Nobody Reads About Naked People

Nobody Reads

I do. All the time. This morning I went from Christopher Columbus to the Enquirer.

What did I learn that I didn’t know already? Columbus was a pretty slick guy. In 1492 he discovered a whole civilization of naked people in the Caribbean, and how much fun was that? BUT…here’s the key. Even though all these woman were running around naked, because of his stout religion, none  of his men were allowed to take advantage of the natives, who were very fearful of Columbus. And he made a point to GIVE them gifts, as a bribe, so that they in turn would go and show him gold, food, fish, etc.

A foreign policy that is still being practiced to this day.

Evidently, the ‘Indians’ (which he called them because he thought he was in India) were very loving and very fearful of Columbus and his clothes. They believed that all power came from the sky (is this a universal thing or what?) and so Columbus, being smart, kidnapped some natives, and taught them to jump off the ships on every new island and say, “Come, Come, look upon a celestial race!” And the people would flock with gifts to give the new gods.

Not very Christian of him, but nothing we haven’t heard from Obama.

Most of the islands were filled with good and loving people, who would give Columbus anything he wanted, but there was one island of very ferocious men, who wore their hair long “like women”, had spears and bows, and armor of brass, and ate human flesh.  Columbus stayed away from them. Just like he stayed away from the island of people who had tails. A wise lesson that John McCain to this day, has not learned.

The canoes could hold 72 people. ( None of whom were virgins, but don’t tell anybody) And even though they could build BIG canoes they couldn’t count miles. Columbus was REALLY good at measuring miles. He’s report 564 east, and 322 west. He LOVED to write about how many miles he went.  No mile got past Columbus without being counted. And knew not to go North in winter, starting the universal habit of southern vacations.

Another thing I thought was interesting is that the ‘princes’ had twenty wives. All the rest had one.

And that’s another fact that is universal, isn’t it? There are very few women left in Arkansas that Bill Clinton has not enjoyed.

Yes, Columbus made sure that the money guy knew that there was GOLD in them there islands, and all he needed was more money to go and get it! Thank the lord. He left men to build a fort, and gave them enough supplies to last them a year.

Gee…imagine our politicians thinking like that.

Wait…there’s OIL in them there sands….

Still, I blame Columbus for Cuba. If Columbus had only stayed in Cuba, we would all be eating better bananas.

September 21, 2013 Posted by Joyanna Adams | History, humor, Uncategorized | History, Humor | Leave a comment