Nobody Reports Important News About Santa
Nobody Reports
I have urgent news…this could perhaps be as important as the questions concerning Obamacare. It seems, Nobody Knows what the real Santa Claus looks like! Megyn Kelly started this. She insists Santa is white. This is racist isn’t it? Sure it is! …but before you get upset about this important subject, I think it’s time we all took a vote, Nobody Suggests that to end this debate, everyone just pick a Santa he or she likes the best, and write to him. After all, it’s Christmas. If you don’t get your present, pick a different one next year. Sooner or later, you’ll get your present. (Hint: If you are black, you must choose carefully.)
Nobody’s Email: Laws of Logic
Nobody Flashes Email
If you can find anything that is NOT true about any of these laws, let me know. Anyone who has lived long enough, knows they are absolutely true.
And feel free to add any of your own…
Law of Mechanical Repair–After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity—Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers–If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Surpermarket Law–As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
Variation Law–If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath–When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters–The Probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result–When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics–The severity of the inch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena–At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the isle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also very surly folk.
The Coffee Law–As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers–If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces–The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument–Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. (Also known as the Nancy Pelosi Law)
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance–If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking–A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy–As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctor’s Law–If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor by the time you get there you’ll feel better….But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
(Thank to my liberal friend JR, who ALSO added: If you don’t forward this, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.)
Nobody Notes that my friend JR uses the Law of Logical Argument every chance he gets. That’s why we just email each other. If we met in person, we’d be on the nightly news
Obamacare Takes Your Money for Nothin’
Nobody Cares
“Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits is one of my favorite songs. I was searching on YouTube for the stupid Obamacare video rap, and I couldn’t find it, but I did find this one.
I believe, it was fate.
Enjoy!
Nobody’s Fool: Jon Stewart
Nobody’s Fool
Here’s a first: Jon Stewart wins the Nobody’s Fool Award this week for putting forth the perfect comedy routine about the lies Obama told about the NSA.
He goes on the theme: “If You Like Your NSA Spy, You Can Keep Your NSA Spy.”
Congratulations Jon! Hanging out with Bill O’Reilly is actually helping you become a more ‘enlightened’ comedian….
Now…if you would just get your friend Bill Maher into rehab….
Eric Schmidt: Still Creepy…
Nobody Flashes
Ha! Here’s a good laugh on a Monday afternoon…
The ‘creepy’ Google guy, Eric Schmidt, thinks that Amazon should not be allowed to use drones to deliver packages. This from a guy who will BAN your conservative writings against democrats on his Google website. He said THIS in Fortune magazine, and I quote:
“How would you feel,” Google (GOOG) chairman Eric Schmidt asked in the Guardian last April, “if your neighbor went over and bought a commercial observation drone that they can launch from their back yard. It just flies over your house all day. How would you feel about it?”
To which I grabbed THIS quote from Philip Elmer Dewitt:
How would I feel about a drone that could snoop on me? Probably the same way I’d feel about a company that monitored all my online activities — the e-mail I send and receive, the websites I visit, the places I visit, the products I buy, the YouTubes I watch, etc. etc. — and sold that information to advertisers.
Yes, creepy Eric thinks that only governments should have drones because according to him, terrorists could get one and use it.
Ha! They could do that ANYWAY. If a terrorist wants a drone, or a missile, or guns, I’m sure all he has to do is hook up with the Libyan army (who have all those US goodies) and march across our border. And he could get all those things in Mexico!
You have to laugh when one of the biggest spy networks on the planet is worried about other people spying. Why do I call him creepy? He also said this:
The Google policy on a lot of things,” he told attendees at the Aspen Institute’s Washington Ideas Forum, “is to get right up to the creepy line and not cross it.”
The question is: What is Eric’s definition of creepy?
So therefore, every time I see Eric Schmidt I can’t help myself…I think of this guy:
Obama’s, Eagles, Kardashians….
Nobody Cares
I’m in one of my…$&% moods today. They don’t come often but I get this way when the BS is so overwhelming it makes you want to drive to the Grand Canyon and get lost for a week.
Okay. So— it’s too cold.
