked on it to0.

Why my father didn’t get her hook on it sooner, I’ll never know. It would have saved me hours of listening to my mom complain about…”GO GET YOUR FATHER! HE”S STILL ON THE GOLF COURSE!”

Okay mom. —Yeah, the course was a few blocks away. I got pretty good at dodging golf balls.

So, I’ve seen a lot of golf shots in my day..but nothing like this.

Somebody blew on this ball…or it had some kind of magnet in it. Come on. This cannot be real….and who has a name like FUZZY? Did Fuzzy forget to take the trick golf ball out of his bag?

 

March 21, 2012 Posted by | Golf, humor, Sports | , | 2 Comments

And Now, A Word From Our Sponcer…

Nobody Wins

—if we can’t have a bit of fun after all this doom and gloom in the world, right? Right.

I’m watching the Cardinals, they are leading 8-3 against the Rangers in Texas, in the World Series. It’s only game number 3…but it’s a good feeling here tonight. The restaurants are filled, and everybody in St. Louis are noticeably happier….it’s like for a moment in time, we are back to ourselves again. Sports can do that to a town. It’s seems to be the only time when a society can say “YES…we are better than YOU!” and it’s okay.

But check out these guys..I’ve followed my son around while he played disc golf, and he can throw a frisbee pretty good…but these guys.. they are really amazing!

Enjoy!

 

October 22, 2011 Posted by | Life, Sports | , , , | 4 Comments

Rich Dad, Poor Cardinal Squirrel

Nobody Knows—

That I went to a “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” seminar with my friend Pattie, and the rich guy who wrote the book, (Robert Kiyusaki)  decided that showing up for just thirty people was waste of his time. So he sent another fellow to convince the whole crowd that…JUST TODAY, we could purchase an educational three-day program that cost $998 dollars for ONLY…$199! Before the end of the hour he said we could even bring a friend for free!

That was his first mistake. Also, about half way through he was getting very noticeably madder and LOUDER, because many of us were kind of …smirking.

He went on for a whole ninety minutes trying to tell us that we could take a “hard loan” off the internet (no credit needed) and go out, find some property cheap,fix it up…and sell it! That is how rich people get rich!

Well, I’m sure.

It’s also how Fannie and Freddie got their big name. He made it sound like people are just out there WAITING in line to buy your house. Or rent your house. What he failed to mention is sometimes, when they default they have a whole YEAR before you can kick them out…espescially if they are in the well protected class of color..ful.

The REAL rich guy, who now gets rich off of selling people three-day training programs, is doing a book tour with Donald Trump.

Oh, you were not really allowed to ask questions. So, if you have ever been to one of these things, let me say this: you have NEVER been to one as absurd as this one…and so to honor the really squirrely day we had, it seems all was not lost.

St. Louis has adopted the “squirrel” to be the Cardinal Mascot for the National League Baseball Playoffs, because some squirrel ran across the field recently and everyone fell in love with him.

And that’s what that salesman needed to pitch his big educational program. Next time I suggest: he let a few live squirrels, run around the room.  Poor guy. My friend and I couldn’t figure out, why, if this guy had made so much money off of this program, why was he so obviously upset when no one was buying?

I mean, what was he doing there? He had five restaurants to run.

I mean, how squirrely to you have to be to think that one minute the program is $1,000, and the next second..$200? And then…$100.00

We decided that if we wanted to learn about real estate we go to the local community college and take a $35 dollar course.

Not that we want to, because we don’t. And that’s why that guy hated us all. Right now, I need a squirrel hug….and a World Series Ticket.

And as my husband always says: “People in hell want ice water.”

October 8, 2011 Posted by | economy, education, Sports, Uncategorized | , , , , | 3 Comments

What Would Dizzy Dean Say?

Nobody Wonders

A Day of Baseball and other Thoughts.

Once upon a time, in a new land called New York…cricket was played in all the schoolyards. The game of cricket was THE game of the new country until 1855.  And then, it happened—in 1845 a group of upper class men would get together and play the new game of “baseball.”  They called themselves the New York Knickerbockers.  And they stood remembered proudly, until that fatal day that the New York Nines beat them 23-1.

And what a beating! The fans were hooked. Here was a game where competition was the name…winner and loser. Battles on the diamond. Mano e Mano.. New York went wild, and the new country of America was hooked.

When the Civil War came the game of baseball spread all over the country. (They had to do something in-between battles.) Soon, there were hundreds of clubs, and so the love of baseball began, but didn’t really become obsessive until one very drunk man stepped up to the plate, and set the record of home runs for one season. Babe Ruth hit 60 home runs in 1927, a record he held until 1974 when Hank Aaron broke it.

