All We Want For Christmas Is For Them To Come Home!
Nobody Gets Email
If you haven’t seen this…now’s the TIME!
ENJOY!
(Thanks to Rocket Man)
Mr. President…What are you going to do?
Nobody Flashes:
Hey! Let’s start off the weekend right. Here’s another brilliant satire from one of my favorite patriotic baby boomers., Ray Stevens. Can I adopt him?
ENJOY!
(Thanks to Tom Beebe)
Sarkozy and Merkel–Who Knew?
Nobody Knows–
What Sarkozy and Merkel were saying to each other…so let’s guess.
Sarkozy: Ooooweee madame! We are just about to make our dreams come true! I will get Sardina, and I will get to build my dream house…and you..YOU my dear woman, can have all of Italy!
Merkel: I know! I know! It is wondurful! Timmy has promised to give us all that money that hisss Fed put into the IMF last year! Billions of American Dollars! And the EURO…will survive, and America will fall! He just told the Americans that they don’t have to bail us out! Can you BELVIE it?!
Sarkozy: Can yu belieeeve how stuuuupid he is? Oh my Good. Heee is the most simply men I have ever seen. But…ieeets okay. Nobody believes him anymore. Now, we will never have to worry ever again my dear, you are such a wonder. I could NEVER have done this without yu. France will love you forever…
Merkal: Noooo…noooo
Sarkozy: Kiss me…come on…
Merkal: NO…no….(heh,heh) I mussst not.
Sarkozy: Will you com to my leeetttle island?
Merkal: Will YOU bring along a case of Condi’s Burgandy? I’ll will seeeeeeeeeeeee…..
Sarkozy…Ooooooo I will bring the finest Burgandy in all of France! I could KEESSS you!
Merkal: I know…I know…
(Nobody makes this stuff up)
The REAL Story of the Muslim Veil
Nobody Reports
Ever wonder why the women in Muslim nations have to cover their bodies up? Well, here’s the reason:
Long ago, AFTER Jesus had quite a good following, there was a guy named Muhammad who claimed that some pesky angel just kept bothering him. He was a merchant in Mecca and wanted the Jewish tribes in the city to respect him. So, he told them of his “prophetic” visions. He pretty much said this:
“I keep getting this visit by some angel. I have NO idea if he’s good or bad, but he keeps smacking me around and he keeps wanting me to be the apostle of God. This is REALLY depressing me, what should I do?”
Evidently they didn’t give him much advise so he asked his wife, “Khadija… What’s wrong with me?”
Like the brave warrior jihadist that he was, he ran and hid under a blanket. No wife wants to see her husband spending his days under a blanket, so Khadija went to see a man named Waraqa. And somehow Waraga just knew that this was the angel Gabriel.
Khadija, decided to make a test, a sure-fire way to know if this “vision” was good or bad. 
So…she made Muhammad sit on her left thigh.
“Can you see him.?”
“Yes.”
Then she made him sit on her right thigh.
“Can you see him.?”
“Yes.”
Then she made him sit on her lap, and she cast off her veil while he was sitting on her lap.
“Can you see him?”
“No.”
Happy about her little test she said, “O son of my uncle,(nothing like incest) rejoice and be of good heart, by God he is an angel and not Satan!”
Muslim’s to this day insist upon the veiling of women because of this underlying assumption that the sight of an unveiled women is so distressing that’s why the biggest selling items in all the Saudi Arabia, (next to Lamborghini’s’) is the selling of lingerie at Frederick’s of Hollywood in all the malls.
The sight of an unveiled woman is so disturbing, so sinful, that it cases angels to flee. Therefore, the Muslim men do not want any angels spoiling their visits with their wives..especailly Gabriel who we all know, was pretty good-looking and hard for any woman to resist.
Good God.
First off—Why was Khadija covered in a veil BEFORE the “All women must now wear veils.” was put into law?
Second—How did the angel even see her face uncovered with Mohammad sitting in the middle of her lap?
Or was he a pipsqueak?
And if you were a man, would you like telling that story to your children? “Yes, the great warrior had to sit on his wife’s lap..she made him do it.”
Is it any wonder why the Muslims hate the Jews and Christians? Moses didn’t get Gabriel, he got God himself talking to him through a burning bush. Jesus wrestled with Satan himself and won. Muhammad was of no holy birth, why didn’t Gabriel come down and seed HIS mother?
Muhammad had to sit on his wife’s lap after he crawled out from underneath a blanket!
What a wuss.
Okay, I’ve done it now. Making fun of three religions in just one day might be a record…but the story is true, according to The Truth about Muhammad by Robert Spencer.