Today, besides not being able to find the angel topping for my Christmas tree…(I’ll find it the day AFTER Christmas) I am already tired of hearing about Nelson Mandela. And of course, the Obama’s, who did not go to Margaret Thatcher’s funeral, are flying to Africa (on our dime) to attend the funeral of Mandela in hopes that some of that pixie dust will rub off, and he can somehow crown himself the new black messiah. And by the way…I thought I read somewhere that Mandela refused to see Obama—- If he had seen him, I’m sure we’d be seeing that picture everywhere.
I’m sure the Obama’s are excited just to be able to get out of the country they really don’t like living in.
Another thing that gets my blood boiling today was the news about Obama trying to kill off our eagles.
The liberals who are all about ‘saving the planet” and the polar bears, could care less about eagles.
Hypocrites.
This just in from Drudge:
The Obama administration is about to approve a rule that will ensure the death of golden and bald eagles for the next 30 more years.
Hundreds of thousands of birds die each year flying into the deadly turbine blades atop the soaring towers that compose wind farms. The rule will give wind farms thirty year permits for the “non purposeful take of eagles-that is where the take is associated with but not the purpose of, the activity.’’ The take of eagles is also a euphemism for the slaughter of them.
In the 1970’s the bald eagle was all but extinct. There were only about 50 known to exist. Some very caring humans worked very hard to bring them BACK . And they did. And now, this STUPID idea of wind mills (I don’t care what they say…it’s stupid) will kill off thousands of birds. And by the way, for the first time in history the monarch butterflies did not appear in Mexico this year…they came staggering in…Elephants are being slaughtered in Africa by the hundreds…
Where oh where are all the liberals bleeding hearts about the OTHER creatures that live on the planet?
Obama be damned. So, he wants to not only change America, but destroy the symbol that has always represented it. What’s the new symbol going to be…a drone with his picture on it?
And last but not least, the Kardashians have released their 2013 Christmas Card which is made to represent the illuminati:
It has nothing to do with Christmas, but everything to do with the fact that the Kardashians are much like the Federal Reserve: they can make money out of thin air. And they walk on trash. Bruce Jenner is in a tube.
You figure it out.
For all those readers that wonder about my sanity, and whether I checked background information on this important subject, let me say right up front—-I have NEVER watched that show. Life is too short. I never saw an episode of Dallas either.
What does that mean? I don’t even want to know.
And that’s my Nobody Cares bitch for today. Sorry. I’ll crawl back into my hole now.
—-Which brings me to an idea: maybe I should put a “Donate to Joyanna’s lobotomy” on my site. I could then just go out an BUY a new topping for my tree.—-
—–An angel riding an eagle Christmas tree topper!
Wait…I could MAKE them and sell them…
(STOP Joyanna! Now I know what happens when you stare at the Kardashian’s Christmas card too long.)
Obama the Great Pretender..
Nobody Wonders
I got this in a email…and it’s going around the web. If you haven’t seen it, do.
I tried really hard to try to remember who did this song originally—
The Four Tops?
The Box Tops?
The Spinners?
Anybody?
Well, it’s pretty funny…especially who he befriends on Facebook!
Enjoy!
Can We STOP Talking About Gold for just a few Minutes?
Nobody Knows
I really loved reading Wayne Allyn Root’s book, “The Ultimate Obama Survival Guide” but I’m beginning to see a pattern everywhere— wherever I turn: It doesn’t matter who I am reading or watching on TV, the guru’s of everyone say the same thing….BUY GOLD! Buy gold, and if you can’t buy gold, buy silver.
Simply because the world market is a big global Ponzi scheme about to collapse. They ALL say it. It’s getting to be that you can’t turn on anything without hearing it: BUY GOLD!
Hey, I want to buy gold, but I can’t afford it, so I bought myself some Christmas lights to cheer myself up.
In one of the chapters in Wayne’s book, a master of international finance, Mr. Kip Heritage, suggests that you buy cheap real estate, undervalued stocks and failing businesses,—after you buy a lot of gold. I could afford a dollar lot in Detroit right now…I’ll think about it, Kip.
Glenn Beck, is always talking about his gold. And how everyone should be buying gold. In fact, put your gold out of the country so our government can’t get it.
Better yet, move to Singapore and drop your citizenship if you must. Oh…and buy oil too.