 The new game of baseball reflected the new great nation. A nation who thought it could do anything, win any war, defeat any enemy.(and they DID!) ..and the men on the old teams represented the best of us.  The men of baseball were heroes. REAL heroes. And no boy was a boy without a baseball card collection.

And so, the great stadiums went up, and the black leagues were formed and then the women leagues. And then, the night games. We were on a roll.

During the WWII, right here in St. Louis…we had  Dizzy Dean and Stan Musical. My grandmother named her last son after Dizzy Dean, (that’s my best friend, Pattie,  standing next to Dizzy’s statue) so crazy was she about baseball, and he went on to play in the Cardinals minors. This sort of stuff happened all over the country.  

Men and women lived their lives around the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Socks, and the oldest organized club, the Chicago Cubs. All the cities had a team to compete, and on late summer nights, after work..there was always the game, and the beer. It was a great way to unite a country.

Now— we have Facebook.

So what happened to it? Like the country,  baseball has changed.

The last time I had attended a game, was at the old Roman Coliseum looking Stadium, Busch Stadium, since tore down– in downtown St. Louis. It was a couple of years after Mark McGuire (a Cardinal) had slugged out a home run race against Sammy Sousa. (A Cub)  He finally broke the home run record of Roger Maris, by hitting 62 home runs in a season…it was in a game against the Cubs in 1998.

Nobody would say, that was the day, the baseball music died.

 It was the McGuire-Sosa homerun race that got the fans back into the stands after the baseball strike. But, when the nation found out that the record was broken with the help of steroids, (and smaller infields) the magic went out of the game. Baseball players, we found out, were just like our politicians….They lie, and they cheat. They were no longer our heroes.

The Mark McGuire highway has been changed back to the Mark Twain highway. The only thing interesting about the game, after the great strike of 1994, was the home run. No more double-steals. No more pitching matches. It was a suffering 4 hours and I couldn’t wait to get home that day.

I swore I’d never go to another game. BUT….free tickets? Okay, I wanted to see the new stadium at least once.  Downtown we went, my friend Pattie and I, to the NEW stadium.

There I was sitting in an air-conditioned mall of restaurants and bars at a Cardinal afternoon game. As I admired the fact that while my friend Pattie and I could have any cuisine in the world: Chinese buffets to gourmet submarines sandwiches,— with any cocktail we could imagine, while sitting in an  air conditioned comfortable 77 degrees, while watching the hundreds of HD screen TVs.. I realized that

…the game was STILL an utter bore.

The time it took to get from the first inning to the second, you could have taken an elevator to the top of the Empire State Building, got out, walked around, came back down, and it would still have been the bottom of the first, no runs, no hits, no men even chewing gum.

Really.

Here were men, being paid millions to entertain, and about all they did was walk out to their positions, and walk back. They were lame. The crowd was lame, and it seemed this brand new ballpark was all about the concessions and the liquor, where you can practically spent your next month’s car payment on a few drinks and a meal.

A bottle of ice tea was over five dollars. A bottle of beer…eight. The price of a decent ticket? Enough to feed a family for a week.

Of course, there were still baseball fans, I saw them sitting out in the heat, with looks of hope in their eyes, but who were these people I thought? We lost 9 to 3. I had more fun watching my dog sleep this morning.

Every time our big slugger Pujols came up to the plate, he caused about as much excitement as a water beetle having sex. He struck out twice, and not even with any effort on his part.

I  would have given anything to go back to the days where the men hustled off the plates, and each moment was exciting.

But now, they pose for commercials. You don’t have to move too fast to pose.

Watching our team on the field, It was as if the teams reflected our politicians in  Washington. Overpaid…and spoiled, and just plain, incompetent.

As we were leaving early we saw some guy with a McGuire tee shire on his back, walking behind us.
“So, you’re a Mark McGuire fan?” I asked.

“I used to be.” he said.

Yeah, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I used to be a baseball fan. Now the game is a place to eat and drink, and talk to your friends. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way?

Baseball is not what it used to be, but then again, neither is our country.  

 

August 25, 2011 Posted by | American Culture, capitalism, Sports | , , | 2 Comments

Nobody’s Perfect: The Mexican Soccer Team VS Frank McCourt

Nobody’s Perfect:

This week goes to the wonderful world of sports: The owner of the Dodgers, Frank McCourt, and the Mexican fans who rooted for the Mexian soccer team at the Rose Bowl. Neither one of them is worth even a tin cup for their behavior, so, who’s crimes are the most egregious?

Compare:

First: Frank and his wife might as well be in Congress, (and who says they won’t be?) because they borrowed so much money from the team, they couldn’t pay it back. Frank has declared bankruptcy just so Bud Selig can’t get the franchise. They were hoping for a contract between the Dodgers and Fox, but MLB just put a sock in that and said, “No way, Jose McCourt.”