If I was a Muslim woman, I would think it was a pretty lame excuse for a law that keeps you smothered in clothes when it’s 120 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and I might argue to my husband that I’d like to do that little test with him to see if it really is true.
Make him sit on your lap.
You could cover yourself up until the angel appears himself…and if that angel appears (hopefully it’s Gabriel, but any one would do) then you could promise to obey and suffer your husband’s wishes forever, but if that angel doesn’t appear? Then I’d insist that since it’s okay to wear sexy outfits at night, then it should be no problem during the day.
Proof is in the Arabian Lap so to speak, and I’m SO glad I’m not a Muslim woman.
I’m just saying.
Nobody’s Perfect: Turkey VS Apple Juice
Nobody’sPerfect:
THE TURKEY: Right before the Thanksgiving holidays, Pamela Geller, who by all accounts is in most respects a sensible woman, warned the alarm that every American that eats a Butterball Turkey is in…danger. Unbeknownst to us, only the Butterball Turkeys are being “blessed” for their journey to be with 72 turkey virgins in heaven:
Halal slaughter involves cutting the trachea, the esophagus, and the jugular vein, and letting the blood drain out while saying “Bismillah allahu akbar” — in the name of Allah the greatest.
You can imagine the despair! Butterball turkeys have been served in my family since they started MAKING Butterball Turkeys. And the reason why we have preferred Butterball Turkeys to any other Turkey is because, all you have to do is put it in a pan, salt it, cook it, baste it, and VIOLA! Soft, tender, moist…and any fool can do it.
Also, the woman in my family are from a long line of..of…let’s just say we all cooked pretty much like Curly. So the less thinking involved in preparing the meal, the better. We’d spend hours arguing how exactly to boil water.
Okay, I’m confused. You have to kill the turkey to eat right? So, for that part, I think Pamela should either take it up with PETA (who are already on this) or try to turn us all into vegetarians because, you have to kill to eat any meat.
Unless of course, you like to hang out around the highway.
It’s the “blessing” Allahu Akbar that has her upset. And I agree. If you are going to include Muslim prayers then by golly, they should include Christian prayers, Hindu Prayers, Wicken prayers, and throw in some voodoo on top of it. After all, this is all about diversity is it not? Think of that poor turkey being condemned to abide in some Muslim hellhole with other jihadists who do nothing but continue the Bismillah blessing on his esophagus throughout centuries of purgatory! A Christian Turkey heaven would have him walking with peacocks, and in a Hindu heaven he could reincarnate into a politician…maybe even President! We’ve all seen it happen before.
I see her point. But last week didn’t stop with the bad news…no…we had bad —
APPLE JUICE:
ABC News reported that Consumer Reports tested 88 samples of popular brands of grape and apple juice sold in the U.S., including Welch’s, Minute Maid and Mott’s. The results revealed that 10 percent of the juices “had total arsenic levels greater than the FDA’s standard for drinking water of 10 parts per billion (ppb), while 25 percent of juices also had lead levels higher than the FDA’s bottled water limit of 5 ppb.” To our detriment, the FDA has limits for arsenic in water (including bottled), but no such regulations on fruit juices. Oz reported that apple concentrate comes from up to seven countries – 60 percent of it imported from China alone. –Chuck Norris
It’s really an imperfect world. It’s bad enough that they put fluoride in our water, and NOW we find out, since that doesn’t seem to be doing enough damage, they are putting arsenic in our apple juice, without the pretty lace.
Yes, our children are being poisoned by China, with the help of our FDA..who..say…they MIGHT look into it. I’d say that arsenic in our food, and mercury in our light bulbs..means SOME PEOPLE are trying to get kill US..forget the turkeys. They will eventually outlive us. We’ll all be dead.
They want to get rid of us..slowly. I mean…really…is this what they mean when they say we will all have to sacrifice?
Nobody is boycotting apple juice because I drank gallons of it last year, due to the fact that I had gall bladder surgery. Oh yes. When you have a rotten gall bladder they tell you to drink tons and tons and tons of apple juice….so I did.
And now, I find out why it works! It’s pretty much melts your insides. Maybe I should have made a cocktail of apple juice, coke and a menthol, and saved myself from an expensive surgery.
I did NOT buy a Butterball Turkey this year, but not because somebody stupid is making employees bless them with nonsense, but because—THEY ARE TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE!
So, who won the Nobody’s Perfect award for this week?
My favorite stooge…Curly, because that man cannot cook…I thought I was bad. I at least know enough to open the can before inserting it.