(Sigh.)
Has anybody bothered to tell any of these guru’s that the majority of Americans make on average, $50,000 a year, and they can’t even afford health care, let alone an ounce of gold? Nobody Knows who in the world these guys are talking to, because it’s sure not the average person. And yet, they keep talking about it as if it’s as affordable as buying a pair of new shoes.
Sure, maybe we could afford a few coins,….but really? In my neighborhood? Some of the gangs have more gold on their guns and would just shoot me for it. 
The rich already know this stuff, and they already are doing this, stocking up on gold, so tell me—are they that stupid that they don’t realized that most people’s only asset is their house, and they would have to sell their only asset to invest in the amount of gold these guys are talking about? Do they really want to keep torturing us with the fact that THEY can buy gold, and we can only buy…milk?
What? Where’s the compassion here?
Nobody Knows why they keep preaching to all the people who couldn’t afford to buy gold if they wanted to, but Nobody Thinks the reason they are doing it, is because they themselves are making a LOT of gold just talking about it.
You KNOW I’m right.
Astounding Discovery! Men and Women…are Different!
Nobody Reports
It’s in. Finally, after billions have been spent on trying to prove that women are just the same as men, somebody figured it out. (Although, wisely, these scientist will not reveal their names because of the fear of the feminist backlash.)
Hey, our brains are different. Who knew?
According to this article in The Independent
Researchers found that many of the connections in a typical male brain run between the front and the back of the same side of the brain, whereas in women the connections are more likely to run from side to side between the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
This also explain why men can skate backwards while watching a hockey puck.
Along with that extreme advance in medical science, they gave us a few pictures, where we look deeply into the different brains: The scientists decided to look into this study simply because they couldn’t understand why their wives did not understand why their husbands would rather watch football or play video games than take them shopping. It also explains why the cell phone was invented. Women need to communicate while they’re shopping. 
But….there is one finding that this nobody found puzzling:
“Men tend to outperform women involving spatial tasks and motor skills – such as map reading – while women tend to better in memory tests, such as remembering words and faces, and social cognition tests, which try to measure empathy and “emotional intelligence”.
Every man I have ever known could not read a map. Worse…they refuse to read maps, ask directions, or even READ directions. It’s been a problem since Attila the Hun got lost in the Swiss Alps. If only he had listened to his wife, China today, would have found their way to the moon by now, and we would all be speaking Chinese.
Anyway, I don’t know why we are all so excited by this news, because, according to other scientists we have the brains of pigs and monkeys. Nobody Thinks they will soon find out that pigs brains are wired front to back, and chimps brains are wired side to side, because everybody knows, chimps are much better communicators than pigs. And pigs like to eat. Lots.
And that’s why they deserve to be citizens and given Obamaphones.
Male: Female Brain
Nobody’s Perfect: Should a Pig/Monkey Get a Third Term?
Nobody’s Perfect
This week we have two professors who, after years of studying, thinking, contemplating, teaching, and generally just having a hard time staying off various forms of crack, have decided to grace the world with two very astounding revelations:
Let’s start with the not- so- original one from :ProfessorJonathan Zimmerman.
In The Washington Post, Jonathan Zimmerman, a history professor from NYU, has written an article claiming that all of America’s problems would be solved–GET THIS–if only we would allow Barack Obama to run for a third term!
He wants to amend the Constitution and abolish presidential term limits.
Yes…amazingly enough, Professor Zimmerman is a HISTORY professor, and never learned that when you put a narcissistic Marxist into power, historically speaking, bad things happen. Hitler, Mao, Stalin…my eight grade teacher Ms. Barry….yes—-. people die, starve, and…. it’s not a pretty sight. And yet the good professor thinks we should get rid of term limits all together and let Obama serve as long as he keeps getting elected.
And you know what? I’m certainly glad these two professors decided to make these astonishing revelations in the same week, because Professor Zimmernan’s ideal fits perfectly with the next man’s revelations made by Professor——
Gene McCarthy. Not since Hitler declared the German race to be superior to all others have we had a man with such a fantastic discovery: The human race evolved from a pig and a monkey. Yes…it’s true.