I suggest Frank go to a bank and say he’s the Frank McCourt that wrote “Angeles’ Ashes” and he’d get a loan in a nano- second. Heck Frank, go to New York and hit up Barney Frank. Where’s that Irish temper we hear so much about?

Needless to say, he’s not very popular in Los Angeles at the moment. Maybe he should marry a hot Latino…and that brings us to the next constestant..

Second: You have the Un-American action of our most loyal American Mexican illegal’s and legals, booing our National Anthem, and booing the US team, all the while spending their welfare, uh…I mean honest earned paychecks, made here in American, on Mexican flags. We give them lots of goodies, and when they boo our country, we can get pretty mad. But should we?

Most people know that Los Angeles is little Mexico. Next to Mexico City, Los Angeles has the biggest Mexican population on the planet. Our politicians have always encouraged the takeover of California. I read this comment from a man on Glenn Beck’s site. “LA looks just like Mexico, back in 1986, I went to San Diego,— at night it’s like all the white people went hiding…It felt like I was the only white guy left.”

Good thing he wasn’t on the American soccer team when he said that.

But, I think what surprised everyone, (except THIS nobody) was the fact that English was left out of the game entirely. A player on the American teams said this:

“CONCACAF should be ashamed of themselves,” Howard said. “I think it was a [expletive] disgrace that the entire post match ceremony was in Spanish. You can bet your (   ) that if we were in Mexico City, it wouldn’t be all in English.”

He has a point. The politicians might think they are going to keep English Only in the Washington DC, capitol, but, invasions tend to go the way of the many.

This comment…again, from Beck’s site:

Well, what does anyone expect after decades of indoctrination into one-worldsim? We’re all the same, right? No difference in blacks, Latinos, Muslims, right? They’ll all adopt our Constitution after they come here, won’t they? They must be just like the Western European immigrants who adopted our culture. Let’s just give them a chance.
Fact is, those Mexicans in LA will never adopt our culture, nor will the Muslims of the blacks who, by the way, have had over 3 centuries to adapt, but due to militant agitators, will continue to be more belligerent. The hateful left will do anything to continue us down the path towards a socialist state. Any attempt to stop illegal’s or to remove them will be met with shouts of “racist” or “bigot”, and you all know it. This, unfortunately will end in a violent clash between mostly white patriots and a few (by comparison) blacks who see where this is headed. There will be no letting the ones who have created this off the hook when they come to you for protection. You have little time to prepare yourself both mentally, physically, and to also have the means to protect yourself and your family.

Strange. The comments on people’s sites are starting to have more logic than the writers…have you noticed?

So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect this week?
El Presidente Obama of course…again!

June 27, 2011 Posted by | Hispanic, Sports | 2 Comments

Spitting on Tiger Woods

Nobody’s Perfect: Tiger Woods— the man who every true golfer wished they could reincarnate into, used to be the closest thing to THE golf god of all golf gods. Tiger was held up on the highest pedestal ever built in the record halls of sports history, remember? I must admit—I was so sick of all the idol worship that the media poured out about Tiger,  like pools of giant whipped cream, even I wanted to see him fail.

Nobody is THAT perfect I told myself. And I was right.

Tiger was dealt another low blow this week.

As If being a all-around lying, manipulating, and low-down sack of golf-club-plugs to his wife and two kids by messing around every other night wasn’t enough… it seems, once off the pedestal of perfection, you are full game for the rest of the world.

What goes up….must come down.

The European Tour in Dubai just fined Tiger for (I can’t believe I’m saying this) for spitting on the holiest of holy places…the green.

Good thing he didn’t kiss the ball, he might have been arrested.

It was said: “somebody now has to come behind him and maybe putt over his spit. It does not get much lower than that.”

Oh…that’s low. Tell me, how long does spit stay on the top of grass? How long before it evaporates? What are the odds that other golfers are going to hit it? And how can spit actually effect the trajectory of a golf ball traveling as fast as it does…and as we all know, there are other factors to consider…how do you tell spit from bird droppings?

Where’s the scientific proof that Tiger can beat his fellow golfers with a mere hunk of a spit wad?

Come on. You can’t be serious. How many times have we seen baseball players spit on the bat, the glove, the first baseman, the plate, the ball, the umpire…and we DON’T want to know what else.

On the other hand…golf is a rich man’s game, and there are rules. The elite and rich, do not look kindly on one of theirs acting like Larry the Cable Guy, even if he is driving a Mercedes.

This little spit fine is probably nothing to Tiger. What’s IS going to hurt him much more, is the cancelling of the “future” golf course in Dubai, designed by him. That was cancelled. because, Tiger is no longer number one.