A Concert for Cows
It’s Saturday night and Nobody Gets Email!
You know, I really didn’t get any political emails this week–For some reason, people are sending me video’s of animals.
What does this mean?
It means everyone is tired of Newt, Herman, Mitt, Bill, Hillary, Iran, and Obama threatening us ONCE again…that if Congress doesn’t pass his bill, then he is going to take $1,000 dollars out of everybody checks. Last time, he was going to STOP the Social Security Checks.
So….what’s he going to do if Israel doesn’t “come to the table” and talk to the Muslims? Threatened to deport Bernanke?
I bet the soldiers are real excited that when they come home they are all going to be offered jobs as farmers, and can somebody tell me WHY Obama has to put his whole face on the screen when he gives his weekly address?
Really, if you have a 60 inch screen like I do, you feel like you are in a room with John Hurt in 1984, and feel the need to jump up and exercise.
But animals have come to sooth our souls.
Here we see that cows actually do love music, and I’m posting this because I happen to think Dixieland music is not only hard to master, but a lost art. If you have never been to New Orleans and strutted down the street to such happy sounds, (while drinking a Hurricane) you might want to get this band’s CD and dance in your living room. Do it while your kids are playing x-box just to annoy them.
Animal video’s. Well, I’m happy.
(Thanks to J.R.)
Nobody Has A Reason to Celebrate!
Nobody Gets Email
After yesterday’s post about murder, depression, and psycopaths…I thought I needed to lighten things up a bit, and look for some good news, and Nobody got it!
President Obama is leaving the country and going to Hawaii to play golf, and eat, and party, and he won’t be back until January the 2nd! Now’s our chance to get something done.
Soooooo……LET”S PARTY!
By the way, that‘s me, celebrating last night. I’m a pretty good dancer, don’t you think? Jose needs to step it up a bit, but, he’s a pretty nice guy.
Okay, so everybody on the internet has seen this video, Nobody CARES…Tell me, why isn’t this dancing duo on DANCING WITH THE STARS?
Really, I’d like to see some of them get beaten by a dog.
(Thanks to Pattie)
Nobody Needs Photoshop Welfare
Nobody Cares
America bailed out Europe today, with the spin “Hey…We have to bail them out or we will go down!” The stock market soared, and like the Nobody that I am, it really meant nothing to me, so I went out and raked leaves.
I have a LOT of leaves. I’m considering asking my trees to switch their diet. I’d set my lawn on fire, and get rid of them all at once, but I think that’s illegal.
Nevertheless, Nobody searches hard now for the good-news nuggests, and I found this great video of Donald Trump, dishing Obama for coming to New York on the same night that the Rockefeller Center turns on its Christmas tree lights. If you have never experienced a “President” coming into your city, you should move to Russia. Wait…no..you don’t have to move. Here in the United States they have to shut down whole city blocks, subways, and highways..for hours…just so Genghis Obama can make his lordy way to his fund-raisers. They hardly EVER mentioned this fact on TV, which is again, why I wish Donald would run for President, because he mentioned it.
He mentions a lot of stuff that this Nobody likes.
Tonight, the Rockefeller Christamas Special on NBC was a perfect example of how you didn’t see any of whatever trouble in traffic that Obama caused. All 900 teenage girls were in front, to see the Beaver (sorry he looks like a small beaver to me, he needs a Wally) and the Kicking Rockets (okay, so that’s not their real name) looked perfect and…Coral King can’t sing anymore, but Neil Diamond still can, and Tony Bennett is the only singer in the world that can smile and hold a loooooog note…and not break his smile. And I simply don’t know how he does it.
It’s like it’s cemented on his face like that butt-lady who has cement in her cheeks. Maybe he dabs a little super-glue in his cheeks. Something.
Anyway, this leads me to point. Nobody wants to assure all the women out there, who are tired of looking at beautiful women in perfume adds, videos, clothes commercials, angels of fluff in scanty Santa outfits, that, while you are searching you memory for one girl that you ever saw that never had one pimple on her face…
THESE GIRLS ARE NOT REAL! Why do I say that? They have help. They have been airbrished, polished, computerized…need I say more? And what about us nobodies?
I say we need Photoshop Welfare. Forget food stamps.
Now, in case you doubt me, here’s a video that I wish I had never seen…because now when I watch TV I’m thinking..”He’s NOT in that plane, they are NOT in that car, that is NOT New York City…that is the young Mariah Carey in that old rehashed Christmas video with Justin Beiver, Obama is just an actor from Kenya, not really our President, and that girl doesn’t even have pores! ”
It sort of spoils some of the “I’m escaping from the fallen dollar, and lack of photoshop mode”... you know what I mean?