To Athens geneticist Gene McCarthy, pigs used to conjure filth and greed. But after years of research into this species, McCarthy sees a kindred spirit. Pigs, according to his Hybrid Hypothesis published last month on his website, Macroevolution.net, helped create humans by mating with chimpanzees. As you probably know, pig heart valves and pig skin tissue are used in surgeries because of their compatibility with the human body.
McCarthy with HIS Pig/ape hybrids
Evidently Gene can’t PROVE this pig DNA…he’s just going by some his own common sense observations. I suspect he has been observing mostly human mating habits and Presidential behavior.
And this brings us to the obvious: Should we allow a pig/ape evolutionally subject even INTO the White House?
So who wins the Nobody’s Perfect award for the week? Professor Zimmerman’s idea that Obama should be allowed to stay in the White House as long as he wants? Or Professor McCarthy’s insistence that people’s ancestor’s are pigs and apes?
Neither: the Idea that trumps them both is that global warming is caused by man. It’s just about as stupid as thinking that we evolved from pigs and monkeys. Maybe some alien just happened to like to cook.
Congratulation Al Gore! You win the Nobody’s Perfect award again.
BUT…I suggest we all have an open mind. We might mix some DNA from Bill Clinton and Obama and see if we get an improvement. Or better yet, just put a sexy pig and a monkey in the White House…and bring them out on the 4th of July!
America, would be a lot better off.
People are Aware of Presidential Stress…What about OUR Stress?
Nobody Flashes
One of the most important things a patriot can do for his country, is to make video’s of its citizens, and show them to the world. (NOT) —-Mark Dice does a fine job, making American people look just about as clueless as a beach ball on top of a snowy mountain top.
Well.. of course they’re clueless!…but I’m not so sure we should be bragging about it.
It’s not that the Obama’s wouldn’t get a divorce, it’s that if that were to happen, just about everyone and their grandmother would be talking about it. Secondly–it would never happen. China could take over the White House, and whomever was in office, would carry on the proud Presidential tradition of “NO DIVORCE ALLOWED.”
The reasoning? It would cause the nation too much stress.
A gay couple wouldn’t even be allowed to divorce. Mark mentions JFK, the Clintons, and I’d like to add the Bushes. I really don’t think they even live together, but they keep up a good appearance. Notice, when they were on Jay Leno a week ago, Bush bragged about getting Laura a pearl necklace, but they sort of shook hands very lightly when they met. And they came out separately. Hey, I read the tabloids…which in my Nobody’s Silly Opinion now has more truths in it than the New York Times.
Check out the guy riding a DOG on his bike. As if that poor thing had a choice in the matter.
If you want a small chuckle, Mr. Dice is good for it. I don’t know how he keeps a straight face, do you?
Nobody’s Perfect: Rep. Trey Radel VS Jermaine Lloyd
Nobody’s Perfect:
Cocaine. The rich get a little money, and they just can’t seem to help themselves—- They love to do cocaine. Obama did so much cocaine throughout his life, his sweat is being collected by his buddy Mr. Love and being sold on e-bay for over a $1000 dollars a drop. (Just kidding, his poll numbers are going down. His sweat has dropped in value.)
And last week, we had Rob Ford, who had so much coke flowing through his blood, he was knocking over old ladies.
So this week, on our Nobody’s Perfect list of losers, we have a somebody (a politician) vs. a nobody. (not sure what this guy does) The world is filling up with somebody’s and nobody’s and comparing the two is always educational, don’t you think?
Let’s start with the politician first: Rep. Trey Radel, simply because he’s from a city that is close to my old home town of Naples, Florida:
(Newser) – A freshman Republican in the House now has much bigger worries than a re-election campaign. Rep. Trey Radel, who represents Florida’s Fort Myers area, has been charged with misdemeanor cocaine possession in DC, reports Politico. The Miami Herald describes Radel as a “libertarian-leaning” Republican in line with the Tea Party and says the 37-year-old might have caught a break by getting busted in Washington: He would have faced felony charges in Florida. His maximum penalty in DC would be 180 days in jail and a $1,000 fine if convicted.
Right! He got busted in D.C., where, as far as we know, half the city is on crack! They sure act like it. He has a wife and a son, and I’m sure two very proud parents somewhere in Ft. Myers wondering how this could have happened.