Tiger’s brand has been tarnished. Tiger is becoming the Charlie Sheen of the sports world.

The Americans will forgive him. After all, he was the best. But, when it comes to the big money in Dubai? The Arabs (and all of those who have been just waiting to see him fall) are out to get him.

Tiger is going to have to add another bad habit to his sex addiction problem to solve.

Spitting.

You go Tiger…you can do it.

February 14, 2011 Posted by | Sports | , | 7 Comments

Nobody’s Perfect: Christina Aguilera’s Gets Hit by Ramparts of “What?”

Nobody’s Perfect: According to most Americans, (at least the hand-picked ones on TV) Christina Aguilera’s most imperfect moment was forgetting the words while singing the National Anthem at the SuperBowl. They found it…downright insulting. But, guess what? This nobody watched her sing it and did not catch it, because I was just trying to find the melody.You’d think that MOI…a professional singer for over thirty years, would have caught it.

Nope. I knew something was funny, but hey, aren’t we all used to this by now? I still don’t understand a word Mick Jaguar says when he sings, but it really doesn’t matter does it? Ever since “Louie, Louie” America has been in a “Who cares, let’s dance!” mode.

I am still amazed at how singers like Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey can make up notes right out of thin air that sound nothing like the song at all. It’s one of the reasons I never got into jazz. I just can’t find the melody. After years in the music business, growing up on the Beatles and Beethoven, and Elvis, and my parent’s Benny Goodman, the Latin music, sounds of Herb Albert, and the Motown classics, I was trained to LOOK for the melody. Like a person’s height and weight, it’s the backbone of the song.

Then the art of improvising became popular…and with it…jazz. Miles Davis…I’m sorry. He sounded like a sick cow looking for a hole to die in. Everyone said he was a genius,, but I always thought it was…well, I call jazz a sort of musical masturbation. These musicians go into their own world of “Ooooooo… feel it, I’m expresssioning my inner mojo, I’m an artieessst…watch me..oooo…pass the joint man, here it comes!”

(sorry, I get carried away)

The popular black singers took jazz into their vocals. Mariah Carey came on the block, knocked Whitney Houston back into drugs, and THEN Christina Aguilera has to try to out vocalized Mariah Carey, and we are left going “What song is this now?” They all start out on the first note, and then by the time they are finish it’s usually a different song.

And that’s what threw me. I actually think she was trying so hard to make up notes and hit them on key that the notes became more important for her than the words. Not to mention, maybe she had a bad Taco at lunch— that will do it to anyone.

Take it from a “singer” who had to try to imitate this stuff— Christina is a master at it…the problem is, she is so good you can actually understand what she is saying, unlike many of the other popular singers of her day. And so, when she makes a mistake, it sticks out.

To her credit she apologized and that makes her, a class act. Aguilera said,:

“I got so lost in the moment of the song that I lost my place. I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.”

NOBODY’S PERFECT: Next time Christina…sing it straight. You can put in a few of those colorful runs up and down the scale, and hit that high note at the end…..but REMEMBER…
This is ONE song to be sung by a nation…it’s not just about you and whomever you are trying to impress that you really ARE the queen of vocal aerials acrobats.

We already know you can sing…it’s just that it’s the National Anthem…the words DO have meaning, even if they are ramparts.

February 8, 2011 Posted by | Entertainers, Sports | , | 7 Comments

Nobody Flashes Football

Nobody Flashes:

To all those that are having a great time tonight…here’s a few, not too politically correct jokes…and a special rendition of a great jump.

Oh…and Happy 100th Birthday to the memory of President Reagan, and all those that loved him.

Oh…and I’m betting on the same team that Shirley bets on to win the Superbowl.

2011 Football Scouting Report

Wayfron P. Jackon: 6’6″, 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.—-Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most “you knows” during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron ca print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee.

Quinticious Jenkins: 6’3″, 220 lbs. Running Back, set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. —Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19″ TV under each arm. Signed with Aubum.

Roosevelt “Dude” Dansell: 6’1″, 195 lbs. Running Back, from Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. —Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as “red brick.” Signed with the University of Houston.

Woodrow Lee Washington: 6’8″, 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he’s the oldest of 21 children. —Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: “The dude said somthin’bad ’bout my Momma.” On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20. Signed with the University of Oklahoma.

Willie “Night Train” Smith: 6’6″, 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. —Thinks the “N” on the Nebraska’s helmets stands for “Nowledge,” but still meets this school’s stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT’s. Signed with the University of Alabama.

Tyrone “Python” Peoples: 6’10”, 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillac’s. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Signed with University of Miami.

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6’10”, 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn’t know the meaning of the world “fear.” (Doesn’t know the meaning of many other words either.)

February 6, 2011 Posted by | Military, Sports | | 5 Comments