I’d say ENJOY this next video, but if you think that ignorance is bliss…..don’t watch it.
Protection For the White British Woman Who Wants Her Country Back
Nobody Reports
Not since Lenny Bruce was arrested for obscenity have we seen such a fine example of that really wonderfully expressive word…FUCK. You know, the Germans started it, and the Brits refined it, and it probably came from the first guy ever to get mad at the other guy who came into his cave and started eating his food.
Nobody Thinks that the word fuck probably started out as “unk! then muck! than..juck!” It was a gutteral fun thing, and after all, speech is for communication, so therefore, if you grade a word by it’s proper place of great use, than fuck is a mighty fine word indeed, and this lady has had about enough of the world, and being not from the proper upper class of eitles, she got arrested for it.
While many people are outraged at the fact that this lady is claiming that all these people on the bus do not look like her, (and they don’t) therefore are not British, therefore she wants them all to go home, let Nobody remind the readers that JUST because you are born in a country, that doesn’t mean you LIKE that country, or feel attracted to the natives. Whoever thought up the “let’s make them mix and mate, and see what happens!” theory of utopia should have been arrested long before this poor woman.
What this lady should have said is : How would you like it if a bunch of people invaded YOUR neighborhood and took it over? May I suggest that the people in history who didn’t resist invasion, were pretty much left on the dustbin floor…or as in the Indians of the old West, the dustbin of the local reservation.
She was arrested for being a “racists” although, she spoke facts: she said —blacks. Poles. Uh…what’s wrong with that? There are many “white” people in the world that admire her rant, even though it seemed very crude…and not exactly the Queen’s English. She SHOULD have the right to free speech. But, not in England. She was arrested.
Oh my.
So, Nobody suggests all the white people done these really cool helmets and go forth into our native countries, stand up… and…be silent—lest we be arrested. Actions speak louder than words. And who’s going to mess with us with our fine new helmets on? This one is only $2,995 dollars, but that’s with real crystal. You can make one at home, with cheap glass for $60.00. In fact, if I were a rich man, I would send her one, for having the guts to stick up for her tribe, lot of good it did her. 
(Nobody makes this stuff up.)
Obama Pardons White Turkeys
Today, President Obama actually did something serious..he pardoned a white turkey. The news reported that he said this at the event–
“Some of you may know that recently I’ve been taking a series of executive actions that don’t require congressional approval,” Mr. Obama said. “Well, here’s another one. We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys — literally. Otherwise, they’d end up next to the mashed potatoes and stuffing.”
Obama: I, Lord Barak Hussein Obama the Second, Commander- in -Chief of the world’s mightiest army protector of the poor minorities all over the world, who are right at this moment, waiting for me to come and save them from their oppressors, do grant you….white turkey, by my executiv order, a pardon on your white turkey life, which I could have taken because I am the ruler of the Universe, the Congress, Burma, and sometimes my wife.
Therefore, In exchange for the granting of this most benevolent act of kindness on my part as your ruler, I order you to give up 80% of your future holdings, all your homes, and your turkey business, to be turned over to me, your sovereign lord, in order for me to redistribute, as I see fit, to all those other turkeys, I mean, people in he world, who are not thankful for anything right now.
May Allah be with you, and Christ behold you, and may all God’s White turkeys rejoice at this executive mandate, on this Thanksgiving of me letting you live another white turkey day. Now, get back to work.
Turkey I not getting near that fool.
Malia Whoa, dad’s taking this job a little too seriously.
Sasha I wonder if he knows that Mom intends to kill it for dinner?
White Guy I’m taking this sucker home!
Nobody’s Idea of a Proper Dress
Gaga's Cousin
Are these feathers real guys?Headed for Wall Street...
Nobody’s Fool
There’s a new fade going around at all the malls…feathers. They have feathers to put in your hair, on your ears, up you nose…and some poor birds somewhere are sacrificing their beloved feathers to make millions all over the world look cool. As far as I know, feathers cannot be “manufactured” at least, the ones I see are real. I’m not sure how I feel about this feather stuff…because I’m a BIG bird lover..but, while surfing the “net’ (Oh my god, is that an old saying or WHAT.) I found this picture of a wedding dress..(see below) .made out of human hair. The designer in London wants Gaga to wear it.