And then there’s the nobody: Jermaine Lloyd, who was busted because he was running around naked with a turban on his head.
Deputies had to use force Sunday to subdue a naked man wearing only high heels and a turban after spotting him hiding behind a tree trying to put on pink women’s panties and pantyhose.
The bag he dropped had cocaine and marijuana in it, but it’s the pink panties, high heels, and the turban that make this man so special. Jerome has taken diversity to a whole new level.
So, who wins the Nobody’s Perfect award for the week? Aha! My first tendency is to give the award to Jerome, because Trey was just cokin…not running around naked with a Turban on his head.
On the other hand, Trey is being paid to represent the good people of Ft. Meyers. As a tax-paying citizen of Lee Country, I’m offended that my representative is hanging out with the people in Washington.
Unlike the motto of Las Vagas: What happens in Washington, doesn’t stay in Washington. In fact, it usually ruins the whole country. He should know that.
So, Congratulations Trey! You win, the Nobody’s Perfect award for the week, for basically not knowing that Obama is out to get anyone who is associated with the Tea Party. Everyone else is allowed to do cocaine…just not you. Trey is already being audited as we speak.
(Just kidding, I have no idea.) But I’d like to add him to the list of other moronic politicians: 
What is Miley Cyrus Trying to Tell Us?
Nobody Flashes
Everyone waited in anticipation for Miley’s Cyrus’s performance on the MTV Music Awards. Would she Twerk? Tweet? Trip? Yes, the whole world anticipated an even more salacious sexual move from Miley. Would she be like Madonna, and pull out a bed and have sex onstage?Lady Gaga had that covered having sex in the Oval office where she told the rapper President he could do whatever he wanted with her body.
Miley instead, knew she could not compete with the acts before her, so what did she do? She presented herself as a…what? A big Pussy!
We saw a giant kitten in space viral explosions, where the kitty cried, just like Miley. It was a kitty acid trip from the sixties. The Grateful Dead meets Kitty Power!
I thought it was a bit—what? So here’s a few wonderments as to what exactly Miley artistically was trying to tell us and what this could possibly mean for her career:
- She is wearing the new Miley pussy cat apparel to be sold soon in your local Wal-Mart.
-
She is starting a new designer jewelry line, where the largest bracelet will be selling for $500 at Macy’s.
-
She wants everyone to know that she is really just a sweet pussy cat that everyone has misjudged as being a slut and she truly does have feelings.
Those were MY first thoughts. Now…my husband just walked into the room, and said this:
1. Which litter box would you change?
2.Which one licks itself?
3.Who coughs up the biggest hairball?
4. Bet you the one on the right is already spaded.
5. Whose going to have the biggest litter?
I try not to encourage him.
Nobody Gets Email: A Lovely Thought
Nobody Gets Email
You have to laugh at the wuzzie liberals, who are against gun control, but not killing the people they don’t like, like conservatives. Having said that, this IS just a fun joke, sent by a liberal,…and so, I can have visions of Harry Reid, until they invent a Google Eyeglasses that can zap brain thoughts.
Enjoy!
(Thanks to my liberal friend, JR)
This one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without also helping himself. –Ralph Waldo Emerson
In case you are having a rough day, here’s a stress management technique recommended in a recent psychological journal. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Your hands are dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.
See? It worked. You’re smiling. You feel better already
Nobody Notes: on another subject altogether, I just HAD to share this picture of the other lamp I bought yesterday to go along with my King Tut statue in my library…cool huh?
About
I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in the yucky brown, one rung up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life: drummer/singer/keyboards—but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing…depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents…but that really doesn’t make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS, which i have more than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined…mostly political. (yes…my ancestors were crabby buggers)
Hopefully other nobody’s will put their opinions on my site. But, if you happen to be a somebody, you’re more than welcomed to help out.
It’s my Nobody Opinion that Nobody’s Perfect, and Nobody Cares, that Nobody Knows why Nobody Wins, and when that happens, Nobody Wonders, why Nobody Flashes, why Nobody’s Fooled, but then Nobody remembers that Nobody ALWAYS Reports the truth.
You can email me at joyanna_adams@yahoo.com
Joyanna Adams
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