And I thought…gee..how many brides would LOVE to have that for their wedding dress? (It’s only $78,000)
Then I got to thinking…how many natural objects have been used for making dresses? I found a few..(we’ll leave the Rose bowl out of this one)
Gaga's Other cousins
You'll never have to buy a vitamin C pill ever again...
You need a BIG brush...
Nobody’s Perfect: McNuggets VS Beer
Nobody’s Perfect:
People are going nuts, have you noticed? No longer do the homeless just ask for money, if you don’t give them enough, they might kill you. Nobody has a feeling, when the economy gets worse (and it will) we are going to be seeing more of this stuff…like….this young girl who couldn’t get her McNuggets because it was too late in the morning and they were serving breakfast. As you can see…she is pretty mad about it.
Actually, there were many times I felt like destroying the window after I ordered a burger with no cheese, and I get a burger WITH cheese.
But..what good would it do?
On the other hand—
In Titusville, Florida, a truck driver named Lance ran over his partner, who was stealing beer:
According to police, the woman was attempting to enter the truck after stealing beer from the convenience store when the driver began to drive away. The woman fell from the vehicle and was run over by the truck, police say.
So why did Lance run over her? Was he in on the robbery? Or was he too drunk to know if he hit anything? Did he figure if he killed her, he could take the beer and not get arrested for robbery?
Could he possibly look more stoned?
Who wins “biggest moron?” in the Nobody’s Perfect Contest of the week?
In my Nobody’s Opinion: Nancy Pelosi, and that’s a whole other blog.
Is Rick Perry Secretly…a Blond?
Nobody Flashes
I think it’s only fair that after Perry flubbed his lines and went into some kind of brain freeze at the debate this week, we should at least show how often this happens, and give him a break.
Here are two of my favorite blond bloopers….I’m not sure which one is funnier.
Besides, I didn’t feel like writing about anything tonight…which is RARE.
Enjoy!
Mysteries of the Rich and Ugly Purses
Nobody Wins
There are riots on the Berkeley campus, riots in New York, riots in Greece, riots in the Middle East, where may I remind you, it is legal to shoot bullets into the air when you’re happy, and riots because some football coach ignored the sexual predator in his mist because he was too busy being rich and famous and posing for his statue.
I would not for one minute join the union-loving, Marxists, communistic, and brainwashed children of the Clinton Corn on Wall Street right now…BUT…having said that, I have to admit..when you see what the rich buy with their money, it does make you wonder how they got that way,(rich in the first place) since they waste money on stuff that any Nobody could reproduce for them for a few pennies:
Here’s three examples: 
1. Andreas Gursky’s “Rhine River” photo was just sold for $4.3 million dollars.
Tell me. Honestly. Would you pay $4.3 million for this picture of some grass? Somebody somewhere has this hanging in his castle, the most boring photograph that was ever taken. A five-year-old would at least have put a swan or a duck in it.
I’m thinking Merkel bought it to make some kind of German statement. She can lend it to Sarkosy and rename it the ‘Seine River’ and he can use it. They plan to hang it in Brussels where they can gaze at it before they go into their European Union fantasy camps.
If I had bought it, I would have put a fishing pole right next to it, for some humor. Maybe the guy who paid money for this “mystery” likes the grass and the river because he had his first joint there. Whatever…But for $4.3 million, I would have expected a lifelong supply of salmon steaks to come with it.
Stupid rich people. They are everywhere. 
2. John Lennon’s tooth was just bought by a dentist in Canada for $31,000. (and none too soon by the looks of it. )
I hope Yoko pulled out all his other teeth, before she put him away. I can’t wait to see what they get. I bet she could get at least $2 million for the whole set. I’ll donate a few cavities if she needs to spruce them up a bit. I loved John too….it’s the least I could do.
3. Yves Saint Laurent’s (butt-ugly ) Cabas Chye Fringe Colorblock Tote: $2,595.
If you see some lady walking around with this abomination to the memory of horse and buggy rides, I want you to slap her for me.
I’m sorry. There are just too many stupid rich people. And too many ugly purses. I plan to expose everyone of them. Nobody is on a mission to report them all…even the ones at Wal-Mart. Please…it’s torture. Do we really need this many ugly purses on the planet?
Okay, I’m done…I’m taking the night off to take a picture of my bathtub with the soap floating in it. I going to send it to Italy where I know they can appreciate fine art, besides, they like to spend money. I’m tired of playing the lotto. I will name it “Nobody’s River of Soap.”
I might let them show it in the Smithsonian, if they promise to put it next to Obama’s Official White House Portrait. I’m hoping they send it back here because I don’t think the Louvre is ready for it.
Joyanna Adams 